Thursday, 6 October 2011

Hello Fluoxetine, My Name is Margaret - Can we be friends?

Last night after my usual bedtime routine I sat down on my side of the bed. Glass of water on my night table and the box of 30 capsules. Slowly I took one of the pills out of the packet and even though it took me a few minutes of staring at the red and yellow capsule and thinking to myself 'is this really what I want to do?' I did it. I just did it, I had to do it. My OCD is relentless and it has given me no other choice. I am not longer going to look at the medication as a 'happy pill'

With nothing but my thankfulness to another blogger for her kind words, her view of the medication and I quote off of the comments page
''I will tell you one thing though... in my experience my meds are not happy pills. They are "help me move the thoughts along pills." I still feel depressed, sad, happy, silly-- everything I used to feel. The only difference is that instead of an OCD episode knocking me out for a few weeks, I only suffer for a few days and I can handle and identify the symptoms better to help myself more during those few days''

I don't think anyone has said anything as frank as this about the pills. It gave me a different way to look at them and without it I don't know how much longer it would have taken me to get there. I don't care what my past therapists think when it comes to their disapproval of OCD sufferers speaking to each other, without those other sufferers I would be in a much worse place then I already am. No one knows your OCD like another sufferer.

So here I am, glass held up with another pill to take tonight ''here is to good mental health and a way forward'' It is all gradual steps and this is one step that was gradually taken but better late then never. I am in no hurry to get back into treatment. I want to try this approach with the medication first and to at least find a way to help myself before I ask others to help me. Treatment is hard. I wouldn't put anyone off of going for treatment but I think that I just wasn't strong enough to cope with the demands but when I am strong enough to cope with the demands of treatment then I can see it being successful. Until then, I have a book called 'Brain Lock' by Jeffrey M. Schwartz that may be helpful. It is also a second hand copy and that alone is something that I have trouble handling and breathing once I open the pages are not only difficulty from a panic attack but I become too frightened to breathe in case I breathe in the germs off of the pages. I have not been to a library in over 2 years. 2 years of books that I could have borrowed wasted. I would have had to move on to another library to get my fix.


  1. Dear Maggie,

    I am glad my words helped you.

    Your doctor probably already told you this but it can take 2-4 weeks before the medication gets built up in your system and you notice a significant improvement. I began noticing improvements right away with my Lexapro but didn't notice the greatest improvement for about a month and then after that, my doctor slowly increased it to get to the theraputic dosage for OCD.

    Best wishes with the medication.

    I hope you start a forum :-)


  2. Oh... and Brain Lock is a wonderful book. I wrote about how important it has been to me here:

  3. So far the only thing that I have noticed since starting the medication is I have not slept so well. I get about 4 hours then I am awake. Tired, cranky but awake and I just can't get back to sleep. My mind races and I ended up doing maths in my head last night for no reason at all! I hate math too.

    I will still keep taking the medication but I much prefer only waking up 7, 8 or 9 times a night instead of waking up once and never falling back to sleep. I just need to see how this goes.

  4. Yes, I agree with you about the insomnia. I also prefer mine to be where I wake up lots rather than wake up way too early and be up for good.

    Hmmm, I hope the insomnia gets better for you.

    I know there are several SSRI meds out there for OCD and different people have different experiences with them all. Maybe this med will prove to not be the one that works best for you.

    I guess only time will tell.

  5. I think that the best way to determine if this is the right one is to speak to the doc about it weekly. I will give it my best try and I will write down the extent of the insomnia, when I wake up and how long am I awake for sort of thing. The odd part is 2 days with no more than 8 hours of sleep all together and I hardly feel tired at all, my mind is just constantly go go go.


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