Tuesday, 18 October 2011

The Escape Route Is In The Words In The Pages Of My Latest Read - How else do I escape the world where OCD exists?

The last few mornings I have grudgingly pulled myself away from the cosy bed covers and quickly pulled on my fuzzy bathrobe and slippers. The air is getting cold and fast!

Motivation to do anything especially while being under the early influence of Fluoxetine with its horrible toll it has taken on me *Damn you side effects! Damn you! You make me dizzy, you give me headaches, or was that from me walking into the door last night on my trip to the bathroom?*

They should market these pills as an effective diet pill of all things. I have lost my binging rights and my real hunger for food. Ignore me in the same way that my real mind does. Believe me for it is much better that way!

Anyways. The side effects have been relentless. I try to get up to do something -- anything but I soon find myself sat back down waiting for the opportunity to present itself when I can lift myself off of the couch and get back to dusting and the other mundane but important to my ocd tasks of the day.

I did find the motivation this morning to do the task of rearranging the bookcase. No motivation was actually needed because I can often be found in front of it with stacks of books all around me and a notepad, to write down any titles I forgot that I had. Somehow I rearranged it with room for at least another 15 maybe even 20 books to fit in. Okay, that might just be a really bad calculation paired with excitement and I am likely to find that I can only fit another 10 titles in there before it becomes crammed. Will I find that out after my excitement fades or when I find myself with 20 new books to add and where I am left with half with nowhere to go.

Hoarding books is excessive - possibly. Rearranging the book case - excessively - yes - constantly.

On a high note today, I am pleased with my latest purchase of Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. I am in love with the price tag of £1 and I am looking forward to reading it but only after I have finished The Diary of a Young Girl and then I may attempt my second hand copy of Claudius the God and His Wife Messalina by Robert Graves. I am really looking forward to it after I finished I, Claudius but it may be on the back burner if I can't bring myself to pick it up and open the pages. I am tempted to buy some latex gloves but then I read that they become porous after 20 minutes of wear. I know that I would be better off to face the fear but it is crippling me. It is a goal, let us finish at that!

The fruits of my labour. Don't be fooled, there is
a second row of books behind each shelf!

If only I could lay in bed and read for the day
-- But I would only fall asleep despite how
much I am enjoying the book!


  1. I am so sorry you are having bad side effects. I remember not being hungry the first few weeks when I started the Lexapro but I never felt as sick as you do. So sorry to hear that :-(

    Your book shelf looks much like mine-- two layers of books and they are stacked sideways as well as standing up on their spines-- just whatever works at a given time given the inventory.

  2. It really is an addiction, isn't it :)

  3. i recently went to the library, but i was planning on wearing latex gloves to read the books and i didnt think anyone else would do this because i have ocd and i thought other people would think i was weird, glad to know im no the only one that came up with that idea. in the end i just got a book that only 2 or 3 people had borrowed and washed by hands after each time i read a bit :)

  4. I think that it is still a pretty weird thing to do, in all fairness. Not everyone would understand the ocd side of it but even when doing things that I feel forced to do because of the illness itself I feel very odd and weird and every other unpleasant feeling.

    I know that it is hard to do things, like reading that book and even harder to do without washing your hands afterwards, but wouldn't it be so nice to go to the library and not only take out a book but not mind how many others have had it before your time with it, and then to be able to sit and read without it in the back of your mind that you will need to wash again and again?

    I am not proud of myself in any way that I avoid these things, of all things they make me feel much much worse at the end of the day. However! it is a good feeling when you manage something that you didn't think you could. I would like to think that we are all strong enough deep down somewhere inside of us that we can just say no to these silly things that are supposedly keeping us 'safe'


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