Sunday, 10 July 2011

I just can't sit still

It has been a while since I have updated anyone on my current situation and this is the part where I find it really really really really really really really really hard to stay positive while writing this and yes, I had to write that particular word 8 times and I wont say how many times I had to check that it was written 8 times.

I have been able to move around a bit more with just a little bit less dizziness and feeling nauseated is pretty much the same but I have been able to keep my meals down. I am finding myself eating at least two meals a day and sometimes 3 and sometimes some snacks. If my eating habits were a cause of concern before then by me eating more than my usual you would think that I would be feeling better but I am not.

I am attempting housework because I can't sit still. I feel worse while doing anything but I can't not do the housework. I hoovered the entire flat and it got to the point that I had to lay down afterwards. It took me hours to get it started and at least a half hour effort to get everywhere and everything.

I attempted to go out on Saturday. I made if halfway down my street and I started to feel dizzy. I got to the top of the street and felt dizzy and nauseated. We decided to sit down by the canal that is just seconds away from the top of our street, walking through a dodgy looking path for a few seconds to get there. My husband and I sat on a bench over looking the canal for about 10 minutes. We chatted away and I tried to breathe.

Sometimes I just seem to forget to breathe or I start to breathe short shallow breaths and then I get chest pains and then I have a full blown panic attack because I am convinced that I am having a heart attack. It is even worse when my lips and then face go numb. Apparently that is anxiety.

Anyways. While we sat down I started to feel slightly better but not by much. I really wanted to go down to the supermarket to get the weekly shop done. We decided to try walking along the canal path to get to where we wanted to go but after a few minutes I started to feel worse and the panic set in and I had to go home and I had to get there 10 minutes ago and my feet weren't moving fast enough to get me there. I started to feel like I felt when I was in the shower. Thankfully I made it home without any further incidents but it has definitely put a scare in me along with another fear. I am now terrified of passing out while I am out of the house.

I stayed in today and I felt just as bad as ever. My nerves are shot and I am not coping well. Every thought with every bit of stress is building up like jenga. One bit is taken out but my own failure with cbt and managing my stress knocked me over and I just can't get back up. I am desperately trying to pick up the pieces but I can't grasp any of it and the blocks are falling through my fingers and I feel like I can only look on in horror as every hope and dream I had comes falling down and crashing into a reality that I can't face.

One wrong thing said and my thoughts become even more irrational. Plans to have my mother in law over for a cup of tea with her mother today fell through because of one comment that my mother in law said over the phone to my husband last night. I only heard it because the volume on the phone is too loud. I went to bed last night in a complete rage over her comment. It brought up a past incident that happened almost 3 years ago and I still can't forgive my in laws and I can't find it in me to let it go. I become paranoid that she will try to get rid of me so I don't bring any shame on the family. Maybe her precious son can marry a nice girl who doesn't have any illnesses and they would get along, the new girl and the mother in law. They can go shopping together and have lunch. They can talk on the phone and text. Pretty much all of the things that I refuse to do with mine.

My husband told me that my thoughts were sometimes irrational. They weren't exactly 'right' and that I take some comments in a way that isn't intended. I know that he is treading eggshells when he tries to help and I can't stand these horrible mood swings and what I put him through. I don't see how exactly I am worth keeping around. No matter what my mother in law tries in an attempt to build that bridge I don't trust any of it. Some days I don't think I am being fair and I try to include her in my life and other days I am so angry with myself for letting her in my life. I am waiting for a troll to jump out from under that bridge and I would rather be prepared than to be blinded by her thoughtfulness attempts which are the sugarcoating in her cruel trap.

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