Tuesday, 4 December 2012

This reflection isn't so bad after all. I think.

These last few months have been hectic with all that has been going on and more so in my mind than going out and doing 'stuff' that I should be doing.

It has all been one big reflection and realisation, almost like an eureka moment that I have been waiting and waiting for and the moment I had it was when I went out looking for it and pressured it with my questions. Alright, so that eureka moment was in my head all along.

I have this big goal written out, its set and it is going to get there but only by taking it as it comes each day (even though I am a control freak and will struggle if anything changes, that I will have to change too, well, to keep me sane-r)

I have ignored my blog, mainly having nothing positive to say and without making any visible progress, how could I write anything that wouldn't be me venting. I understand that it is alright and healthy to vent but I don't think that it is healthy and alright for the people around me if I am always venting. I need to vent to myself and ask myself some pretty tough questions and well, I have asked them and I think that I got some answers. They may not be solid answers but its more than what I have had in years.

I know what I want and I think that I know how to work my way into that life I spent all of my living life dreaming of achieving. I think that my blog has a chance to turn around completely with an actual progress. Its going to be a pretty uncomfortable few weeks and my anxiety is going to fight me on everything and I am not prepared for it at all .. I think I will only be prepared for what my anxiety and ocd together can throw at me once I have endured a few weeks of tiring exposure. Oh, and I have a doctors appointment on Friday coming and then another appointment but this time with my psychotherapist next week and I am attempting the appointment without my husband coming along.

Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Goal! No, no I am not playing sports. I am being realistic for once.

There has been days that have gone past without me even having the chance to live them how I would have liked to. Not that I am being a whine arse but I am just left sitting here thinking to myself 'Why am I letting this happen?'

Shouldn't we cherish each day instead of moping around with thoughts of harm and sometimes suicide. I am sure that life wouldn't be at all dull without the added negativity.

I am somewhat down more so these last few days after my regular doctors appointment. I thought that I was ready to go back to work after the new year but the professionals are doubting it. I went through trying to accept it and then I became very upset and then very angry and now, well, now I feel numb. How can I visit my blog as often as I once had whenever I cannot even do something new and exciting that I would feel happy to write about and share.

I have been thinking a lot about where I am in life and where I would have liked to have been by now and how I plan on getting there eventually. I think a possible career change is something that I need, besides, I truly hated my job at the cafe since day one. Stressful, tiring, having to pick up everyone elses slack and listening to customer complaints and colleague's talking behind each others back while smiling at each other and chatting away as if everything is just honky dory. This job is going nowhere and it was only a temporary thing that became a bit more permanent than I would have liked. So on a brighter note as I finish typing out these thoughts, I think that my recovery plan should include a career plan, how else can I start a family someday if I cannot even take care of myself, let alone be the kind of mother that I would love to be. Yes, I think this is called 'baby fever' and I have got it terribly these days. I never thought that I would but I do, but it doesn't mean that I am just going to rush about to get pregnant, no no, I need to take care of me first before I can take care of a little one.

Goals to achieve the things I want in the future,

-Get my driving licence

-Go back to work - full time - in a job that I want and love and will at least have the opportunity to further my career.

-Go to night school and finish what I started 7 years ago.

-Go out at least once a week into the busy city centre on my own, terrifying now but maybe I can enjoy it through time.

-Go back to routine exercise, shed the added weight and tone up, I need a healthy body as well as a healthy mind to start a family.

I think now my blog and life has slowly turned a corner and now I can keep up with my goals, or well, at least try my hardest to keep up with these goals. I want at least 5 years from now to achieve what I want before starting a family, it is just now in my life that I am desperate to be a mum.

Friday, 19 October 2012

Hectic Hectic Hectic

From the title it would be alright to assume that things have been rather hectic lately!

I have not been online all that much over the last month and even less during the last few weeks. Sadly we have had a death in the family and it has been extremely difficult to come to terms with and coping is just not what I am capable of.

She was my husbands grandmother but she was very much a grandmother to me, infact, she was more of a grandmother to me than my own blood related grandmother and I just cannot describe just how much I adored this woman. I don't always get around to showing my feelings, my soft side especially. I hide away every emotion that makes me feel vulnerable and I can only regret not being able to just show my love and admiration towards her.

I have been out from morning until late night, mostly at my inlaws and somehow I have stayed somewhat calm but that could just be from keeping myself busy in the kitchen cooking and cleaning and not settling down for long to sit and think about anything. I know how badly I need to keep getting out of the house but I just hate that it took this crisis to get me out of the house.

I learnt today that life is too short, no matter how old you live up until .. it is never enough time.

Tuesday, 28 August 2012

14 Days in a Row! Yep! I did it :)

Alright, I remember you, Blog, and you better remember me. Please don't have abandonment issues after  my up and leaving without a sign or a word of return.


I am somewhat in a non foul mood these days. Nick had been off for his two weeks holidays and I had 14 days in a row oot and aboot and on the 15th day the sinus infection had slowed me right down to a halt -who goes there-

14 days in a row was a wonderful thing and today is not so wonderful with it being back to on my own with the voices but on a somewhat bright side I am just dying to get outside today. I have felt this urge to just go out for a walk since this morning when my lungs were being coughed up but instead I had a rest and then got up and washed myself and the house and here I am still feeling this need to get out and it is bloody WONDERFUL!

