Tuesday, 4 December 2012

This reflection isn't so bad after all. I think.

These last few months have been hectic with all that has been going on and more so in my mind than going out and doing 'stuff' that I should be doing.

It has all been one big reflection and realisation, almost like an eureka moment that I have been waiting and waiting for and the moment I had it was when I went out looking for it and pressured it with my questions. Alright, so that eureka moment was in my head all along.

I have this big goal written out, its set and it is going to get there but only by taking it as it comes each day (even though I am a control freak and will struggle if anything changes, that I will have to change too, well, to keep me sane-r)

I have ignored my blog, mainly having nothing positive to say and without making any visible progress, how could I write anything that wouldn't be me venting. I understand that it is alright and healthy to vent but I don't think that it is healthy and alright for the people around me if I am always venting. I need to vent to myself and ask myself some pretty tough questions and well, I have asked them and I think that I got some answers. They may not be solid answers but its more than what I have had in years.

I know what I want and I think that I know how to work my way into that life I spent all of my living life dreaming of achieving. I think that my blog has a chance to turn around completely with an actual progress. Its going to be a pretty uncomfortable few weeks and my anxiety is going to fight me on everything and I am not prepared for it at all .. I think I will only be prepared for what my anxiety and ocd together can throw at me once I have endured a few weeks of tiring exposure. Oh, and I have a doctors appointment on Friday coming and then another appointment but this time with my psychotherapist next week and I am attempting the appointment without my husband coming along.

Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Goal! No, no I am not playing sports. I am being realistic for once.

There has been days that have gone past without me even having the chance to live them how I would have liked to. Not that I am being a whine arse but I am just left sitting here thinking to myself 'Why am I letting this happen?'

Shouldn't we cherish each day instead of moping around with thoughts of harm and sometimes suicide. I am sure that life wouldn't be at all dull without the added negativity.

I am somewhat down more so these last few days after my regular doctors appointment. I thought that I was ready to go back to work after the new year but the professionals are doubting it. I went through trying to accept it and then I became very upset and then very angry and now, well, now I feel numb. How can I visit my blog as often as I once had whenever I cannot even do something new and exciting that I would feel happy to write about and share.

I have been thinking a lot about where I am in life and where I would have liked to have been by now and how I plan on getting there eventually. I think a possible career change is something that I need, besides, I truly hated my job at the cafe since day one. Stressful, tiring, having to pick up everyone elses slack and listening to customer complaints and colleague's talking behind each others back while smiling at each other and chatting away as if everything is just honky dory. This job is going nowhere and it was only a temporary thing that became a bit more permanent than I would have liked. So on a brighter note as I finish typing out these thoughts, I think that my recovery plan should include a career plan, how else can I start a family someday if I cannot even take care of myself, let alone be the kind of mother that I would love to be. Yes, I think this is called 'baby fever' and I have got it terribly these days. I never thought that I would but I do, but it doesn't mean that I am just going to rush about to get pregnant, no no, I need to take care of me first before I can take care of a little one.

Goals to achieve the things I want in the future,

-Get my driving licence

-Go back to work - full time - in a job that I want and love and will at least have the opportunity to further my career.

-Go to night school and finish what I started 7 years ago.

-Go out at least once a week into the busy city centre on my own, terrifying now but maybe I can enjoy it through time.

-Go back to routine exercise, shed the added weight and tone up, I need a healthy body as well as a healthy mind to start a family.

I think now my blog and life has slowly turned a corner and now I can keep up with my goals, or well, at least try my hardest to keep up with these goals. I want at least 5 years from now to achieve what I want before starting a family, it is just now in my life that I am desperate to be a mum.

Friday, 19 October 2012

Hectic Hectic Hectic

From the title it would be alright to assume that things have been rather hectic lately!

I have not been online all that much over the last month and even less during the last few weeks. Sadly we have had a death in the family and it has been extremely difficult to come to terms with and coping is just not what I am capable of.

She was my husbands grandmother but she was very much a grandmother to me, infact, she was more of a grandmother to me than my own blood related grandmother and I just cannot describe just how much I adored this woman. I don't always get around to showing my feelings, my soft side especially. I hide away every emotion that makes me feel vulnerable and I can only regret not being able to just show my love and admiration towards her.

I have been out from morning until late night, mostly at my inlaws and somehow I have stayed somewhat calm but that could just be from keeping myself busy in the kitchen cooking and cleaning and not settling down for long to sit and think about anything. I know how badly I need to keep getting out of the house but I just hate that it took this crisis to get me out of the house.

I learnt today that life is too short, no matter how old you live up until .. it is never enough time.

Tuesday, 28 August 2012

14 Days in a Row! Yep! I did it :)

Alright, I remember you, Blog, and you better remember me. Please don't have abandonment issues after  my up and leaving without a sign or a word of return.


I am somewhat in a non foul mood these days. Nick had been off for his two weeks holidays and I had 14 days in a row oot and aboot and on the 15th day the sinus infection had slowed me right down to a halt -who goes there-

14 days in a row was a wonderful thing and today is not so wonderful with it being back to on my own with the voices but on a somewhat bright side I am just dying to get outside today. I have felt this urge to just go out for a walk since this morning when my lungs were being coughed up but instead I had a rest and then got up and washed myself and the house and here I am still feeling this need to get out and it is bloody WONDERFUL!

