Tuesday, 4 October 2011

The Sludge is Very Hard to Wash Out of My Hair!

Before I upload the next set of photos I wanted to take some time to write.

I know that compared to how much I usually write, the month of September looks appalling! As much as I enjoy writing I just could not face writing much of what I have been going through. I didn't have writers block. When it comes to writing about a life with OCD writers block is impossible to have. Time can be impossible to find some days but writers block is just non existent in the world of my OCD.

I have been in an awful place over the last few weeks. I have gone back to feeling even less myself than usual. Like a dark cloud stalking me over head and when it rained it poured and what it poured felt like sludge seeping into my mind and I just become unable to think for myself. As if someone else is doing all of the thinking and I am the string puppet in the most depressing puppet theatre show in the history of puppet theatre! Instead of being beaten with a wooden stick I am being beaten with my OCD and it feels like it is winning. Always one step in front of me. Its behind the curtain! No, wait! It is behind me! Now its on the other side of the stage! I really just cannot get away from it. My mind generally doesn't feel like my own and no matter what I do or try to do I just can't. I end up doing everything that I don't want to do and when I want to just simply sit down and read I feel guilt for trying to take care of me.

I have decided to try the medication. I plan on getting my prescription filled and start taking them tonight. My fears of medication may be irrational but it is even more irrational to live like this. This is not living, not even in the slightest. I want to live but I don't want to live off of a happy pill. You know that saying, damned if you do, damned if you don't. That is exactly what it feels like BUT I could very well not be overall damned if I do. I just need to give it a try and then wait and see where this goes.


  1. Hi Maggie, I too am in a similar situation that you are. My OCD has reared it's ugl head again, and I think I am going to try to medication also. I have an appointment on Thursday and then I'll go from there. I hope it helps you cope as I am hoping the same for me. I agree when you said, that it is even more irrational than living like this, the fears we have that make us feel like something other than ourselves. Best of luck, I'm looking forward to reading your posts-post medication. I'll be posting about my journey with them as well, we can be a support system for eachother!


  2. Hi Maggie,

    I have been there many times.. you know, "the string puppet in the most depressing puppet theatre show." It sucks. It really does. I feel your pain.

    I hope medication helps you.

    I will tell you one thing though... in my experience my meds are not happy pills. They are "help me move the thoughts along pills." I still feel depressed, sad, happy, silly-- everything I used to feel. The only difference is that instead of an OCD episode knocking me out for a few weeks, I only suffer for a few days and I can handle and identify the symptoms better to help myself more during those few days.


    P.S. I am getting ready to read your new pages and can't wait to see what books you like!

  3. Okay... I've got to comment on your about me page:

    I am also a vegetarian and I also believe it is a personal choice and I also believe that all the vegetarians who preach are ANNOYING. I am a vegetarian because that is how I was raised. My Dad is from India and he was raised a vegeteraian, my Mom converted and we were all raised the same. I've had meat a few times but it has made me very ill-- my innards can take it I guess.

    I am also the baby of my family and have been called that my whole life.

    I agree with everything you say about OCD, mental illness and the stigma etc.

    I work in a library and it is a dream. I have had other jobs but a library is perfect for me. I can't imagine working anywhere else at this point. I love to go hide out in the stacks and read :-) And I completely agree with you about books and paper. I have never been able to read an e-book, for it just feels un-natural.

    Like you, I love nature and getting away from the city.

    I'm glad to learn more about you from your About Me page!

    I've been to Canada a few times (my Grandparent's used to live in Michigan about 30min from the bridge/ tunnel to Canada) and I love how quiet and clean Canada is.


  4. Lolly, I hope that your appointment goes well for you. The medication feels a bit daunting, not as scary as it once was. I have my prescription filled and that is a step forward, something that has taken the last 6 months to manage.

    Elizabeth, I much prefer you perspective on the medication "help me move the thoughts along pills." . I am going to use that for my own way of thinking for now on, it is a nicer way to look at it compared to the happy pill comments that I have made over the last 6 months. So as I take my first pill tonight, I will hold up the glass of water *here is to good mental health!*

  5. Elizabeth, it is funny how much two people who have never met face to face can have in common!

    I love being able to read an 'about me' page on a blog, it's nice to learn something about the person behind the blog.

    I grew up in Ontario, and in a small town about an hour away from Ottawa.

    I envy you for the job you have, I envy anyone who works in such an amazing place! I don't think that I would ever get any work done though and I would end up borrowing every book in the place!

  6. Hello Maggie,

    I know where you are coming from when OCD overwhelms you and is relentless - I have been completely dominated by it for the last six months but have finally taken steps to seeking help.

    I turned to OCD-UK for guidance and it helped me admit my OCD to my loved ones - I feel much stronger now and finally on the path to therapy and positive action.

    I have discovered that blog writing is an amazing outlet for sharing experiences and community support so I am so happy to meet people like you, and others like us, so we know that we are not alone.

    Best wishes.


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