It is the last day of November and I can hardly believe my eyes and I had to look twice at the calendar to be sure! Where has this month gone??? I have barely finished let alone started anything that I set out to do this month and yes, I know, I have been ill with a nasty cold but that doesn't stop me from being so hard on myself even though most seem to beg to differ on that subject. Being hard on myself doesn't exactly get the job done any quicker or better so why should I be so hard on myself? Everything is there waiting for me to do and it is hardly going anywhere but the moment I manage to get one thing done I have set myself 20 other tasks to do.
I need to learn how to chill out, big time! and I am constantly told just that. I am too 'uptight' and 'serious' and I just can't let my hair down -ever. I don't like my hair down, it always tangles up and I refuse to have it cut because I can never seem to get it cut the way I would like it to be so I am better off with hair nearly down to my bottom then ending up with a haircut I always end up crying over! Not that I am vain, not at all but hair takes far too long to grow back!
I have started to think about the whole idea of 'new years resolutions' and most people tend to have the good intentions on things like, quitting smoking, going on a diet, joining a gym ... I am not going to wait until the first day of the new year to attempt to get my life back on track and as scary as it all seems I need to give living another try. I am learning a lot about not being able to live and that is bound to happen with 6+ months of not being able to do things I once did with some fear and hesitation but I still managed to do where as at the moment I am and have never been happy locked away. Avoiding everything doesn't work. It doesn't make anything better and it will get me nowhere for longer. It is a scary world out there and my mind is a much scarier place. I am probably safer in this world than I am in my own mind! But is it worth the risk?
Come on Margaret, don't be such a chicken, just go outside! NOOO!! I JUST CAN'T! Why can't you?? ...because I am scared. ... Oh! Not this again! ...Maybe we try again tomorrow.
*Everyday at the front door*
Tomorrow is another day but just telling myself that each and every day has lost all effect when tomorrow comes and I avoid even trying. I am not sure where to start at this point but I need to figure this out. I learnt one thing the other night. I have always been a bit of a 'loner' I am shy and quiet and I have never had many friends although! the ones that I could call friends were just that. Since I moved to the UK I have never seemed to meet anyone and for the first time in my life I feel lonely and I want to meet others and make new friends but I am not sure how. It feels worse than the first day of school. I am nowhere that lets me meet anyone and offer to share my juice drink and pudding in hopes of making a new friend. Now I just wouldn't let anyone drink out of my straw or eat my pudding. Is it supposed to be this hard to meet new people and make new friends? I mean, I have met people since I moved over but it is nowhere near the friendships I once had. I feel selfish for thinking it and saying it but is this what happens when you grow up??