Saturday, 30 July 2011

Another letter from my work = back to the wanted unwanted thoughts

My life seems like it is nothing but a constant headache. I am tired of it all and I am going nowhere fast. It is only just after 2pm on what should be an attempt to a relaxing afternoon. I have my husband here but I also have my ocd and another letter from the manager in my work. The remains of another panic attack and the red eyes from another breakdown of tears. Within these few months I could have built a lake with all of these tears.

The letter is upsetting enough. Claims that the manager if my work has made in the letter stating that I said this and that when I had not said anything remotely close. Setting up another meeting for the 17th of August even though I simply asked for no meetings to be made and that I will come in when I feel able to cope with it. I attempted to phone the assistant manager and without any answer, I even attempted to phone the manager herself despite the sick feeling in my stomach and in the end I phoned this 'area manager' or what ever you want to call him. I will simply just call him a prick.

He refused to listen to anything that I said. He talked over me constantly and when I tried to say anything he told me that he would not be spoken to like that (like what exactly?) by a member of staff. I was threatened with a disciplinary for my apparent tone of voice used and I was told that I should not have phoned him on a weekend. He does not work weekends and then I was given an earful for that too. jeez..sorry. I would have thought that given that job as a manager with the pay increase you would be on call when needed when there is an urgent matter. I guess not.

The manager in my work is on holidays now. How nice to be told but apparently no one has an obligation to fill me in on anything even though I received this letter and the meeting is on the day of her return and at 9am. So how did she expect me to contact her about this meeting when she cannot be contacted until that day?

I am not only back to square one for the millionth time. The phone call only resulted in a disciplinary threat, me feeling even more worthless along with feeling like complete trash with being told more or less that I am lower than someone and the only thing that came out of it was cancelling the appointment made and having a side note of 'I will phone ahead of time to arrange a meeting when I feel up to it' The horrible phone call that lasted about 15 minutes could have lasted 2 if this man would have just listened to me.

I don't even think for a moment that he is going to put that side note in there, likely it will be something not so nice said about me. I just needed help and I didn't get it. I am far from getting any form of help from anyone. I am just another number in that company and on the waiting list to get back into treatment. I attempted to help myself but that didn't last long. I can think of other ways of helping myself and this time those aren't intrusive thoughts. They are real and wanted thoughts all over again and I know my GP left me strict instructions on who to contact if those thoughts started again but I would rather just ignore them and go fill that prescription that I was too scared to have filled over the week in case I overdosed. I feel like I should have had them here just in case I felt like it. I can't help but wonder if it actually takes me doing to deed for the people around me to understand the state I am actually in. I don't think they will ever just get it and I am sick of trying to get back on my feet and I am tired of constantly trying to only fail.


  1. OCD is enough without the stupid depression. I'm sorry you're feeling so low. You could have your husband or someone keep your medications and take only what is prescribed. I've felt like the only way to get help was to do (or threaten to do) something stupid, but I'm still hoping it isn't true. And, well, I don't want to make myself even more sick. Don't forget that asking for help can be the most courageous plan of action. I'm working up to convincing myself to call my counselor today even though I'm not scheduled to see her until Thursday. Good luck and God bless.

  2. Thanks so much for following my blog, it made me really happy. :)
    I'm sorry that you are feeling low at the moment. I'd encourage you to not be too scared to go and ask for help, because support does go a long way.
    Keep going, don't ever give up.


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