Saturday, 31 December 2011

I Don't Think That I Am Ready For A New Year, But lets try it out anyways. The time machine must not be far behind by now.

Where did another year go to. Will it come back? Yes, of course it will come back, in memory form and when time travelling becomes a reality I will travel back and do some things differently, or if given the chance I might look differently at the whole situation and decide not to change a thing. Lets just see how things go first.

This will be my last post of 2011 and I feel a bit sad about another year finishing up and all of the things that I failed to do and my mind is racing towards all the things that I want to do and already I am getting ahead of myself.

The holidays have taken its toll, I have been hit by that mental truck and it reversed and ran me over again and again... and again. My ocd must have bribed that driver.

Farewell 2011 and Good Night.

Tuesday, 27 December 2011

I Am NOT A BahHumBug! I am just glad that is all over and done with for another year,

Another Christmas done and dusted, I feel tired and sore and I am just about ready to go back to bed, despite only being out of bed for 10 hours today. On a good note, I ended my t.v viewing with the first of three part series of Great Expectations and it was so great that I had forgotten all about the cup of tea that Nick had made for me. Thankfully it was still warm but being so late I hope that the caffeine doesn't keep me awake.

I hope that everyone had a safe and happy Christmas. Over the years I have learnt many things about this time of the year and the main thing is just feeling content. Let the good times stay in mind and let the snarky comments ride off of our imaginary feathers back into those murky and bleak puddles of ill heartedness. It is close to another new start of another new year and I have been working very hard over the last 7 months to get back on my feet. I have had many 'ups' over the last week and some 'downs' and at the moment the painful feeling of being hit by a truck sort of down but I am going to tuck myself away in bed with the blanket on and the last few pages of A Christmas Carol and try again tomorrow, and if tomorrow doesn't work out.. well.. then it doesn't work out but I can't go to bed on a negative note, what if the negativity of it all sets my new day to a bad start. That just may be the ocd talking.

Well, I am just about falling asleep here but I wanted to take a quick moment to write, clear my mind of some of this madness and hope to god that tomorrow is a brighter day and on with the post holiday clean up, even though there is not much to clean up to the non ocd eye and being hit by the mental truck has left me wrapped up in emotional bandages and cosy blankets.

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Hectic Before Christmas - I thought that Christmas was hectic enough on it's own.

It has been a very hectic time and with Christmas around the corner the hectic days have not stopped despite constantly resting, but then again I cannot sit still and my mind races a million miles a minute and spending much of the time on the couch I started another one of my many 'projects'

I had to put my tree skirt aside, sewing on so many tiny beads had made me feel a bit sickly, a motion sickness type feeling and that was very odd, as reading in the car and doing jigsaw puzzles are the only other things that give me the same queasy feeling!
I will slowly get the tree skirt done, I may need to take a stomach tablet before starting it again.

I did how ever manage to crochet a baby blanket in just under 3 days. I started on one night and in 2 hours I had 10 squares made. The next day a total of 32 and last night 48 and put together and the border done. It was all very last minute but I wanted to gift a blanket to Nicks cousins baby girl and I could not find one that I liked enough to gift and I am pleased that I went ahead with the little project. I will post a photo after it has been gifted, I don't want to risk giving away the surprise! I hope that they like it *Fingers crossed!*

Today I must try to rest, properly rest. Give my hands a break and try to calm my mind. Who am I kidding though? Even when I have to sit and rest I find something to do while I 'rest' I really cannot bring myself to sit still, I fear that I am wasting time with just resting! why not do something while resting? is that still considered resting?

Alright, before I start to go on too much about this resting malarky, here are the photos from my triumph of a walk along the canal!


Friday, 16 December 2011

What a Day, and another day and another day. I need a rest!

I need to try this again. I made an attempt to start a post once I got home from my doctors appointment today and instead I found myself in the kitchen, sleepy eyed and attempting to make a quick lunch and a hot chocolate that turned into two. Once I had my lunch I logged on to the computer and found myself falling asleep. I shut down the computer, put the electric blanket and tv on in the bedroom, pjs and before I knew it I was out like a light. It has been a few hectic days in a row and it has left me feeling drained.

It all started on Wednesday, I was feeling rather anxious about Thursday because I was having Nicks cousin over for coffee and cakes and to finally meet her baby girl (who is just beyond adorable!) When Nick got in from work on Wednesday night we went down to his grandmothers to check in on her as she has caught that terrible viral infection that has been going around. I was very nervous about just leaving the flat but even more nervous about being around someone who I know has a cold but I was more concerned about her health than to stay away. I armed myself with flowers and home baking and we set off. The visit went well and despite her feeling so unwell she took time to ask me how I was feeling and encouraged me to keep on trying to go out and get my life back because it would be terrible to waste it away. She is such a lovely woman.

