I started to attempt to write a post yesterday afternoon about avoidance. Well, I soon avoided that subject so let me try this again. Oh, wait -- hold on a moment, the washing machine has just stopped and I need to hang up the sheets to dry. You would understand, wont you? I mean, it is a dry day, slightly cold but it is dry and the air is crisp and the bed sheets would smell lovely if I could just put them out for a few hours.
...No no, I am not avoiding this post. Not in the slightest!
I always feel a relief when I can avoid something that I can't face. Whether it is the colour red or an odd number but it is never long until I feel disgusted and angry with myself for avoiding these and many other things. If I stopped avoiding them and just got on with it I would of course feel distressed and anxious and no doubt I will have a panic attack or two! Eventually I will calm down and maybe not avoiding these things for a second time around would come a bit easier? No.. not in my experience but that is only because I am so quick to give up and refuse to try again until the desperation kicks in! I really am left here alone in this flat day in and day out as if I am locked up with no escape. The keys are missing and I am having a constant confrontation with my own self to where we left them last! Instead of looking for a way out I give up before I even start. I find myself in another world of my own kind, in my mind. Almost like a third mind. Staring into space with the complete numbness of the silence around me with nowhere to go and nowhere to be. I have hardly persuaded myself to leave the house lately. I am throwing my hands up in the air, this is complete maddess! What have I done? Nothing. Nothing at all and I am not enjoying it.
Goodbye October, see you next year. Hello again November, it is so nice to see you again. Would you be so kind to show me the most beautiful autumnal foliage in colours that could not even be created again, not even through a talented artists brush and maybe just that could tempt me out with my set of keys in hand, shoes on the right feet and I could take a long walk and come back with the crisp air on my clothes, mud on my shoes and the once normal feeling in my heart and my soul could feel light once again. I might even give you a smile on my face, lips curled upwards and maybe even a slight glow in my cheeks to show the sincerity of this rarity.