It is the end of the day here, coming onto 9pm and for me that is close enough to the end of the day because my bedtime is fast approaching, yes I know that it is a Friday night and I plan to be in bed before midnight. I have OCD and that also means I have no life to speak of at the moment, unless you want to come over and leave you shoes at the door and put on a clean pair of socks before you walk around in my home. Anyways. To think that this morning at this time this morning I was writing on here about how nervous I was about meeting this doctor and with every thought running through my mind I was convinced that it would be a horrible experience and I would be looking for a new doctor for a while. I think that it is typical of my OCD to make every thing seem worse than it is and looking back to this mornings appointment it wasn't horrible at all.
The doctor that I had the appointment with is an older one then my last doctor and she seems to be the 'get right in there and sort this out' She seemed very hands on and she was so helpful and very reassuring. I don't think that being reassured is the wrong thing to do when someone suffers from OCD. We are still people and if something is bothering us that is about our own well being, our treatment and the possibility of getting back on our feet then we should be reassured and told exactly where we stand instead of my therapists last part of the treatment where I didn't need to know - Says the woman who disapproved of support from other sufferers.
She let me take my time and she understood how difficult it was for me to talk about everything and the moment that she took out the pad of paper for a sick line I was quick to tell her that I didn't need another just now and that I just wanted to have this appointment to meet her and to hopefully carry on where I left off with the previous doctor. I had asked a few questions, if I am back into crises mode can I come in short notice and if I can't get out of the house can I be assured that she will return by call. She did assure me that on the days that she is in that she would ensure that I can come in short notice or have a call returned but the only problem is that she is only there 4 days a week.
I said to this doctor, that I didn't want to sound rude but I really need to know that I can be supported at the moment. Since I am not in treatment and I have been having intrusive thoughts about harm and suicide and that at times I am very suicidal and I don't have any professional to speak to when it becomes a crises. She then gave it a thought and suggested that I stick with her but she knew of another doctor in this practice that would be helpful for me to see or just to talk to if there were any days that she was not in.
It still makes me feel uncomfortable but I need to do this. I don't know how many changes I will have to go through with doctors so this is an experience and knowledge and I need this.
I also explained how I have not been in treatment in weeks. How the situation with my last therapist went sour. I had a hard time to explain what had happened but I suppose that is expected. She explained that treatment can be successful but I need to be given a therapist that understands OCD and the treatment involved and the therapist that I was seeing didn't sound like she knew her stuff, and she didn't.
I watched this doctor print up the information for the clinic that I will be going to again for treatment and stuck on a yellow post it with a note to chase them up on when I should be starting treatment and she also added to speak to this other doctor in the practice to let her know about me and in case I need to contact her.
I was also asked if I would like to try the medication approach. She explained that it wasn't a cure, it would take the edge off of it and make things easier and she also asked if I was still having trouble sleeping at night and I told her that I am waking up about 7 or 8 times a night. If I am in bed for 8 hours I only sleep for about 4 and that is a good night. I also brought up the severe pain I have been in from the damp weather. I suffer from fibromyalgia syndrome but I am unable to bring myself to take anything for the pain because of my fear of medication but also my new fear of overdosing.
It was suggested that I could have a small amount of medication at one time, but because I struggle to leave the house it would be unlikely that I would venture out for a refill. Also because of my number issue I felt embarrassed that if I had taken the medication that I would have to ask for it to be given in even numbers. I asked if it would be OK if I think about the medication and then decide. I have a lot of worries about it and I need to feel OK about it all first and that was OK with her. No rush and if I decide that I don't want the pills then that is perfectly fine and it isn't a problem, we are going to tackle this the best way that we can.
With the now severity that my OCD has taken my doctor assured me that she would push for me to get back into treatment. The last time I left the house on my own was my last doctors appointment with my previous doctor and that was on the 1st of this month. I went out a couple of days ago for a walk with my husband. We were out for 40 minutes at most.
I also explained how the previous doctor had me come in once a week to update and that I found that it was helpful so I am going to do just that but it will be a different day of the week that I go. My next appointment is on Wednesday. I am really pleased that I will be getting out that once a week to do this and hopefully it is a push that I need to maybe go for a little walk on my own or get something from the store that I need when I need it instead of relying on my husband to pick it up on his way home from work.
So, the outcome of it all. I feel much more relaxed with her but I am still just a bit nervous. Just a bit and I am worried that the days before the next appointment my OCD will turn this into a whole different scenario and I will be back to how I felt in the first place and then a bit worse than that.
I also had a phone call just before 5pm tonight. She had contacted the clinic to find out how much longer that it will be until I get in for treatment. Unfortunately I am 18th on the list and that is an estimated 10 weeks longer. It is really frustrating because I was assured that it wouldn't be long until I was seen to again but I have already been waiting several weeks as it is. It would actually take an attempt on my own life to be moved up on the list because what I am going through isn't severe enough.
Lets just see what happens. I can't change the 10 week wait but I can try to say no to these compulsions while I am waiting and if I say no then maybe I can also try to resist to check that door is still locked, the gas stove isn't on and that I did actually turn that bathroom tap off.