Once we had walked through the door, our cat Archie was licking his backside. This may sound pretty disgusting but he had been doing it just about non stop for days and we just assumed that he was being perverted as he is sometimes a bit of a randy cat! Anywho, we just happened to notice a lot of fur missing off of his back end, swollen and red and we did not hesitate but contacted the clinic and took him in. Thankfully it is nothing serious and an injection and a check up on the following day should be sufficient. Ever since I have struggled to stop washing my hands and within two days they are awfully dry and cracked and if I don't stop soon they will end up in the same state as last year when they would not stop bleeding.

That night when we could finally call it a night I was beyond tired. A painful kind of tired but my mind racing and not being able to drift off. Once I did manage to fall asleep I stayed in bed and slept in that morning. Nick had to make his own lunch for work that day and once I woke up at 10am I felt rested. Not refreshed but able to start my day.

I had Nicks cousin over and I was very excited but a tad nervous and I felt like I could not stop shaking throughout the visit! I held the baby and carried her around and I remembered just how much I love babies! I would freak out my husband if I carry on about babies so I will stop here on that! I had a really nice chat with her and I hated for it to end and I will be quick to invite them back in the new year! Like many things I worry about, it is nonsense to worry about. I was able to talk about my breakdown and my OCD and I felt comfortable talking to her about it and she showed nothing but concern and support and I am left thinking that if only more were even as half as understanding and kind then there would be no stigma left when it comes to mental health!

That night we took our kitty, Archie, back to the vets and it went well. Another injection and he should be all healed up in a week. Thankfully. I love my little man even though he is a devious cat who is always getting into trouble! We stopped in to visit Nicks grandmother on the way home and Archie had a little walk around her home and after a nice visit we drove down to Nicks parents and had a little visit with them and again, Archie had a little walk about their home and my mother in law was no where near impressed as they don't have pets and they don't really let any animals in the house. Just glad that Archie was well behaved and didn't leave any messes on their nice carpet! Instead he made himself comfortable on the couch beside Nicks father and the drugs must have kicked in because Archie was fast asleep. I don't think that Archie's good behaviour will be in his favour for a second visit and maybe he should have left a little something for them. haha.

It was very late getting in and it was another night of feeling painfully tired and I had two doctors appointments to look forward to the next morning! My post hardly finishes here. No, don't be silly. When I say hectic I mean hectic!

I had two appointments this morning. The first with a nurse for my asthma check. I seem to have it under control but with the cold weather I should expect to need to use my inhaler more often. 40 minutes after that appointment, thankfully in the same clinic, I had my next appointment, my weekly with my doc. Thankfully I had my kindle and I got a good start on A Christmas Carol. The 40 minutes went by quickly and before I knew it I was in the doctors office and talking a million miles a minute about my hectic days and I was feeling good, I was cheerful and feeling a bit more 'normal' and my doctor said that she has never seen me in such high spirits but she did warn me that because of the events it would be more of an adrenalin and not to get upset when I start to feel tired because I will feel tired and it may last several days and that is perfectly normal and OK and I have done really well already and to take it easy and not to push myself.

Once I left the doctors I started my walk back home. It takes me about 25 minutes to a half an hour to walk home. I started to think that maybe I would just go straight home and have lunch but I quickly told myself no and that I was going to go down to the canal. The snow made everything look so beautiful and I wanted to enjoy it while I can. I would regret not doing it but I wouldn't regret doing it! So with a little detour on my way home I walked down the path to the canal and I was greeted by two beautiful swans, a man with a dog and as I reached into my bag to get out the camera the swans came my way, they must have thought that I was bringing them bread. The man joked that I arrived just in time and I laughed and said how disappointed the swans would be because I had no bread and just wanted to get a photo of them! We laughed and talked about the snow and then we parted. One thing I never do is talk to strangers and yet I managed it and it felt natural and I was not nervous. One for the books, I must remember this day!

I walked along the canal, snapping lots and lots of photos and I was still walking in the direction of my flat but instead of taking the path down when I reached the path to the top of the street I kept on going. I was in no rush and I walked slowly and I enjoyed the crunching of the snow, the cold air and the scenery. I must have stayed out there for half an hour and I loved every minute of it. I am so so so very proud of myself for the last few days and the walk along the canal would be the best way to finish off a good day with a good nap under many blankets and if I have another good day tomorrow than that is great, however, if it is not so great, well then that is perfectly fine I will just rest!

I will upload the photos once I am rested. I think that I am going to retire to my bed any moment and switch that blanket back on.

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

I Tried I Didn't Fail .. Even though I didn't quite make it out the door.

