Tuesday, 1 November 2011

The Sincere Avoidance of a Smile. A frown is always much easier these days.

I started to attempt to write a post yesterday afternoon about avoidance. Well, I soon avoided that subject so let me try this again. Oh, wait -- hold on a moment, the washing machine has just stopped and I need to hang up the sheets to dry. You would understand, wont you? I mean, it is a dry day, slightly cold but it is dry and the air is crisp and the bed sheets would smell lovely if I could just put them out for a few hours.

...No no, I am not avoiding this post. Not in the slightest!

I always feel a relief when I can avoid something that I can't face. Whether it is the colour red or an odd number but it is never long until I feel disgusted and angry with myself for avoiding these and many other things. If I stopped avoiding them and just got on with it I would of course feel distressed and anxious and no doubt I will have a panic attack or two! Eventually I will calm down and maybe not avoiding these things for a second time around would come a bit easier? No.. not in my experience but that is only because I am so quick to give up and refuse to try again until the desperation kicks in! I really am left here alone in this flat day in and day out as if I am locked up with no escape. The keys are missing and I am having a constant confrontation with my own self to where we left them last! Instead of looking for a way out I give up before I even start. I find myself in another world of my own kind, in my mind. Almost like a third mind. Staring into space with the complete numbness of the silence around me with nowhere to go and nowhere to be. I have hardly persuaded myself to leave the house lately. I am throwing my hands up in the air, this is complete maddess! What have I done? Nothing. Nothing at all and I am not enjoying it.

Goodbye October, see you next year. Hello again November, it is so nice to see you again. Would you be so kind to show me the most beautiful autumnal foliage in colours that could not even be created again, not even through a talented artists brush and maybe just that could tempt me out with my set of keys in hand, shoes on the right feet and I could take a long walk and come back with the crisp air on my clothes, mud on my shoes and the once normal feeling in my heart and my soul could feel light once again. I might even give you a smile on my face, lips curled upwards and maybe even a slight glow in my cheeks to show the sincerity of this rarity.


  1. I am sorry you are feeling like this. I also retreat into avoidance and depression for periods of time and live in my mind. I don't know what else to say except, I get it and nothing lasts forever... including avoidance.

  2. I completely understand what you're saying. I'm the kind who either does something immediately to get it over with, or in cases of things that are more emotionally difficult, put them off and put them off and put them off until I give up altogether. I absolutely struggle with this constantly. Know that it's not just you. You may feel alone in your flat and your mind, but you are not alone in this situation.

  3. I don't know if I can say that it is nice to know that you both get it.. I want to say it but I feel guilty for thinking it. It is a horible feeling and I just wouldn't wish it on anyone. I just hope that I am out of this funk soon and then my posts could maybe be brighter and more uplifting! It really is just depressing dribble at the moment!

  4. Aw :-( I always enjoy your posts and just so you know, I never "evaluate" them as uplifing or depressing. I like your personality and what you have to say. I think if we lived in the same time zone, we could be real life friends instead of just friends in cyber space :-)

    I am just now coming out of a funk I've been in for weeks (depression and avoidance etc.) but now I'm going to the other end of the spectrum and just getting super nervous about everything. Perhaps, this is more due to a medication adjustment and addition than anything.


  5. Hello Maggie,

    I don't actually have depression but sometimes I do feel a little down for no reason. Here are some things that I do that help me and might be able to help you too:

    * Keep the house lights on during the day as I believe that even slight grey shadows can give the room a depressive, heavy atmosphere that may subconsciously affect your mood;

    * Try to get out for a walk at least once a day as fresh air does wonders for a person and the exercise releases feel-good chemicals (plus I agree with you that autumn (fall) is a beautiful time of year!);

    * Try to engage in social activities as company is a key ingredient to human nature, whether it be voluntary work, paid work, visiting friends/relatives or simply enjoying a book and a drink in a busy cafe.

    I see on your profile that you are in the U.K. - I recomemnd a website for depression and anxiety that the N.H.S. advise people to use that I also think is pretty good (sorry if you know of it already)!

    www.llttf.com (Living Life to the Full)

    I hope that it is helpful to you!

  6. Elizabeth, despite the time difference online friends is do-able :)

    Thank you OCD Anonymous for the tips!


Note: only a member of this blog may post a comment.