I don't know how long it will last for but I will for sure take advantage of it, especially with Autumn arriving and making coffee taste better than ever and knitted sweaters cosier than ever. I think that I will throw my hair up into something that wont get blown about everywhere and grab the camera and get out of here and meet the hubby from the station, he would be rather surprised to see me standing at the platform :)

You know that feeling, when the depression lifts? That is what it feels like and I know it comes and goes and for that I just cannot not take advantage of it. I expect that soon the black dog will be back, I wish that it was possible to lock the beast out and let it find another to torture!

Monday, 9 July 2012

I'm Here, I'm Mad, Get used to it - I have.

You may think that the lack of posts on my part would be a great thing, a terrific thing, 'ah, her OCD has not been giving her anything to write about!'

Well, I am afraid that isn't so and the OCD still follows me everywhere I go and it taunts the heck out of me at every opportunity, which is every minute of each and every day and no it does not take any days off, not even the holidays.

I think more or less the way I can sum up how I feel since my last post - totally bummed out man-
God, the grief is endless, oh the sorrows, the pain, the agony that is in my head! Get out! Get out! Get the hell out of here! and when I begin to shout at my mind I wonder if it is really the neighbours hitting the wall as in to tell me to keep it down or would it be my OCD hitting the wall just for kicks?

Meh, either way - Happy Monday!

I think this is where my posts ends for today. I wanted to let you all know that I am still here and I still have all 10 of my fingers - They have not fallen off or gone awol. I am still here and still mad as a hatter - which in all fairness keeps each and every day new, fresh and exciting. If I could sell OCD I could market the hell out of it!

Ah, humour, you have not left me after all.

Monday, 11 June 2012

Hello Psychologist - How am I today? You tell me ..

So I seem to be back in my old ways once again, well sort of, and by back I mean I never left.

I had an appointment with a new psychologist just last Friday. Not sure exactly how well it went or if it went well at all. Not too crazy on the idea of seeing another psychologist, at this point I am far too wary of this people and even more so when she suggested that I should have my dose of fluoextine increased. Bah humbug! I don't even want to be on this medication in the first place and that is just what I said but as always they try to push around the subject and in the end they all seem to think drugs is the answer to all, well if that is the case then just give me the fun drugs instead of this boring pill form.

Ah, who am I kidding, even then I would refuse to put anything else into my body other than the many daily cups of tea and a couple of meals each day.

I can live with the crazy symptoms of OCD and I will just need to and I understand that and that there is no actual way around it and even with the help of CBT all I will do in the long run is piss off Mr OCD into giving me panic attacks each and every time I jab it with a stick and tell it No!

What I want more than anything is to just leave the house and be okay with it. I don't care anymore about the hand washing and the checking and the rest of the mundane bull. I just want outside! So then I wonder why is it they all insist on the medication and the CBT. Just strap me onto the back of a bus and drive it away.

I don't know if I am just past caring and if I seemed just that way during the appointment. More than once I left Ms Therapist speechless and the man sitting in on the appointment dumbfounded, or at least looking that way when I glanced over after answering her majs questions. Okay, now I am just getting a little too sarcastic for my own good but how can I help it when they all ask me what I want out of this and all that I can do is shrug my shoulders and tell them that I didn't come here out of my own choice or even ask to and that it was my gp that contacted them out of legal obligation.

Maybe I am just unlucky when it comes to meeting psychologists or maybe they are just unlucky when it comes to them meeting me.

Monday, 14 May 2012

A Year - A Whole Year Indeed!

Well, here I am a year later! I mean, having this blog for a whole year .. not that I have been away for a year, that would just be silly and odd considering all of my posts in the last year.

I started this blog last May and I have to say that I am glad that I did.

I wanted to go through my years worth of posts to see how I have managed during the year where I started to openly talk and write about my issues with my own mental health and I have to say, it you are reading this and wondering if you should maybe do the same, DO IT!

The bad days I am learning from and the good days that are in print are a relief to read during the days where you forget that you have even had such luck to have had even just one day of goodness!

At the moment I am terrible with my blog, I feel like I am being stretched like a stretch armstrong doll! Oh how I love those but I hate feeling like I should be everywhere at once and not even being in any of those places that I should and want to be and yes yes I know I know its silly, I try to tell myself to just calm down and one step, one stretch and one day at a time but somehow in my ill ridden mind it is a 'go go go' with no no no energy!

Most days everything but the housework is neglected and other days the housework is done and fresh bread is gracing the oven and I have even wrote a thousand or two thousand words towards this hopefully could be a great story, not that the word count matters so as long the story is a good one but I am pretty happy with myself for the effort that I am putting into this not to mention being able to put my worst thoughts on paper or computer screen and let a made up character do it all for me instead ... but sometimes I just cannot write certain things or I have to delete rows and rows of things out of fear of well, you know .. oh I just can't even finish saying that thought.


Another thousandish words on word and an update on my blog, I think it is time to get ready for bed, its almost 11pm, eek! That is getting late for me and I have to keep a routine even though I badly want to stay up until 4am to write away .. but I know that wouldn't be fair on my husband, having the entire bed to himself .. having to stretch out and not have any blankets stolen during the night!

To all of my readers, thank you for being so lovely and supportive xx

Thursday, 26 April 2012

It Is All Coming Along Nicely -Except for the main character, she is going through a hellish experience!