"You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don't try to forget the mistakes, but you don't dwell on it. You don't let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space."
Johnny Cash

Okay, so I didn't quite get out of the house yesterday. I was close, so close but it just didn't happen but that is okay because I tried. I had it in my head to go out, gave myself some tasks to do and this time I refuse to look at it at a failure. I attempted it and that counts for something and it doesn't mean that it was my last chance. I will have many more chances to try, but not for the next few days as we are back to having bad weather! 70mph winds, hailstones and apparently lots and lots of snow over the next few days. But once the snow and wind stops I am going to try to get out there, wrapped up warm and go for a walk along the canal since it has been months and months and months since I was last down there for a walk, despite it being right behind our flat.

I want to see the snow covered trees, the frozen waters and hear that lovely crunch crunch crunch of the snow beneath my feet and then to come home and have a mug of hot cocoa, it will never taste as good as it does when you come in from the cold! I didn't quite fail, I tried and I am proud of that and I am going to keep trying.

This is the time to curl up with a blanket on the couch, a mug of hot cocoa and a good book, or my proudly owned kindle with over 300 books .. I lost count after 300. I am a book addict, is that healthy? I am sure it is somewhat healthier than my chocolate addiction.

Monday, 12 December 2011

Done, Done & Nearly Done - I have plans to leave the house today, lord have mercy!

Phew. This morning I have successfully completed putting together my homemade Christmas cards and wrote out the rest of the envelopes. Waiting for the glue insert to dry then I can put them in the allocated envelopes, add the stamp and here it goes - walk down to the postbox by the main road and post them! and to top it off, walk even further down to the post office and send the ones that need to go overseas since today is the last day that I can send them in hopes that they arrive on time! This is something that I need to do, not just so the cards arrive on time but as we all know, my struggles of leaving the house has kept me from doing things that I need to do and should have done ages ago and I need to get back to trying, even the best attempts can go wrong but how can I give myself credit if I don't try. Yes, I will panic, I will check that everything is off and that the windows that have not been opened are shut and that I have locked the door countless times. I will get into a panic when I leave the front door and I will feel hopeless after the 10 minutes it will take to get to the main road (it is a fair distance but panic + walking = speed walking which means I burn calories faster? well. There is a bright side to everything!)

I know that once I make it to the post office, which is about a 20 minute walk, maybe a bit longer depending on the traffic I will feel so proud of myself for getting there and then I will go back to feeling hopeless for the walk that I have to face to get home! but I know that once I reach my front door I will have the biggest smile on my face along with a sense of achievement and some much needed exhaustion! I am wired, completely wired! 3 weeks of ironing DONE! Dishes Done, housework - NEARLY DONE! woot woot.

I am going to nip into the grocery store on my way home, as I walk past it anyways and I am going to pick up the few things that I need to make a much loved holiday family recipe so I can get a start on this Christmas baking malarkey! Okay, now I need to say goodbye and log off and get a shower and attempt to leave the house while the rain is off! Phew!

Oh, and I had the oddest dream last night. I was back in my home town and the library that my mother used to take me to had closed down and was for sale and I was thinking about buying it but I came to the conclusion that we could not be as frugal living in Canada as what we are living in Scotland (and that is something that is important to me, even in my dreams where I could dream of having anything for goodness sake!) and that my home is in Scotland and I would miss it here more than I miss my hometown! What an odd dream!

Tuesday, 6 December 2011

George MacDonald Has Just Summed Up OCD - While I was browsing through the land of fae.

I just happened to start reading this book 'Phantastes, a Faerie Romance for Men and Women' by George MacDonald and it has really struck a chord, has me hooked. It has become an addictive read but one that I have to read slowly so I can savour every letter of every word of every sentence of every paragraph. I just love it and I just wanted to quote one of my favourite few lines in the book, and just in case you would like to know more about the book you can click HERE and if you would like to download it to read for free click HERE as it is part of Project Gutenberg which is just without a doubt amazing and I wish that books were available like this when I was younger!

'My spirits rose as I went deeper; into the forest; but I could not regain my former elasticity of mind. I found cheerfulness to be like life itself - not to be created by any argument. Afterwards I learned, that the best way to manage some kinds of pain fill thoughts, is to dare them to do their worst; to let them lie and gnaw at your heart till they are tired; and you find you still have a residue of life they cannot kill. So, better and worse, I went on, till I came to a little clearing in the forest.'

Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Goodbye November! See you next year!

It is the last day of November and I can hardly believe my eyes and I had to look twice at the calendar to be sure! Where has this month gone??? I have barely finished let alone started anything that I set out to do this month and yes, I know, I have been ill with a nasty cold but that doesn't stop me from being so hard on myself even though most seem to beg to differ on that subject. Being hard on myself doesn't exactly get the job done any quicker or better so why should I be so hard on myself? Everything is there waiting for me to do and it is hardly going anywhere but the moment I manage to get one thing done I have set myself 20 other tasks to do.

