Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Rain Rain Go Away ... So I can go outside and well ... go outside

It is just coming up for 8:30 and routine is slowly coming back. Ah, yes, routine .. I remember you, it has been a while but I never forgot about you! I longed for you but secretly enjoyed not having you in my life for the first few mornings but it is good to have you back!

Pulling the covers back and stepping into my slippers at 6:30 felt good. Switching on the shower for Nick and putting the heat on, also good. The usual of making his breakfast and packing his lunch and laying out his 'getting ready for work stuffs' also good and maybe a tad excessive but it isn't something that I think twice about doing and I think that one of the best things about being in a relationship is being able to take care of the other person ... even if that sounds gooey and mushy I stand by it and wouldn't have it any other way!

The weather has been horrible and despite trying to leave the house to go to the library that is just under 15 minutes of a stroll from our flat I cannot bring myself to get out that front door. It is normally because I cannot face leaving the house in general but the idea of rain water touching me, seeping through my skin and the chemicals in the water in my mind is enough to make me close the door and cry while taking off my shoes - If I even get as far as putting them on.

I badly want to go down to the library and have a look around. I don't know if I can bring myself to touch the books but I am determined to give it a try. Wearing gloves would take it too far and even though I have let my OCD go far enough over the years I think that wearing gloves would bring it to tipping point and it would really ruin any enjoyment out of one of my few and favourite past times. I will try again tomorrow because it will be raining throughout the day today. Yes, I refuse to wear gloves for my OCD but I refuse to leave the house because of rain water. OCD doesn't have to make sense. Either you got it or you don't.


  1. I hope you make it to the library! :) The weather here is nothing but snow right now! Are you ok with snow

  2. Hmmm... I don't have many words of encouragement for you this morning since I've let OCD go too far so much in my life that I'm still in the baby stages of learning how to take my power back from it. All I can say is that it is really hard work to go against OCD's demands but each time you do it, it gets a tad easier.

    Well, maybe I do have an encouraging word or two.... I used to be petrified of libraries and now I work in one. I didn't know it at the time, but by continually exposing myself to my fears, I eventually overcame them. My therapist said I was able to do this because I wanted so badly to go to my library regularly and check out books and DVDs and I wanted it more than the OCD wanted me not to so I persevered.

    Now all that said, I still have trouble touching old books and wash my hands afterwards whenever I do. And, I mostly keep to my cubicle in the back office of the library where I catalog and process all the brand new books. But I am able to touch old books nowadays... I just have to wash up afterwards which can get stressful but at least I'm touching them with my bare hands.

  3. I don't mind the snow but I find that the winters just feel so long when there is far too much snow on the ground. I have to admit that I prefer living in Scotland than Canada because there is much much less snow, sometimes no snow at all!

    Elizabeth, you are an inspiration!

  4. I go to the library but if I get a book that has something dirty on it I don't I return it. I know I shouldn't but I do. Fresh rain doesn't bother me but I don't like taking my dog for a walk in it because I'm afraid of chemicals from lawns getting on her feet.

  5. You may not have gone out in the rain to the library today, but you did get up and keep to a routine. Sounds like progress!
    I agree with Elizabeth--baby steps and keep at it.

  6. Hi Maggie. Though I've read your blog before this is my first post. Aah library books - I love them but I hate them. I don't like touching them either. I do it, but it's tough sometimes. I got a Kindle because I love reading so much, and I have to say I occasionally giggle because it means I really don't have to touch library books anymore. I didn't get the Kindle for that purpose, but . . . I think I will have to take a trip to the library for a little exposure and response prevention. I'll go if you go. Let me know!

  7. I was such a regular at the library that they knew me by name. Then ocd contamination type hit me and i was afraid of the library books- of touching them and getting contaminated by them AND of maybe contaminating them at home and then having to clean them before i returned them. i stopped going to my favourite spot for a very long time. I finally started taking books out and just resigned myself to the book cleaning routine- sometimes BEFORE i read them, sometimes AFTER i read them, if i didn't do it 'right' - it got contaminated some how. Sometimes more than once. But slowly, with the meds, i weaned myself off that feeling of contamination and now i can go to the library and touch almost anything...except musty or really dirty books.

    I still have a bit of a problem if i find a black spot on or in the book because my mind automatically travels to MOLD as the cause. But that only involves a handwash and not touching that page again. I'm trying to not be so worried about every mark i see. Have even touched one of the marks and not washed my hands...and i'm alive to talk about it.

    Sometimes having a positive goal in your mind that means more to you than doing what ocd wants can help. For example: reading a book you REALLY want to is a positive goal that inspires one to want to push thru the ocd DREAD thots. Winning is more than just emotional- you actually get something you value a lot at the end: the pleasure of reading.

    good luck.


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