Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Plan A Plan B Plan C ...D E F G H I J K ....

I have plans to go out tonight. The plans were made months ago. They were made after my breakdown and they were made far enough away that I thought that I would have been back on my feet by the time it arrived. Tickets are bought and paid for and all that I can do is try. If I don't make it then I will be angry with myself and if I can only stay for part of the show then I will be happy that I at least gave it a try and in the best case scenario I stay for the full show I will be so proud of myself because it will be a great achievement, especially considering what the last few months have been like on top of the last week.

I have every thought running through my mind and still being unwell in every sense I am trying my hardest to get my courage up to get out there and make the attempt to enjoy the few hours that I will be out for.

I worry that I will bump into someone who knows my situation and they will comment and then gossip. Then everyone will assume that I am actually well and that there is nothing wrong with me. I know how inconsiderate and harsh some people can be and I know that some just like to talk to hear themselves. I wish that it didn't bother me but it does. I need to stop letting people get the better of me.

I am also very worried that being out will be too much for me and I will end up in a state of panic. BUT if that happens then I can just go home and everything will be OK.

I could pass out again and instead of being in the comfort of my own home I will be out and surrounded by strangers. They will likely assume that I am a drunk or a junkie and that passing out is my own doing and in some way it is from my own anxiety. If I pass out again then I will have to go back to the hospital. BUT if that happens then I will only receive the care that I need because if I have another incident then clearly I need a bit more help.

I don't know if I just ended up reassuring myself on all of the what ifs but I tried to think outside of the ocd box and it has made me feel slightly better on the idea of going out. The thoughts aren't going away but I think that I have a solution for my worst case scenarios.

1 comment:

  1. I hope you are feeling better soon. I can relate to worrying what other people will think if they see you out at a social event. I'm back at work now but I was off for almost 6 months. Hopefully tonight you will get a moment of peace from the thoughts going around and around in your head.


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