I need to learn how to chill out, big time! and I am constantly told just that. I am too 'uptight' and 'serious' and I just can't let my hair down -ever. I don't like my hair down, it always tangles up and I refuse to have it cut because I can never seem to get it cut the way I would like it to be so I am better off with hair nearly down to my bottom then ending up with a haircut I always end up crying over! Not that I am vain, not at all but hair takes far too long to grow back!

I have started to think about the whole idea of 'new years resolutions' and most people tend to have the good intentions on things like, quitting smoking, going on a diet, joining a gym ... I am not going to wait until the first day of the new year to attempt to get my life back on track and as scary as it all seems I need to give living another try. I am learning a lot about not being able to live and that is bound to happen with 6+ months of not being able to do things I once did with some fear and hesitation but I still managed to do where as at the moment I am and have never been happy locked away. Avoiding everything doesn't work. It doesn't make anything better and it will get me nowhere for longer. It is a scary world out there and my mind is a much scarier place. I am probably safer in this world than I am in my own mind! But is it worth the risk?

Come on Margaret, don't be such a chicken, just go outside! NOOO!! I JUST CAN'T! Why can't you?? ...because I am scared. ... Oh! Not this again! ...Maybe we try again tomorrow.
*Everyday at the front door*

Tomorrow is another day but just telling myself that each and every day has lost all effect when tomorrow comes and I avoid even trying. I am not sure where to start at this point but I need to figure this out. I learnt one thing the other night. I have always been a bit of a 'loner' I am shy and quiet and I have never had many friends although! the ones that I could call friends were just that. Since I moved to the UK I have never seemed to meet anyone and for the first time in my life I feel lonely and I want to meet others and make new friends but I am not sure how. It feels worse than the first day of school. I am nowhere that lets me meet anyone and offer to share my juice drink and pudding in hopes of making a new friend. Now I just wouldn't let anyone drink out of my straw or eat my pudding. Is it supposed to be this hard to meet new people and make new friends? I mean, I have met people since I moved over but it is nowhere near the friendships I once had. I feel selfish for thinking it and saying it but is this what happens when you grow up??

Monday, 28 November 2011

I wrote my mother, I wrote my father, And now I'm writing you too. I'm sure of mother, I'm sure of father, And now I want to be sure of you.

Is it really nearing the end of November already?? It only feels like the month has just started!

I am sitting here at the kitchen table with the laptop and Archie is chasing around bits of paper on the floor. Who needs to buy 'cat toys' when you can give them paper and half an hour later I will find him curled up somewhere napping after being played out. Who am I kidding, half an hour??! more like 5 minutes.

The Andrew Sisters is in the back round during my frantic cleaning session that has been abruptly distracted with my blog this morning. My constantly viral and side effects have kept me from dusting and doing the usual household chores for almost a month. The flat is still clean to look at but if you go looking for dirt it will be found but after today you will not even find a cat hair. As long as all distractions are at bay.

I want to get ready to decorate for Christmas but I promised Nick that I would wait until the first of December but it has not stopped me from putting out a Christmas themed dish cloth and a few other little things. I am not ready to face the spider infested hall closet to reach the tree. I am so not ready to face that closet that my Halloween decorations are still sitting in the hallway. I struggle so much to leave the flat that I cannot even get myself out into the outside/inside closet! I couldn't even tell you the last time I took out the garbage or washed the patio and with the high winds one of my climbing plants have toppled over and I will need to trim it back - When - I do not know.

It will be a busy day of cleaning and that I am looking forward to. It feels like old productive me with a hint of the usual distraction. I am also working on a skirt for the tree, sewing on little white beads and embroidering snowflakes and seeing what else I can do with a large piece of leftover midnight blue fabric. I have the fabric bought to make our own Christmas stockings too and the snaps for some handmade crackers! Now I just need to find my creativity. I am sure that I stuffed it in a drawer with everything else, including a bill that is now overdue (oops..)

Oh and I need to finish making the Christmas cards and find my address book which has also been stuffed into a drawer somewhere and make sure that they are sent for the first of the month. I hope that I can make time for Charlotte Bronte and a cup of tea tonight!

Monday, 21 November 2011

Left Foot Left Foot Left Right right...right...left left??? foot?? huh?

This morning was a morning of routine. Nick is back to work after 9 days of holidays and that means I am back to crawling out of bed at the same time - Although I wait until he is in the shower before my sorry excuse for crawling out of bed could be viewed. What has happened to me? I am a morning person! I love morning, I love the crack of dawn, the sunrise, the crisp air and the quiet! Morning is the best time to get things done so why did I crawl back into bed after Nick left for work. No, not only did I crawl back into bed but I took Northanger Abbey with me and I switched on the electric blanket. I read for about an hour and started to feel my eyes gain weight. I switched off the book and blanket and I closed my eyes. I woke up at 11:00 and it felt like a guilty pleasure.