Alright. Slowly I am making progress with this book.
It is a long process and it is slightly painful when I indulge in writing about my own experiences and left watching this made up character going through what I go through and now I feel like a sadist, putting her through so much more than I and then exaggerated a hell of a lot. Some things that I have been writing has made me feel a tad sick to my stomach, I am not sure how well it will go down with readers.

But, thankfully I have people who are more than happy to read what I am writing and willing to be honest about what they think of it. I have to admit that my paranoia about people stealing my ideas has left me feeling well, paranoid about letting people read my work .. but there are a couple people that I am more than happy to let in on what is in these pages and I trust them completely, such a relief!

As for the word count, I don't know yet what my goal will be if any. Why drag out what could already be a good story just to fill some extra pages? Some of the best books that I have read aren't the 60,000 words and then some, count. You could have 50,000 meaningless words or 20,000 really good words .. I suppose the story will tell itself, no deadline, no rush .. it will be done when its done .. but here's hoping that working each and every day on it, it will soon be finished .. and then I will have a wee break with a cup of tea and start on the next book that I have in mind .. well, there are 2 other books that I already have in mind and they are already screaming out to me, 'WRITE ME, WRITE ME!'

Monday, 16 April 2012

Who Needs Drugs - Not me, but I should try to take my prescribed stuff more often

I could be bitter. I have what seems to be a sinus infection that has teamed up with my OCD and they are trying to make my life hell. *Trying* Everyone gets sick, everyone, so I keep telling myself! It just happens that the day last week that I willingly left the flat to go to the library and meet Nick off of the train and got a few messages just happened to be when my throat felt roughly dry and I started to sniffle. No sooner than my return home it was in full force and I should have stockpiled tissues.

Now, I can handle a migraine, what I can't handle is the common cold! I have resorted to taking cold and flu tablets but because of that I just cannot feel comfortable with taking my Fluoxetine, as if taking a couple flu tablets and my prescription tablets will make a deadly cocktail. As if, but my OCD is telling me otherwise and I just cannot risk it.

So, 3 days or so without my Fluoxetine hasn't been entirely bad. I have been so caught up with being tired and struggling for breath that my very own symptoms of madness barely get through to me, that or I am just too tired to give it any attention but just wait until I am on the mend, I will be forced to give it my full attention and I am sure that it will threaten me like it has never threatened me before.

Although .. and this is where I need to be somewhat serious. I don't think it is because I have been off of my Fluoxetine for 3 days that I am experiencing hallucinations. I have been experiencing these hallucinations for many many years. Since my early teen years to be quite honest! It is nothing new but new for me to speak to the professionals so bluntly about it. I know maybe 90% of the time what is real and what isn't and when I am so certain is real to be told its not only leaves me in a state of confusion and then I just get on with things. This morning I knew that the giant crow standing in the bedroom wearing a pirate costume and laughing while the walls closed in around me were just a hallucination. I shut my eyes, I looked away I looked back and it was still there for a little while. After looking away a few more times it must have got the hint and flew back to its ship. Afterwards I joked with Nick, who needs drugs, all you need is an illness of the mind and you are set up for life with laughs and the most random things that you will ever see in your life, and all for free and no ill effects ..other than losing your mind - of course!

Oh, and an update on my writing a book, I am still slowly getting there but with every pause to blow my nose and wash my hands has taken up more time than I would have liked. I have barely wrote a thing all weekend but I have been keeping track of all my ideas. I more of less have the middle written out in my head but I need the beginning and and ending still .. and I need to put it where others can read it .. since people aren't really mind readers ...

Thursday, 12 April 2012

The Mood Changes - Oh how it changes!

Alright, I think that my lack of energy along with losing love for everything is slowly passing. I can't help but tuck myself away from the world whenever my mood changes to the ultimate lows, if anything I feel safer and more comfortable away from the world during those times but I also feel that I keep the ones I care about safer if I keep them at a distance from my depressed state!

I wish that I could say that I have done lots and lots after my night out in the town to see that comedy gig but in all fairness it was rather tiring afterwards and it really did have that knock on effect and did I ever sleep and was I ever tired afterwards still. I felt like I could take on anything after such an achievement, adrenalin is such a liar.

I have been spending most of my time reading and longing to write something of my own and I think that I have my idea for a book. Each and every part of writing something is scary, the beginning, middle, and ending not to mention the plot and how I lose my own plot most of the time so how in the world can I keep a made up plot??! Well, I just keep all of my scrap paper around and a pen at all times and when I think of something I write it down, if I don't write it down I will forget it instantly. If anything, the idea of writing a book has cheered me up in the past and at the moment it is cheering me up just by putting it into, or on paper for that matter!

I will need to get back to writing a different kind of writing, a different way of thinking and a whole different kind of escape!

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

What a Funk! When does it end??! It must end, it must!

Lately I find it hard to do anything, even the things that I so desperately want to do and now I am trying to put my foot down. I love my blog, I love to write and why should I stop just because I am feeling sorry for myself!

Not that I was intending to stop but if anything my lack of energy and motivation kept my computer from being switched on.

I had a wonderful weekend and even the Monday wasn't so bad. It had been very tiring but I want to share.

My husband and I went out on Saturday night. I had bought the tickets months ago with much much anticipation  to see Jon Richardson. I absolutely adore the man and the anticipation throughout Saturday gave me a tummy ache! Not only did we get to see him live but we somehow managed front row centre seats. Yes, I know with being front row there is a chance of being put into the situation of being spoken to during the show and that didn't happen. Not really.

