I know more about ocd now then when I ignored that it was a problem and I know a lot more about what I want in life now that I have a problem getting there. Having ocd is like being in one of those hedge mazes but your not on your own because fear has become a friend. The friendship isn't a good one, no. In fact its not even a love hate relationship, it is purely a hate hate relationship. Any wrong turn in the maze could result in death and this is just strictly speaking of the fears and if you don't turn back to walk back into where you are trying to go ultimately you believe that something bad will happen. The levels of frustration could be viewed like a 3 dimensional world of its own. If I could view my ocd in its 3 dimension then maybe I could understand which way to escape the maze and I would run and run as fast as my short legs could take me to make the escape successful.
What would I do though once I escape? I don't think that I am the only one out there with the utopia dream of the life that could be had without the ocd. The ideas, the fantasy and the ultimate dreams of how I could live my life. Why can't I live it now? I am alive aren't I? I am alive but I feel dead, a zombie like creature doing the everyday tasks in set numbers with set words running through my mind like a broken record. I want some quiet but how do I get quiet. I know that I have a few ways to quiet my ever running so fast train of thoughts. Yoga is one of them and afterwards it feels like I have overdosed on an instant happy pill. Writing is another, Maybe it is my concentration or the pure enjoyment that I get out of putting words on paper or screen or when I imagine putting them on paper in my mind to save for later but it always ends up lost in the imaginary drawer where I hoard all of the good thoughts away. One other way is music, oh I love listening to music. I'm not even fussed over what I listen to some days but I love the days where I crave a specific artist and I can't feel at ease until I have the lyrics swimming through my mind and then I am in another world all together and it is lovely and peaceful and it's my own. My thoughts aren't allowed in when I have these 3 things to occupy my mind but I can feel them bashing at the door with screams of 'let us back in' or 'I am going to get you and make you pay for shutting us out' They become more horrible than that but what they say just isn't appropriate to write on paper, screen or even on an imaginary scrap of paper to store in my overcrowded desk drawer for later.
I think that once the problem ocd is acknowledged then recovery it inevitably ready to begin. It's a long road and I want to think that we all make it to the end of and although we wont receive a medal that you can hold we could actually hold our own mind, own it and listen to it when we want to have a think and not be forced to listen to thoughts that cause nothing but unease, anxiety and trouble. I would like to think that if I want those feelings then I will go visit my in laws and at least at that point I can make the choice to feel like those feelings and listen to words that upset me and at least by then those words aren't in my head, they are real just like that door and I can use it for my means of escape. To why I entered the door in the first place confuses me but it goes to show that we can't avoid nasty situations but it would be nice to get out of them and we can, can't we? The door is real so let's go out and get some fresh air.
I want freedom. In the country I grew up in and the country I moved to, they boast freedom. Freedom to live how you want, freedom to choose and freedom to have your say. Although how much the government listens is another matter but maybe for a moment I can compare my ocd to the government. Need I say more?
With a life filled to the brim of ocd my mind causing my brain fluid to spill out of my ears like the bathtub tap that has been left on and forgotten about while watching the newest episode of QI I can take some moments to enjoy it but I am left cleaning up the mess and sometimes I can't face the mess and the ones around me who love me are left with the horrendous task to clean up my disaster. I am going back to the idea of freedom because ocd took away every ounce of freedom I had and even though I didn't have much it took it away and spent years taking away the freedom that I deserved to have as I grew up. Well, I want it back. Please.