My day is slowly getting there. The laundry is on and I have attempted Zumba. Thankfully on the wii with all blinds and curtains shut! I tripped over my feet countless times, laughed at myself and now I feel tired out. Time for a cup of tea and catching up with Jane Austen. Oh, I still have housework to do but that work out has left me exhausted! If I ever have trouble sleeping at night I will just attempt to stumble over my legs - I would make a terrible centipede or anything with more than two feet! I don't think that I could bring myself to attend a class. I would die of embarrassment and shame and I would likely knock over everyone else with my stumbling. Can stumbling be a new dance? I think so, I have mastered it, I am a pro! No rhythm needed, no sense of direction and most of all its a work out on its own!

Anywho. Now that I am up and able and putting away this zumba disaster I am bringing out the photos of St Andrews.
I just love old buildings!

Nick and I at the beach. No, definitely not bikini weather in November!

I wanted to walk down the path and see the view of the beach
but it was private property, so I took a photo of the plaque instead!

The castle ruins. We didn't go through to tour them this time,
I would like to save it until family and friends visit.

One of the university buildings, there was so many it was
hard to keep track of! I envy those students!

Love the fall colours!

A happy detour. Slightly lost at one point thanks
to my weak bladder. It was worth it.

The golf course. Of course. tehehe.

Inverkeithing ... or as I called it .. Incarthinking.

I love not being able to pronounce the names of the places,
Not! .. I end up with Incarthinking and Nick will never let that
one down!

Who knew that golf could be so dangerous!

Saturday, 19 November 2011

St Andrews, Autumn Colours and Crisp Air - A perfect time to get away from the ocd, but it still tagged along. It must of hid under the car!

I am sitting here nearly falling asleep. I wanted to blog yesterday while the trip to St Andrews was still fresh on my mind. It still is but I just can't seem to get rid of this bug and feeling tired all of the time is getting the better of me. Thankfully the rash has cleared up and after a visit with my GP on Friday it was agreed that it is likely to be an allergic reaction. I just don't know what I could be allergic to and now it is constantly on my mind when I am wanting to have something to eat. I always have the same things in my diet, I am plain and boring and I don't tend to have anything different. I am allergic to dairy and I know that sometimes I am naughty and I can't resist a bit of ice cream or milk chocolate but I can't see that being the cause of the rash.

Anyways! Something other than ill health!

St Andrews was lovely. The trees were all in lovely fall colours, the air was crisp and the scenery was beautiful! We were there for just one night and it was such a big achievement and I am so proud of myself for managing to not only leave the flat but to travel 2 hours away and stay a night. Once we got into our hotel room I stayed in for the night. I couldn't face going out, not even downstairs to the restaurant to have dinner. Thankfully I had a good sized breakfast the next morning!

The next morning we went out to put our cases in the car once we checked out. I had no choice but to leave and I was anxious but it soon went down when I started to naturally enjoy myself. We walked along the beach and I collected some pretty shells. I got into a bit of a panic about my hands getting dirty and found the nearest public toilet to wash my hands which didn't help much but it was the best that I could do. We walked along the path by the golf course and then we headed towards the castle and cathedral ruins. I saw the university buildings and they were just beautiful. Overall a really beautiful place but it is so nice to just be home!

I will post photos later on, I need to have a rest before I can get myself to sort them out. I am just so tired

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

I Need To Charge The Camera!

The rash is still here, not where it originally was. It disappeared from one spot on my body and reappeared on another part of me. I am applying cream like an addict and taking the medication that was prescribed for it in hopes that it soon starts to fade away for good!

On a brighter note I am taking a little trip. It is just a few hours away but we are leaving tomorrow morning bright and early to spend a couple of days in St Andrews. I am attempting to get some laundry caught up before the night is over, quickly tidy up the flat and make sure that I have enough tea bags out because tomorrow my mother in law will arrive to take care of our over sized and over clingy cat, Archie.

Today is our 3 year wedding anniversary, despite going away tomorrow to celebrate we have already started by my breakfast being made for me this morning while I stayed in bed for an extra 20 minutes. I am really looking forward to going away tomorrow, a bit scared or if I admit to it .. very very nervous!

I will take lots of photos!

Sunday, 13 November 2011

My Quiet Life Soon Become Hectic! I am looking forward to crawling into fresh sheets tonight!

Two nights ago I was feeling more tired than usual. This viral infection really has got me down, mentally and physically! When I called it an early night I was in bed for no more than 20 minutes when I started to noticed patches of tiny bumps all over my legs, chest and arms. I could not stop scratching and I have to say, it felt like I had chickenpox's and that thought soon crossed my mind but somehow I was logical! I had chickenpox's at the age of 13 and it is very uncommon to have them a second time around.