This is how it went - The woman beside me got up to use the loo .. and I was already bursting, with having too many drinks before the show .. the trip to the pub before the venue clearly did me no favours. It was pointed out that she had left for the toilet and the fear had begun that if I were to leave he would too make the face and I would be singled out but in a funny kind of way. Well. I could not wait, I was bursting. Before she even came back I was off and out of the corner of my eye I saw the look on his face and I laughed out loud and shouted to him 'Just 2 minutes' and holding up 2 fingers (in a polite way of course!) 'Just wait, I will be just 2 minutes!' My face was red through complete embarrassment and somehow I put on a smile and laughed and joked and somehow made it to the loo and back in those 2 minutes, or so I hoped!

After the show was finished I was gutted, it was so great that I hardly wanted it to end! I asked my husband if we could wait outside in hopes of catching him on his way out. So badly did I want to meet him and to tell him not to give up on love and to hopefully if he didn't mind, to sign a copy of his book that I took with my just in case.

The place was cleared out and no one was out there afterwards to my surprise! A Saturday night standing around in Glasgow isn't my idea of safe or fun but somehow I had some determination to say and mean it, 10 minutes. Well, he did come out and I spoke to him and he was lovely and so so nice and although it was a quick chat he had signed my book and my husband snapped a photo of us. An experience that had really had an impact on my low and horrible moods! He is such an inspiration, one who I do actually look up to and to meet such an inspiration had given me even an ounce of hope and determination!

As for the Sunday, well. It was a day of rest and with a hangover it was a much needed rest but as I was feeling so great my husband and I went out for a walk early morning along the canal and then during the evening we took a drive and walked along the reservoir that was just a short drive away.

I slept well that night!

As for Monday - oh this is becoming a long updated post!

I had an appointment, with being off of work for so long because of the OCD it was a mandatory thing. I was horrified but my husband took the morning off of work so he could take me there and be there for me. If he was not there I don't think that I could have managed it. The questions felt like an interrogation and I struggled to answer some and when it came down to the self harm I was honest about it, but when asked what I had done I became so upset I had to refuse to answer and the man, he was very nice about it.

After the appointment was over and done with Nick took me out for breakfast and I was to try to stay in city centre for the few hours until he was done work. I did try but as we said our goodbyes outside of his workplace we spotted two men running off with an armful of goods from one of the shops. As quickly as we looked away to not witness anything it still left me feeling rather spooked!

I walked down to  George Square in hopes of sitting to read but it was full of people, go figure! It is a rare heatwave and of course it would be so full!

I wanted to go to the cathedral but I could not remember just where it was and my camera batter turned red.

I had enough. I text Nick to say that I was going home. I didn't even stop at the library on my walk home from the train station. Once I walked through the front door I felt much much better. No regrets. I tried and I managed 20 minutes in town on my own. Maybe just smaller steps next time.

It has been rather hectic and as for today. I just cleaned and cleaned and cleaned some more and read. This heatwave has made it too warm to drink endless cups of tea but it is well worth being able to sit out on the patio and enjoy the rarity of the sun in this country!

On one last note .. It is the kindness of everyone here and the comments that have perked me out of my mood today. Just earlier I had a new comment from someone on here and it had sent me into tears and a realisation that one reason for this blog is to be open to others in hopes of increasing awareness and to offer support for other fellow OCD-ers. The more open that we are the better the help that we can receive.

Thursday, 8 March 2012

The Long Awaited Appointment With Honesty.

It is surprising how much a rant and cry can help and not to mention all of the support that I have had from everyone around me. It felt good to let out the frustration and even after the sick to my stomach feeling for it slowly faded away I actually feel exhilarated and on the path to some sort of idyllic freedom. I don't even think that I am over exaggerating this and after my morning migraine I am feeling quite productive even if I have only managed to wash the kitchen sink and put on a load of laundry to wash. I plan to do more and I wont get ahead of myself here, baby steps all of the way. If I tire myself out then I will surely fall into the trap once again; lots of energy to no energy at all followed by even worse feelings of self loathing and god knows what else.

I spoke to my GP and it went well. I was open and honest about so much and it was utterly terrifying and I had the feeling as if I had just jumped out of a plane, climbed a mountain and swam across the River Thames. Meaning, it felt good but extremely tiring and it would explain why I fell asleep on the couch slumped over with a book in my hand and the cat on my lap for several hours once I arrived home safe and had a cup of coffee which had done me no good at all in staying awake!

Whenever I spoke to my GP I told her exactly how I felt, how I felt she betrayed me during my last visit when I first spoke about the hallucinations and the threatening voices and how she replied that she had to speak to someone about this to refer me to the right help. It was her duty to. She looked gutted when I told her how I lost the trust in her and how sick I felt once I realised that I just opened up about what was really going on over 3 weeks ago and how I didn't even book my weekly appointment last week because I could not trust her. I quickly told her that I understand now why she has to do what she had to do and I am not angry with her anymore and if anything I understand one moment why but sometimes it quickly changes back to betrayal and I don't like it because I really do feel that she is a professional that I can trust.

My GP was more than comforting and even though I was in her office for nearly a half an hour I at no point felt rushed and I didn't have to leave until I felt like I was ready to exit her office.