I don't know how long it will last for but I will for sure take advantage of it, especially with Autumn arriving and making coffee taste better than ever and knitted sweaters cosier than ever. I think that I will throw my hair up into something that wont get blown about everywhere and grab the camera and get out of here and meet the hubby from the station, he would be rather surprised to see me standing at the platform :)

You know that feeling, when the depression lifts? That is what it feels like and I know it comes and goes and for that I just cannot not take advantage of it. I expect that soon the black dog will be back, I wish that it was possible to lock the beast out and let it find another to torture!

Monday, 9 July 2012

I'm Here, I'm Mad, Get used to it - I have.

You may think that the lack of posts on my part would be a great thing, a terrific thing, 'ah, her OCD has not been giving her anything to write about!'

Well, I am afraid that isn't so and the OCD still follows me everywhere I go and it taunts the heck out of me at every opportunity, which is every minute of each and every day and no it does not take any days off, not even the holidays.

I think more or less the way I can sum up how I feel since my last post - totally bummed out man-
God, the grief is endless, oh the sorrows, the pain, the agony that is in my head! Get out! Get out! Get the hell out of here! and when I begin to shout at my mind I wonder if it is really the neighbours hitting the wall as in to tell me to keep it down or would it be my OCD hitting the wall just for kicks?

Meh, either way - Happy Monday!

I think this is where my posts ends for today. I wanted to let you all know that I am still here and I still have all 10 of my fingers - They have not fallen off or gone awol. I am still here and still mad as a hatter - which in all fairness keeps each and every day new, fresh and exciting. If I could sell OCD I could market the hell out of it!

Ah, humour, you have not left me after all.

Monday, 11 June 2012

Hello Psychologist - How am I today? You tell me ..

So I seem to be back in my old ways once again, well sort of, and by back I mean I never left.

I had an appointment with a new psychologist just last Friday. Not sure exactly how well it went or if it went well at all. Not too crazy on the idea of seeing another psychologist, at this point I am far too wary of this people and even more so when she suggested that I should have my dose of fluoextine increased. Bah humbug! I don't even want to be on this medication in the first place and that is just what I said but as always they try to push around the subject and in the end they all seem to think drugs is the answer to all, well if that is the case then just give me the fun drugs instead of this boring pill form.

Ah, who am I kidding, even then I would refuse to put anything else into my body other than the many daily cups of tea and a couple of meals each day.

I can live with the crazy symptoms of OCD and I will just need to and I understand that and that there is no actual way around it and even with the help of CBT all I will do in the long run is piss off Mr OCD into giving me panic attacks each and every time I jab it with a stick and tell it No!

What I want more than anything is to just leave the house and be okay with it. I don't care anymore about the hand washing and the checking and the rest of the mundane bull. I just want outside! So then I wonder why is it they all insist on the medication and the CBT. Just strap me onto the back of a bus and drive it away.

I don't know if I am just past caring and if I seemed just that way during the appointment. More than once I left Ms Therapist speechless and the man sitting in on the appointment dumbfounded, or at least looking that way when I glanced over after answering her majs questions. Okay, now I am just getting a little too sarcastic for my own good but how can I help it when they all ask me what I want out of this and all that I can do is shrug my shoulders and tell them that I didn't come here out of my own choice or even ask to and that it was my gp that contacted them out of legal obligation.

Maybe I am just unlucky when it comes to meeting psychologists or maybe they are just unlucky when it comes to them meeting me.

Monday, 14 May 2012

A Year - A Whole Year Indeed!

Well, here I am a year later! I mean, having this blog for a whole year .. not that I have been away for a year, that would just be silly and odd considering all of my posts in the last year.

I started this blog last May and I have to say that I am glad that I did.

I wanted to go through my years worth of posts to see how I have managed during the year where I started to openly talk and write about my issues with my own mental health and I have to say, it you are reading this and wondering if you should maybe do the same, DO IT!

The bad days I am learning from and the good days that are in print are a relief to read during the days where you forget that you have even had such luck to have had even just one day of goodness!

At the moment I am terrible with my blog, I feel like I am being stretched like a stretch armstrong doll! Oh how I love those but I hate feeling like I should be everywhere at once and not even being in any of those places that I should and want to be and yes yes I know I know its silly, I try to tell myself to just calm down and one step, one stretch and one day at a time but somehow in my ill ridden mind it is a 'go go go' with no no no energy!

Most days everything but the housework is neglected and other days the housework is done and fresh bread is gracing the oven and I have even wrote a thousand or two thousand words towards this hopefully could be a great story, not that the word count matters so as long the story is a good one but I am pretty happy with myself for the effort that I am putting into this not to mention being able to put my worst thoughts on paper or computer screen and let a made up character do it all for me instead ... but sometimes I just cannot write certain things or I have to delete rows and rows of things out of fear of well, you know .. oh I just can't even finish saying that thought.


Another thousandish words on word and an update on my blog, I think it is time to get ready for bed, its almost 11pm, eek! That is getting late for me and I have to keep a routine even though I badly want to stay up until 4am to write away .. but I know that wouldn't be fair on my husband, having the entire bed to himself .. having to stretch out and not have any blankets stolen during the night!

To all of my readers, thank you for being so lovely and supportive xx