At first I attempted to think nothing of it and try to just sleep. I felt exhausted but I just could not drift off so then eventually I called Nick through and asked him to have a look at me. We both had the idea that this was something that I would have to go to the hospital for and that put me into a panic before the words left his mouth. Instead to try to find out what the problem was and if it was serious enough to go to the hospital we phoned the NHS24 helpline and after about 15 minutes of speaking to some very nice and helpful ladies I was asked if I could try to get myself to the hospital that night but if I could not get myself out of the house to phone them again. I did get out of the house and surprisingly for a Friday night this hospital itself was quiet! I must have waited 20 minutes and not a moment longer!

The doctor was a male and normally .. and this may sound odd, but I do get more frightened having to talk to men than I do women. He was lovely though, very kind and understanding. He cleaned off his stethoscope before using it and when I started to cry and apologized profusely for asking him to do such ridiculous things but it was just because I could not fight it he then quickly told me that I didn't need to apologize and it wasn't a problem and he has actually had many other OCD sufferers in his office before and he understands just how crippling the illness can become if it is left untreated.

I was never rushed out of the office. I was checked over and given a prescription for some pills, cream and lotion to help keep my skin from getting dried out from the cream. The doctor also spoke to me about my previous treatment and asked if anything was being done for me at the moment and if I wanted to try CBT again. I explained how put off I had been with the last two therapists and the approach and he agreed with me that I was being flooded and clearly it has put me in a worse state now that I have been left to my own devices, especially after I was given another therapist who would only see me 4 times before she went onto maternity leave.

Despite the bad experiences with the therapists I am still going to try the CBT again. I need to for my own well being. I am just not strong enough to bring myself to it just yet but I hope to get there eventually. As for the visit to the hospital it went much better than the images in my mind. I was so worried that I would be poked and prodded with needles and made to stay in over night I was worked up into a panic attack. When the doctor told me that if the rash doesn't start to go down then he would like me to come back in for tests I just broke down in tears. I looked a right state! But I understood the importance of it and the doctor had more than his weight in gold of patience!

I am still a bit itchy, I broke out in a rash on my wrist earlier tonight after Sunday night dinner at the inlaws. I am home now and able to relax. Well.. only for a short time because I must put the sheets on the bed and the clean laundry away and then be up for 6am to pop into my work place to have a word with the assistant manager before anyone else comes in. I don't mean it in a harsh way towards anyone that I work with, or had worked with but I just cannot bare to see anyone just now and seeing the assistant manager is a bit of a struggle. I have not seen him in over 6 months and I have spent the last 6 weeks trying to get out of the house to visit him.

I would also like to try to go down to the inlaws .. I have a pile of books from the closet from Nicks great grandfather! There are so many old books in there and I would just love to borrow them! My kindle now has over 160 titles on it and that does not include the reading list from the book case and now a new list of books to be on the look out for if I can manage a trip to the library! I am in heaven! Heaven!

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

OCD, Weather, Guilt ... Nope! No guilt here today!

I wonder if the weather plays much of a part in how we are feeling. I often feel the effects of damp weather on my joints thanks to Fibromyalgia Syndrome! But when it comes to moods or the severeness of OCD from one day to another. I like the colder weather even though my joints ache and makes an awful creaking noise when I get up too quickly. I like the rooms slightly darker, with mysterious looking shadows covering the walls and furniture. I also like that a cup of hot chocolate has never tasted so delicious! Books are read differently, instead of being taken outside to enjoy the heat of the sun I end up taking them into a little corner of the couch, under the light a blanket and a hot drink, any kind of drink so as long as it is hot and caffeinated!

I have had books on my mind over the last few weeks and finally I have allowed myself to have something that I wanted for a long time. Can a long time be a matter of months? I wanted a kindle but for so long I just didn't allow myself to have that kind of money spent on myself. I always feel guilty if I spend too much on myself, whether it is clothes, shoes or a gadget of some kind but it needs to stop. I can't feel guilty for having something that I enjoy and boy do I ever enjoy this magical little device. Don't get me wrong, it could never replace books but it has opened me up to a world of books that I wouldn't have read and it is a vast and great world out there!

I refuse to feel guilty. Instead I coo with glee each and every time I pick up this little device. 83 titles downloaded for free. I am currently reading Jane Austens Northanger Abbey and loving it! OCD you will not win this round with your guilt trips.

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

The Sincere Avoidance of a Smile. A frown is always much easier these days.

I started to attempt to write a post yesterday afternoon about avoidance. Well, I soon avoided that subject so let me try this again. Oh, wait -- hold on a moment, the washing machine has just stopped and I need to hang up the sheets to dry. You would understand, wont you? I mean, it is a dry day, slightly cold but it is dry and the air is crisp and the bed sheets would smell lovely if I could just put them out for a few hours.

...No no, I am not avoiding this post. Not in the slightest!