She told me that she didn't feel that my hallucinations were something new and she was waiting for me to open up and now that I have we can look into the right therapy and the right therapy will be the right help but I must try my best to be honest about everything even if I get scared. Even though while I just about poured my worst thoughts and actions out to her she couldn't help her facial expressions. The woman looked shocked and I don't blame her but I must admit, her shocked expression made me realise that these thoughts and actions are not right nor are they normal. I suppose that the road to recovery really is a long one .. I just hope that while I walk, jog, run, and hobble down this road there will always be people standing along side it with cups of water handed out in my direction!

Tuesday, 6 March 2012


I have been neglectful lately of just about everything. Everything that I enjoy and things that I don't quite enjoy but need to be taken care of and then there are the things that I did enjoy but somehow seem tainted in the way that I avoid them completely without even realising.

I have more than neglected my blog, the people in my life and lately at times .. the housework. Who says OCD is all about cleaning anyways??! Yes, I didn't do the dishes last night after dinner and no, I did not do them before bed. No, I didn't even think about them while I lay in bed for hours trying to drift off to sleep. Instead I thought about the strings on my violin, a tune in my head and moving my fingers along while imagining the first song that I learnt how to play. Yes, I did wash those dishes first thing this morning along with the other mundane tasks of the day and I just feel nothing. Nothing at all. I don't even feel like me.

Wanting a better life, wanting my own thoughts and finding myself easily frustrated when trying to figure out how to get myself back into the education system where as I cannot even get out of the house for things I really should be doing. Reader - if you can feel my frustration it is only because I really truly am frustrated beyond belief! Ready to howl at the sun, do a rain dance in hopes of snow and including chocolate into a must have diet plan for gaining weight instead of a diet to lose the much hated flab that has accumulated around my waist line ever since that frightful day over 9 months ago that I went into meltdown mode. GAH! I could just scream at the world and punch Gandhi in the face. Why, Why?? I have no idea!

I am mad, mad I tell ya! Hear me roar, scream and kick up a fuss! I am an emotionally damaged mess and it has worn me out. Tomorrow is the next appointment with my GP and the last few days I have felt that I really need to open up and be straight forward and honest about what is really going through my mind and that I need help now and I want help now. It is all getting too much and the thoughts really do overcome who I am and what ever way that I thought that I was dealing with it clearly isn't working. If anything it has only made things worse.

Here is me admitting things that I should have told someone in my teenage years.

-I am addicted to starving myself. I binge and then I starve myself more. I used to be at a weight where I could count my ribcage. I used to weigh myself many many many times a day. Stand in front of the mirror to stare at my protruding bones. Wake up each morning to touch each and every rib with a satisfaction of what I was doing and just for fun I would tuck my fingers under my ribcage because I could.

I still have these thoughts, I have come a very long way since those days and it has only been because of my spouse. Those thoughts won't ever go away and I am aware that just like the OCD thoughts they won't go away and I need help to manage them.

I hallucinate - often. Whether it is visual or auditory it happens and daily. I had terrible hallucinations during my teen years and at one point they scared the living daylights out of me. I didn't know what they were at the time and looking back at it some 10 years later, well .. it never has gone away.

I am scared of the dark and often I need a night light. I always feel like I am being watched and sometimes I catch a glimpse of who is watching me. Sometimes they talk to me, shout my name or simply just put me down and tell me to just end it all now before I make Nicks life all the more worse.

I think about self harm - a lot. I have since my teenage years and I still do to this day. Whether it is scratching my arms up to the point where I cannot feel a thing to having to exit the shower before I can grab my razor. It has gotten to the point where I need someone to sit with me while I am in the shower in order to feel safe - as if the thoughts wont bother me because I have someone there to protect me. Often, I avoid the ironing and especially so if I am alone.

... I am tired already and it is really just the start of it. I don't want to say any more about it and already I am wondering if I should click to publish this. I cannot even begin to explain how exhilarating it felt for a moment to get it out in the open to feeling sick to my stomach for bringing it out in the open.

Tuesday, 14 February 2012

Forget Baby Steps, I have done a bunny hop!

Today is Valentines Day, so the calendar, yahoo and all supermarkets say!

Of course I wished my husband a Happy Valentines day after I woke up and realised, oh that is today!
But no, I didn't get him a card or a stuffed teddy bear holding a heart and neither did he get me any of those things. We wont be going out for dinner and no he didn't buy me any jewellery, and if he did I would certainly be disappointed in him for spending money on something I don't tend to wear, and for what I do own it does me just fine when I need to put on a dress and high heeled shoes. I am just a plain Jane and I don't like a fuss being made.

This morning, the usual 6:30 rise and shine and the news being put on for the weather and travel updates the first thing mentioned the moment the sound was up enough for me to hear it, but not that the neighbours would be woken up by the question that was being asked 'What is the secret to a long and happy relationship' ugh, honestly? is what I said. What ever happened to common sense? Treating your spouse how you would like to be treated, yes yes, men are from Mars and women aren't but deep down don't we all want to be treated equally and be loved and shouldn't that be enough? I don't need gifts to know that I am loved and I would no doubt feel suspicious if a gift or flowers were bought for me, especially randomly like when I am not the one picking out a bouquet of something bright and cheery while picking out the weeks worth of ingredients for the meals. No doubt the OCD takes pleasure in making me feel paranoid and suspicious, then again when do I not feel paranoid and suspicious, even of strangers across the street. I think that I would almost rather be the OCD and not the person with OCD because it sounds like the illness itself is having a great time!

