Two nights ago I was feeling more tired than usual. This viral infection really has got me down, mentally and physically! When I called it an early night I was in bed for no more than 20 minutes when I started to noticed patches of tiny bumps all over my legs, chest and arms. I could not stop scratching and I have to say, it felt like I had chickenpox's and that thought soon crossed my mind but somehow I was logical! I had chickenpox's at the age of 13 and it is very uncommon to have them a second time around.
At first I attempted to think nothing of it and try to just sleep. I felt exhausted but I just could not drift off so then eventually I called Nick through and asked him to have a look at me. We both had the idea that this was something that I would have to go to the hospital for and that put me into a panic before the words left his mouth. Instead to try to find out what the problem was and if it was serious enough to go to the hospital we phoned the NHS24 helpline and after about 15 minutes of speaking to some very nice and helpful ladies I was asked if I could try to get myself to the hospital that night but if I could not get myself out of the house to phone them again. I did get out of the house and surprisingly for a Friday night this hospital itself was quiet! I must have waited 20 minutes and not a moment longer!
The doctor was a male and normally .. and this may sound odd, but I do get more frightened having to talk to men than I do women. He was lovely though, very kind and understanding. He cleaned off his stethoscope before using it and when I started to cry and apologized profusely for asking him to do such ridiculous things but it was just because I could not fight it he then quickly told me that I didn't need to apologize and it wasn't a problem and he has actually had many other OCD sufferers in his office before and he understands just how crippling the illness can become if it is left untreated.
I was never rushed out of the office. I was checked over and given a prescription for some pills, cream and lotion to help keep my skin from getting dried out from the cream. The doctor also spoke to me about my previous treatment and asked if anything was being done for me at the moment and if I wanted to try CBT again. I explained how put off I had been with the last two therapists and the approach and he agreed with me that I was being flooded and clearly it has put me in a worse state now that I have been left to my own devices, especially after I was given another therapist who would only see me 4 times before she went onto maternity leave.
Despite the bad experiences with the therapists I am still going to try the CBT again. I need to for my own well being. I am just not strong enough to bring myself to it just yet but I hope to get there eventually. As for the visit to the hospital it went much better than the images in my mind. I was so worried that I would be poked and prodded with needles and made to stay in over night I was worked up into a panic attack. When the doctor told me that if the rash doesn't start to go down then he would like me to come back in for tests I just broke down in tears. I looked a right state! But I understood the importance of it and the doctor had more than his weight in gold of patience!
I am still a bit itchy, I broke out in a rash on my wrist earlier tonight after Sunday night dinner at the inlaws. I am home now and able to relax. Well.. only for a short time because I must put the sheets on the bed and the clean laundry away and then be up for 6am to pop into my work place to have a word with the assistant manager before anyone else comes in. I don't mean it in a harsh way towards anyone that I work with, or had worked with but I just cannot bare to see anyone just now and seeing the assistant manager is a bit of a struggle. I have not seen him in over 6 months and I have spent the last 6 weeks trying to get out of the house to visit him.
I would also like to try to go down to the inlaws .. I have a pile of books from the closet from Nicks great grandfather! There are so many old books in there and I would just love to borrow them! My kindle now has over 160 titles on it and that does not include the reading list from the book case and now a new list of books to be on the look out for if I can manage a trip to the library! I am in heaven! Heaven!