I always feel a relief when I can avoid something that I can't face. Whether it is the colour red or an odd number but it is never long until I feel disgusted and angry with myself for avoiding these and many other things. If I stopped avoiding them and just got on with it I would of course feel distressed and anxious and no doubt I will have a panic attack or two! Eventually I will calm down and maybe not avoiding these things for a second time around would come a bit easier? No.. not in my experience but that is only because I am so quick to give up and refuse to try again until the desperation kicks in! I really am left here alone in this flat day in and day out as if I am locked up with no escape. The keys are missing and I am having a constant confrontation with my own self to where we left them last! Instead of looking for a way out I give up before I even start. I find myself in another world of my own kind, in my mind. Almost like a third mind. Staring into space with the complete numbness of the silence around me with nowhere to go and nowhere to be. I have hardly persuaded myself to leave the house lately. I am throwing my hands up in the air, this is complete maddess! What have I done? Nothing. Nothing at all and I am not enjoying it.

Goodbye October, see you next year. Hello again November, it is so nice to see you again. Would you be so kind to show me the most beautiful autumnal foliage in colours that could not even be created again, not even through a talented artists brush and maybe just that could tempt me out with my set of keys in hand, shoes on the right feet and I could take a long walk and come back with the crisp air on my clothes, mud on my shoes and the once normal feeling in my heart and my soul could feel light once again. I might even give you a smile on my face, lips curled upwards and maybe even a slight glow in my cheeks to show the sincerity of this rarity.

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

A Very Odd Dream - Somehow with minimum sleep I still manage to dream the oddest dreams!

I had such a bizarre dream last night. It was only a short dream because I soon woke up as I do every night countless times!

I dreamt that I was standing in my old bedroom in the house that my father built. I saw the lilac bedroom walls with the sheer white curtains moving in the breeze of both windows. My white dresser with the bookshelf with every children's title that was once owned held in that shelf. I wanted to take the books out but I couldn't reach them. I was upset but also very angry!

A very odd dream.

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

     It is a rare occurrence for me to post twice in one day but here I am before I go to bed with a few passages that I have read this afternoon and wanted to share from The Diary of a Young Girl. I will end up posting these in my favourite books and quotes section but for now they are in a posting of their own. A very lovely but very heart wrenching read. From the moment that I started to read I felt like maybe the ending could end differently and it wouldn't end in the sealed fate that we all know of.
     For a young woman she was certainly wise and witty.

Wednesday, 23 February 1944
     'The best remedy for those who are frightened, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere they can be alone, alone with the sky, nature and God. For then and only then can you feel that everything is as it should be and that God wants people to be happy amid natures beauty and simplicity.
     As long as this exists, and that should be for ever i know that there will be solace for every sorrow what ever the circumstances. I firmly believe that nature can bring comfort to all who suffer.'

     'Riches, prestige, everything can be lost. But the happiness in your heart can only be dimmed; it will always be there as long as you live, to make you happy again.
     Whenever you're feeling lonely or sad, try going to the loft on a beautiful day and looking outside. Not at the houses and the rooftops, but at the sky. As long as you can look fearlessly at the sky, you'll know that your pure within and will find happiness once more.'

Thursday, 2 March 1944
     'Love, what is love? I don't think you can really put it into words. Love is understanding someone, caring for him, sharing his joys and sorrows. This eventually includes physical love. You've shared something, given something away and received something in return, whether or not you're married, whether or not you have a baby. Losing your virtue doesn't matter, as long as you know that for as long as you live you'll have someone at your side who understands you, and who doesn't have to be shared with anyone else!'

The Escape Route Is In The Words In The Pages Of My Latest Read - How else do I escape the world where OCD exists?

The last few mornings I have grudgingly pulled myself away from the cosy bed covers and quickly pulled on my fuzzy bathrobe and slippers. The air is getting cold and fast!

Motivation to do anything especially while being under the early influence of Fluoxetine with its horrible toll it has taken on me *Damn you side effects! Damn you! You make me dizzy, you give me headaches, or was that from me walking into the door last night on my trip to the bathroom?*

They should market these pills as an effective diet pill of all things. I have lost my binging rights and my real hunger for food. Ignore me in the same way that my real mind does. Believe me for it is much better that way!

Anyways. The side effects have been relentless. I try to get up to do something -- anything but I soon find myself sat back down waiting for the opportunity to present itself when I can lift myself off of the couch and get back to dusting and the other mundane but important to my ocd tasks of the day.

I did find the motivation this morning to do the task of rearranging the bookcase. No motivation was actually needed because I can often be found in front of it with stacks of books all around me and a notepad, to write down any titles I forgot that I had. Somehow I rearranged it with room for at least another 15 maybe even 20 books to fit in. Okay, that might just be a really bad calculation paired with excitement and I am likely to find that I can only fit another 10 titles in there before it becomes crammed. Will I find that out after my excitement fades or when I find myself with 20 new books to add and where I am left with half with nowhere to go.