I am more thankful and happy for the times where my husband washed the dishes and he is thankful and happy that I have learnt to stop nit picking about the water and soap suds ending up everywhere on the counter tops, the floor and somehow the fridge. That is enough for me and if this Valentines Day he feels like doing the dishes and helping me to prepare dinner that is fab and if he feeds the cat too as I hate touching cat food, well that would be super!

On another note and this is one that I must share, photos and all!

I was searching on line for a bookstore in the West end of Glasgow and I just couldn't put a name to the place let alone the opening hours. I still am yet to find it but instead I found this amazing, breath taking shop with the description that sounds like something out of a dream that I would never want to be woken up from, well, except if the husband was to make a pot of tea. (Tea obsessed, yes.)

This place, this wonderful wonderful place has book cases from the floor to ceiling, filled with books, vintage books, slightly new books and some real treasures to be found. Not only are there the filled to the brim cases but books stacked from the floor to my own height and with only enough room to walk the circuit around the shop! It was heaven and I asked my husband upon finding this shop on line if he would drive me down and check it out and within an hour we set off! It makes me realise just how far that I have come and I am addicted and I must must must return to this place but I am afraid that it will be one of these magical places where it was there once but to never be seen again and that would be heartbreaking! and I am not being over dramatic.
HERE is the link with further information about this truly amazing shop and if you are in the area it is worth checking out! For those who aren't in the area, get your butts over to Scotland immediately or else you will not just risk missing out but because you surely will!

I am already counting the days until Saturday where I plan on going again. This time my husband will hopefully park the car closer to the shop, not that I grudge the 15 minutes it took us to walk there from what we thought was an alright place to park .. not that it wasn't but it turns out there were closer spaces that would have saved us at least 14 minutes and that could have been another 14 minutes spent on looking at all of these books. I will need to take more cash and more reusable carrier bags, being that the books are so so cheap, my 1898 copy of J.M Barrie's A Window In Thrums only set me back £1 where as a copy of PG Wodehouse 2010 hardback The Code of The Woosters was just £2.50 and my last purchase and how that happened that I only took away 3 books is beyond my comprehension! The second volume of the works of Francis Thompson Poems published in if I am correct, 1913 and again, £1 ..

I struggle with touching things, especially along the lines of such used books and yet my enjoyment overcame the worst of the thoughts. Yes, I did wash my hands a lot after touching the books and even when I touch them now that they are in my home I still find myself scrubbing away but that is not just a baby step, that is a bunny hop!


Thursday, 9 February 2012

Hello - It has been a while, I hope that you are all well!

Avoidance is such a silly thing when you think about it. Generally it is for some pretty silly reasons why I avoid things but at the time of avoiding you could not tell me just how silly it is without causing me to go into a fit of tears and panic.

I have avoided many things over the last few weeks and one of these things has been my blog. I just had nothing that I could write about that I felt worth anyone reading. It wasn't even a self pity thing and yet I am wondering just how much it is worth being read already. Instead of stopping where I am and deleting another start to another post I am going to keep on writing Got it OCD, I will not stop because this post is also for me!

I have done my usual over the last few weeks. Doctors appointments and another two trips to the library. Another 2 books read and nearly halfway through another. I started to make plans to go a further distance, this time to the Kelvingrove Art Gallery & Museum, one of my favourite places to spend a day and funny enough I have not been there in well over a year. Well, the thought excited me, I found which bus to take and what time to expect the bus to arrive and well, then it happened. The panic set in and I gave myself a migraine over the thought of it all! It made me give up on the thought of it all but today is another day and another thought... although the thoughts come and go as quickly as my cups of tea each and every day but I realise that what I want to do is something that I need to do and must do,  how else will I ever become independent again?

Life doesn't need to be hard or stressful so why can't I take everything as it comes instead of taking everything out of proportion, out of context and turning into things that have not even happened and when given the time to actually think it through realise that the odds of it happening are the odds of my tea canister running out of bags. Yes, it happens sometimes but it isn't so bad when it happens, so as long as I have more to fill it up ... and if I don't then it is a trip to the supermarket and that solves that. All I am saying is, when a problem does appear ... it doesn't have to be overly frustrating to sort out what needs to be sorted, unless of course you have no energy or  motivation and then of course that becomes a problem and like me, you would need more than a kick up the backside!

On a brighter note I have done something daring, exciting and unbelievable! I bought two tickets for my husband and I to see the comedian Jon Richardson in Glasgow this March and you just would not believe how excited I have been and not a panic attack over it as of yet. I have it marked on the calendar and it is a positive thing to spot on a bad day, that there will be a night in March that I am bursting with laughter because over all, he cracks me up and has got to be one of my favourite comedians, but it is hard to beat Billy Connolly, and it is also very hard to get tickets to one of his gigs!

I may go out today. It is not even mid day yet and the library doesn't open until 12pm. I have 2 books that I could return and a good hour or so of browsing that I would very much enjoy ... but getting out is still some what of a problem. I have been trying since Monday to return to the library, even as far as getting my shoes out just not on. Key in the door sort of ready and yet here I am. Complete and utter madness!

Tuesday, 24 January 2012

Good Days, Bad Days - and the never ending cycle of them.

I am back and in much better spirits. It really is a never ending cycle with these sudden mood changes and I am still learning how to identify them for what they are and I know that I shouldn't let them get the better of me and to take the good days slowly and to take the bad days for what they are.

