The only things that had tired me out was leaving the house for a few hours two days in a row. I know that can sound awfully sad but the reality is that I struggle to leave the house and quite often I only make it to the top of the street before I turn back and rush to my front door. I don't leave the house often and when I do it has to be planned and it can't be for long and I need to know that I can go home at any time, how long it should take to get home and that even if we go out I can turn back at any time.
I am worried that I actually do suffer from agoraphobia. It isn't one of those things that OCD had convinced me that I might have but when reading up on it, it just clicked. Maybe I should speak to my new doctor about it when I am in tomorrow for our second appointment.
Back to the lack of sleep last night. I tried so hard but I could not calm down. I was feeling anxious when I got into bed and I really didn't want the light off. Once the light was turned out I just kept thinking that I was seeing things and it was frightening. I ended up asking for the light to be put back on and when I started to feel a bit better I then asked if it could be turned off again. Then I heard the fridge creak and some other noise in the living room so I was convinced we were being burgled. The light was put back on and my husband had to go out and check, which I know that the reassurance isn't allowed but what do you do when your on the verge of a panic attack?
When my husband got back into the room and told me that everything was fine I was left wondering if he checked behind the doors, in case if there was someone out there they just hid and now when we turn off our light again we will be trapped in our room and shot or stabbed once we fall asleep.
The hall night light had to be turned on and I still could not sleep. Eventually I became so uncomfortable with that light on, in case a fire would start that it had to be turned off but I was too frightened to get out of bed to do it. So, in complete darkness I eventually started to nod off, only to begin shouting in my sleep, waking myself up 'no no no this isn't right, I'm really scared I'm really scared' By the time the light was switched back on I was having a panic attack.
So today, I am very tired and my head is very sore and my chest feels slightly bruised but there are no marks. My previous doctor suggested sleeping pills but I don't think they are the answer to this problem. Even though they would calm me down before I go to bed, if I have another bad dream I could be left in it and left in a worse state if I cannot wake up from it! I don't want to not wake up.
No idea what to do but I would like these kinds of nights to stop. I would do just about anything to make this all stop.
I can really identify with everything you said. Everything!
ReplyDeleteI only started taking OCD medications a year and a half ago. So, I lived 32 years medication free and I can tell you that nights like you're having (and I've had plenty) will eventually let up a bit merely because you will become so worn out that your body will eventually let you relax enough to go to sleep. I can't tell you when though-- without my meds, I can get like that for a week or two. It's all that adrenaline surging thru us anxious people.
As far as agoraphobia-- I've also dealt with that off and on since childhood. I've never been treated for it specifically but for me comes on when I'm having a lot of anxiety and or OCD induced depression. In fact, these last few weeks, I've been to the point where all I can do is go to work and come home-- anything else seems so overwhelming. I force myself to make plans with people to meet for coffee and such but then I dread the actual get together. I worry about it and resent myself for making plans. Then when I go-- I just can't wait to get back home.
So sorry you are going thru this,
Lady Delphinium
babysteppinit.blogspot.com