Hoarding books is excessive - possibly. Rearranging the book case - excessively - yes - constantly.

On a high note today, I am pleased with my latest purchase of Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. I am in love with the price tag of £1 and I am looking forward to reading it but only after I have finished The Diary of a Young Girl and then I may attempt my second hand copy of Claudius the God and His Wife Messalina by Robert Graves. I am really looking forward to it after I finished I, Claudius but it may be on the back burner if I can't bring myself to pick it up and open the pages. I am tempted to buy some latex gloves but then I read that they become porous after 20 minutes of wear. I know that I would be better off to face the fear but it is crippling me. It is a goal, let us finish at that!

The fruits of my labour. Don't be fooled, there is
a second row of books behind each shelf!

If only I could lay in bed and read for the day
-- But I would only fall asleep despite how
much I am enjoying the book!

Thursday, 13 October 2011

Trick-Or-Treat -- Maybe The Ghouls, Ghosts and Goblins can scare away my OCD on Halloween night!

Brrrrr I can feel the chill in the air this morning! Still, Autumn is my favourite season and October is my favourite month. I don't mind the cold weather and at the moment I still keep the bedroom window opened just a tiny bit to let the chilly air through into the bedroom, all day and night. I love the weather here in Scotland, despite all of the rain, I just have a collection of umbrellas! You are an idiot to leave the house without one tucked in your bag because it is likely to start raining while your out even if there is not a rain cloud in sight, in Scotland they are all rain clouds and they will catch you out when you least expect it!

So, today I did manage a task and I am feeling quite proud of myself!

I braved the hall closet out in the communal hallway of our flat. Thankfully the students that are across the hall don't use it and for what we keep in there comes down to three plastic storage containers, Archie's cat carrier, the fan we use in the summer (very rarely) and some paint trays. So you might wonder what is so bad about going out into the hall closet? Well, it is full of spiders. SPIDERS!! EEEEEKKK I would never kill one but I am more than frightened of them. I would go as far as saying a phobia. I will cry, I will scream, I will jump on top of furniture and scream for help as if death is trying to touch me. Oh I hate them so much, especially when they look like they are running on all 8 creepily thin legs towards me.

I did get in there as I constantly looked around and up and watching everywhere I moved and everything I touched and typical sods law the box I wanted to take out was at the bottom of the pile and if that wasn't so bad it had a trail of spider webs surrounding it. I did get it out but without lifting it. Thankfully none of the neighbors were in the hallway, being on the ground floor it is unavoidable to avoid them when they walk through the door. So, as I am pushing this container across the floor, squeamish and washing my hands and arms isn't something that can take away the feeling of spiders. Well, I got it in the flat and if it wasn't for avoidance I would have just taken what I wanted out of it in the hallway without dragging it through my doorway.

The end result. Halloween decorations! Ahhh I love Halloween!! It is right up there with Christmas in my books! Halloween isn't celebrated over here like it is back where I grew up. I have never seen a house decorated here, not even a pumpkin on the doorstep. I miss looking out the window and seeing the swarms of children walking down the street in groups trick or treating and waiting for the door bell so I can hand out candy to the kids who always end with a 'THANK YOU!' and seeing all of the costumes, especially the ones who make such a unique and fantastic effort! I miss seeing the houses so extravagantly decorated with the lights, the music, the man made graveyard with limbs poking out of the ground, the carved pumpkins with the elaborate designs and the simple faces, even the ones with the pumpkin 'guts' spewing out. You have to love it all. I never thought that a country could be so lame with the lack of Halloween celebrations but here in the UK they lack the enthusiasm in celebrating the night of ghouls, ghosts and goblins!

Every year that I have been in the UK I celebrate Halloween but I don't buy candy because we wont get anyone knocking at our door. I still lay out the newspaper on the floor with a pumpkin for my husband and one for myself to carve. We light them and set them out on our doorstep during the nights before and on Halloween night we light candles all around our living room, bring out all of the Halloween candy and spend the night watching cheesy horror movies.

It may not be the same as what I grew up with in Canada and maybe before my lifetime is over the Scots will soon learn how to celebrate this night in style, whether they learn to or not it won't change how I celebrate it now. All the same except for the lack of trick-or-treat-ers, and without them I have a new Halloween tradition with my husband and we also have time for an extra two cheesy horror movies that night.

I feel like I need more decorations! I won't be buying the pumpkins until a few days before Halloween, besides, they may look out of place with the fuchsias in bloom on the patio.

At least this pumpkin is safe from the carving knife!

Even the fake spiders creep me out!

Easy to do - I just melted a red candle
( Smells like cinnamon too yum!) over the white and
let it run down the candle --Thank you Martha Stewart!

Even the family joins in the fun

Archie is even joining in the fun - So as long as he puts
his toys away when hes finished with them.