I am in much much pain today because I over did it yesterday with a rare high energy level! A morning of zumba that totally kicked my butt followed by much needed yoga and then a day of pre spring clean cleaning. I am feeling the pain this morning in muscles through out my body that I would never have known existed otherwise and you know what I am going to do about it? I am going to sit back with a pot of tea by my side to constantly re fill my mug, book in hand and rest. I over did it so I must pay the price!

On Friday I had my doctors appointment. I was open and honest about the problems that I had taking my medication and that I did stop them for 2 weeks. I was not in any trouble although my mind played out so many versions of events of my doctor getting very angry with me and giving me a hard time that I was just waiting for it and when she had thanked me for being open and honest I was in shock and awe! I have a brilliant doctor and she has gone through the medication with me countless times and reasurred me beyond her means.

I felt rather pleased with myself after the appointment so I walked down the road to the supermarket and bought a mid day snack of pain au chocolat and a bottle of water for my trip to the library. The trip to the library had me up most of the previous night in an argument with myself about going and not going. Eventually I told myself that I would not go and only then I was able to drift back to sleep but after my appointment I felt able and ready to do it and I didn't look back. The library and grocery store is 2 minutes away from all of those wonderful books and super polite staff and when I walked in I felt anxious, 20 minutes later I felt right at home with a book on a sofa and listening to the play group that was going on in the children's area which made my heart strings tug. That is another story right there. Most days I am ready to have my tubes tied and other days I argue with myself that maybe 1 child one day wouldn't be a mistake. Like I said, another story for another day.

Slowly I am getting there and there are going to be many bad days and today has all of the makings of a bad day if I let it but I am halfway through Sepulchre by Kate Mosse and I refuse to put it down for any longer than it takes to have a sip of tea.

Tuesday, 17 January 2012

I Don't Feel Like Playing Nice - Or playing at all ... I just don't know what to do with myself

Normally I have it in me to write much much more than this and just like being awake it is a given! But these days I am just so tired and unmotivated and plainly in depression mode that I know that I am wasting precious time and yet I continue doing nothing at all. I just don't know what to do with myself these days!

Just about everything irritates me and it may be because I am not getting enough sleep or because I stopped taking my pills for 2 weeks and now I am back on them but struggling - almost holding a conversation in my head with these little blue and yellow capsules.

And to top it all off I fear having to go to sleep. I cannot sleep and I simply don't want to sleep. I have been having the most frightening and disturbing dreams that I not only scream in them but I am woken up by Nick because I am having a panic attack and this is something that happens more and more. I always wake up with a sore head that later goes forward into a migraine and twice now I have had a bloody nose! The last time that I had a bloody nose was about 5 ..6... maybe 7 years ago!

And to top it all off, with being so moody. I put the tv channel on something that is bound to ruin my day and I sit there and complain and moan about how stupid and pointless and what have you this program and this person is about! If it wont ruin your day let it ruin mine, I seem to bathe in enjoyment out of it for the moment even though it makes me so grumpy!

Wednesday, 11 January 2012

If It Were Possible To Glue My Eyes Opened - That would make it easier to stay awake!

With only a few hours of sleep at most last night I am awake and needing several caffeine filled drinks to keep my eyes opened.
I am determined to stay awake I am determined to stay awake ... I need to stay awake!

If I don't stay awake I will never fall asleep tonight and the cycle will only continue and I just cannot handle this much longer. Come 9pm I am going to have my teeth brushed and the electric blanket switched on and maybe even an hour of t.v in bed if anything decent is on. So I keep telling myself in order to stay awake until then.

Other than this rambling about tiredness and much needed caffeine and blankets I have other things to write about today.

Last night while watching t.v this commercial came on and it has got to be the first commercial I have ever seen that was about mental health/illness and I have to admit that I was in shock. In all fairness it was very unexpected but I think that it was very well done. In case anyone would like to watch it HERE is the link. I think that it is a great start for raising awareness and a simple way to say along the lines 'Listen, mental illness doesn't need to be a taboo, a stigma or any reason to feel uncomfortable around anyone with a mental illness!'
Whenever it comes down to dealing with mental health, not only for ourselves but the general public view it can only go upwards and onwards to a more positive view and it would be great if the stigma would slowly disappear.  Well, that is just how the commercial made me feel - that it was a possibility.

For me it is all about learning how to cope with the good days and the bad days and the really good days and the really bad days. I was very naive when I went in for treatment and what better way to learn just what I wanted out of it. Whenever I went in for treatment I thought and said that the reason behind it was because I wanted my life back and getting my life back turned out to have nothing to do with the treatment. Touching public bathroom items, not washing my hands and being given these set goals for not cleaning this and that for a ridiculous amount of time isn't what I would call getting my life back. The kind of treatment that I went in for turned out to be something that I could not cope with and given the factors I was set up to fail. It wasn't for me but it could be for someone else but the relationship that you build with your therapist is important. Beyond important. It is a must. I wish that on meeting my first and second therapist that I stood up and ran out of that office and fast and never to look back. I feel scarred for life. Someone experimenting their methods on an unsuspecting and helpless victim. It is one thing to learn about OCD from a textbook but when it comes to the reality of a sufferer no textbook with endless pages could ever be filled with enough information on the subject!

My last appointment turned into an hour of emotional abuse from a 'trained professional' and it has left me feeling very bitter towards therapists and treatment but it has also taught me a lesson. OCD cannot be cured and if someone tries to tell you that they can cure your OCD, run, run fast. I regret not doing that myself and I heard the alarm bells and I ignored them. It is a pipe dream, a fantasy and a lovely thought but it is not a reality. It isn't a Hollywood movie where patient seeks help and the help they get is from a stern but insane therapist who is controlling and sets up the patient to fail each and every task by using flooding and the end result is that the patient cries a bit and then grows thicker skin. The patient then completes each and every task and then poof! the OCD is gone to never return again.

