Before I upload the next set of photos I wanted to take some time to write.
I know that compared to how much I usually write, the month of September looks appalling! As much as I enjoy writing I just could not face writing much of what I have been going through. I didn't have writers block. When it comes to writing about a life with OCD writers block is impossible to have. Time can be impossible to find some days but writers block is just non existent in the world of my OCD.
I have been in an awful place over the last few weeks. I have gone back to feeling even less myself than usual. Like a dark cloud stalking me over head and when it rained it poured and what it poured felt like sludge seeping into my mind and I just become unable to think for myself. As if someone else is doing all of the thinking and I am the string puppet in the most depressing puppet theatre show in the history of puppet theatre! Instead of being beaten with a wooden stick I am being beaten with my OCD and it feels like it is winning. Always one step in front of me. Its behind the curtain! No, wait! It is behind me! Now its on the other side of the stage! I really just cannot get away from it. My mind generally doesn't feel like my own and no matter what I do or try to do I just can't. I end up doing everything that I don't want to do and when I want to just simply sit down and read I feel guilt for trying to take care of me.
I have decided to try the medication. I plan on getting my prescription filled and start taking them tonight. My fears of medication may be irrational but it is even more irrational to live like this. This is not living, not even in the slightest. I want to live but I don't want to live off of a happy pill. You know that saying, damned if you do, damned if you don't. That is exactly what it feels like BUT I could very well not be overall damned if I do. I just need to give it a try and then wait and see where this goes.