Thursday, 8 March 2012

The Long Awaited Appointment With Honesty.

It is surprising how much a rant and cry can help and not to mention all of the support that I have had from everyone around me. It felt good to let out the frustration and even after the sick to my stomach feeling for it slowly faded away I actually feel exhilarated and on the path to some sort of idyllic freedom. I don't even think that I am over exaggerating this and after my morning migraine I am feeling quite productive even if I have only managed to wash the kitchen sink and put on a load of laundry to wash. I plan to do more and I wont get ahead of myself here, baby steps all of the way. If I tire myself out then I will surely fall into the trap once again; lots of energy to no energy at all followed by even worse feelings of self loathing and god knows what else.

I spoke to my GP and it went well. I was open and honest about so much and it was utterly terrifying and I had the feeling as if I had just jumped out of a plane, climbed a mountain and swam across the River Thames. Meaning, it felt good but extremely tiring and it would explain why I fell asleep on the couch slumped over with a book in my hand and the cat on my lap for several hours once I arrived home safe and had a cup of coffee which had done me no good at all in staying awake!

Whenever I spoke to my GP I told her exactly how I felt, how I felt she betrayed me during my last visit when I first spoke about the hallucinations and the threatening voices and how she replied that she had to speak to someone about this to refer me to the right help. It was her duty to. She looked gutted when I told her how I lost the trust in her and how sick I felt once I realised that I just opened up about what was really going on over 3 weeks ago and how I didn't even book my weekly appointment last week because I could not trust her. I quickly told her that I understand now why she has to do what she had to do and I am not angry with her anymore and if anything I understand one moment why but sometimes it quickly changes back to betrayal and I don't like it because I really do feel that she is a professional that I can trust.

My GP was more than comforting and even though I was in her office for nearly a half an hour I at no point felt rushed and I didn't have to leave until I felt like I was ready to exit her office.

She told me that she didn't feel that my hallucinations were something new and she was waiting for me to open up and now that I have we can look into the right therapy and the right therapy will be the right help but I must try my best to be honest about everything even if I get scared. Even though while I just about poured my worst thoughts and actions out to her she couldn't help her facial expressions. The woman looked shocked and I don't blame her but I must admit, her shocked expression made me realise that these thoughts and actions are not right nor are they normal. I suppose that the road to recovery really is a long one .. I just hope that while I walk, jog, run, and hobble down this road there will always be people standing along side it with cups of water handed out in my direction!

9 comments:

  1. Opening up about things can be exhilarating and exhausting. You are so right about that! I'm so proud of you. I know how hard it must have been. It is such a HUGE thing, such a HUGE step. I'm glad that you were able to take it and hope that you will now get the appropriate therapy that you need, that will help you. Remember, no matter what, you have so many people who love and support you and will be here for you no matter what. You will definitely find me standing along that road handing you whatever you need. XOXO

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  2. I'm glad that things went well with the GP. I know how it can be scary to reveal one's problems for the first time. But some peace can come from knowing that you are going to get the help you need. You are very brave to start this part of the journey. I am standing by the road holding out a cup to you!

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  3. Hi Maggie. Think of this as a cup of water. : )

    I'm glad you're appointment went well. It is so hard to be honest about difficult things. Good for you. It is a big step on the road to recovery!

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  4. I will always be on the side of the road to give you a cup of water, my dear :-)

    I am so darn proud of you! You are so brave and you are stronger then you know.

    I am actually crying as I type this because you are just so awesome and what else can I say?

    Gotta go clean myself up before I face the students at the reference desk :-)

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  5. I love this background, don't you! I put it on my snowflakes and stardust blog a few days ago! I am in love it with! It looks really pretty here on your blog :-)

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  6. Thank you all for all of the cups of water!

    Elizabeth, I hadn't realized that you changed your backround of Snowflakes and Stardust, Great minds really do think alike! :)

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    1. I'm glad you were able to talk more openly with your doctor and i hope that therapy will go much better this time! Hang in there, and yes, it was perfectly normal, after expending all that energy at the doctor's, to feel tired and need a nap. ((hugs))!

      Ps, i too, like your background!

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  7. It makes me smile with hope and appreciation that you were honest, your appointment was held professionally and you will be now headed in the 'right' direction as it was so put. Not that you were doing anything wrong prior. I'm glad I finally caught up on all your posts (although I am only commenting on this one).

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