Before I risk starting a bitter rant I better log off and sort out the last few days worth of housework. I wish that OCD had its perks, starting with making chores fun.

Thursday, 5 January 2012

The Trip To The Library - I did it and I liked it!

I was in heaven today, well ... book heaven. It was a wonderful place once I understood the importance of breathing!

I didn't leave to go to the library at the time that I first planned on. I was several hours late and to the point where I met Nick on the way there when he was on his way home from work.

I am now a proud owner of a library card and I made sure to take my large canvas bag with me to the library because I knew that if I would borrow any books it would be several and that is just what happened and to the point where I was slightly tipping over to one side on the walk home from the weight of the books! It felt good.

I have 5 books for 4 weeks and if I can get through them all I will reach my 50 books to read in 1 year goal on goodreads in no time at all.

There was also cds and dvds that could be borrowed but there was an 80p fee for borrowing a cd and £1.80 for a dvd. At that price I might as well buy a copy and borrowing books instead of buying them all of the time would save money in the long run.

I have to admit that it took me a while to feel comfortable at the library and the panic did set in but I just walked around and took my time and told myself that if I didn't want to touch the books that I didn't have to. It was entirely up to me and what I wanted was not only to read just about every book in that building but also the exposure that comes with touching god knows how many other people have touched already books.

So, the 5 books that I have started with are
- 50 Great Myths of Popular Psychology - by Scott O. Lilienfeld, Steven J Lynn, John Ruscio & Barry L. Beyerstein.
- Labyrinth - by Kate Mosse
- A Cat Named Adolf - by Trude Levi
- Even To The Edge of Doom -by William & Rosalie Schiff & Craig Hanley
- The Executioner's Bible - by Steve Fielding

There were a few other books that I spotted but I left there for the next visit. I think 5 to start with is maybe a tad over the top!

I just want to finish reading The Boys From Brazil by Ira Levin before I start on any other book but there is a temptation to start on the others straight away even though I feel dirty after touching these borrowed books.

Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Rain Rain Go Away ... So I can go outside and well ... go outside

It is just coming up for 8:30 and routine is slowly coming back. Ah, yes, routine .. I remember you, it has been a while but I never forgot about you! I longed for you but secretly enjoyed not having you in my life for the first few mornings but it is good to have you back!

Pulling the covers back and stepping into my slippers at 6:30 felt good. Switching on the shower for Nick and putting the heat on, also good. The usual of making his breakfast and packing his lunch and laying out his 'getting ready for work stuffs' also good and maybe a tad excessive but it isn't something that I think twice about doing and I think that one of the best things about being in a relationship is being able to take care of the other person ... even if that sounds gooey and mushy I stand by it and wouldn't have it any other way!

The weather has been horrible and despite trying to leave the house to go to the library that is just under 15 minutes of a stroll from our flat I cannot bring myself to get out that front door. It is normally because I cannot face leaving the house in general but the idea of rain water touching me, seeping through my skin and the chemicals in the water in my mind is enough to make me close the door and cry while taking off my shoes - If I even get as far as putting them on.

I badly want to go down to the library and have a look around. I don't know if I can bring myself to touch the books but I am determined to give it a try. Wearing gloves would take it too far and even though I have let my OCD go far enough over the years I think that wearing gloves would bring it to tipping point and it would really ruin any enjoyment out of one of my few and favourite past times. I will try again tomorrow because it will be raining throughout the day today. Yes, I refuse to wear gloves for my OCD but I refuse to leave the house because of rain water. OCD doesn't have to make sense. Either you got it or you don't.

Tuesday, 3 January 2012

Routine Routine Routine Routine! Routine is a very important thing, OCD or no OCD, Routine Routine Routine Routine!

The holidays will take their own toll and that is there gift to me and it is one that I wish that I could re gift but I would feel far too guilty to hand it over to another poor soul!

I am going to just have to accept that as much as I love holidays my anxiety is not keen on the change and I am going to need to start to get into some better habits of dealing with the changes in routines when it comes to the holidays. I need more self discipline. I used to have so much of it that I could have lent some out and I would not have missed it. I am not going to fall into the same trap next year when it comes to the holidays. I will get up the same time each morning, 6:30am and I will go to bed the same time every night 10:30pm and if I want to go to bed earlier, that is alright because I will waste no time in opening up my latest read.

I hate change in routine and yet some how I have changed my routine to the point that my anxiety is at an all time high and the temptation to find a 'safe zone' in some daft place in my flat to curl up into to escape the stress but instead I am going to force back my routine, I know that I would be happy, well, happier to have the routine and with the routine there is no chance of me wasting any precious time that I will not get back. At least with the sleep deprivation I have not wasted much time laying awake. My mind races and I have many thoughts that I think are important and I try so hard to remember but come morning I can only remember bits and pieces of them and they make no sense. However, keeping a notebook and pen beside the bed means that when I have these extraordinary thoughts I can write them down and so I did and they are as irrational as my OCD! They are mind boggling and creative and almost genius.

Alright, well. Nick has made me my breakfast this morning and it is being served. Scrambled eggs, potato scone and toast and the second of many cups of tea for today!