Friday, 1 July 2011

Clear As See Through

This is one of my few days that I have that I can 'see clearly'

I am still doing my tasks that I have mentioned in my previous blogs and my anxiety had peaked at its highest today with the hand washing rules but now it is coming down and I think for that reason alone my mood has brightened. I want to write about it because I am afraid that it will soon pass and I wont be able to see past my cruel thoughts that my OCD forces into my mind. I want to remember this calmer feeling and my thoughts about the future. Most days I can't bring myself to think about the future because I would rather not be in it and that is destructive enough on its own and it comes with the territory of my illness.

I spent so much of my life thinking how much I failed because I have not kept up with everyone else and somehow I had this super positive thought go through my head. It went something like this..

'Even though I didn't graduate from high school and I didn't make it through the first week of grade 10 without having to leave school to be home schooled I still tried my hardest under the circumstances with my over all health issues. Dealing with Fibromyalgia syndrome and my untreated at the time OCD made my teen years a living nightmare along with the constant verbal abuse and death threats that I was forced to listen to day in and day out from an older sibling for the majority of my life. Eventually I managed my life and I had plans and I stuck to them. Now, I may not have finished my high school education and that made me feel ashamed for a very long time but now I don't feel ashamed at all. The people that I went to school with; they finished their high school and they went to prom. I didn't. Their life stopped not long after they finished high school and a lot from my own knowledge have done nothing since. I on the other hand have done a lot considering what I go through on a daily basis.

- I met the love of my life
- I moved to Scotland to be with him
- We eventually got married!
- Did I mention that I moved to a whole other country and this was before I turned 20
- I have travelled, I have been to Paris, London, Berlin and Pollensa in the last few years and I plan to travel even more! I never would have had the opportunity to do it when I lived in my hometown.

I can go to college here and I can go to university here. Just because I didn't finish my education back in Canada doesn't mean in any way that I wont get anywhere in life. The world is my oyster and I wont eat it. I don't like oysters. I had to turn down my college interview and my volunteer work at a hospital a few months ago because of my OCD. I know that I have missed out because of it. I planned on going to college since I moved to the UK but I had to sort out so many things before I could apply. I applied as soon as I could and I just couldn't get there but I have a year to do all that I can before I start applying again. Who knows, I might even get back to taking my driving lessons before then.

Now I am starting to feel like I am getting too ahead of myself. I know that my mood is good right now but this is one of my many extremes of high and lows. Sometimes I wonder if there is more wrong with me than just the OCD but then I have to understand that the OCD would like me to think that I have even more wrong with me then what there is. It will follow with me searching online for every mental illness that I can find and within a few hours I will  be convinced that I have schizophrenia, bipolar and impostor syndrome.

Then again I do have this mysterious bruise on my arm from elbow down to my wrist is very tender. I had to take off my sweater through fear that I must have got some all purpose spray on it when I was cleaning the counter tops earlier and it must have infected me and I am having some kind of serious allergic reaction. What am I going to do with these thoughts? Well.. I took off my sweater and ideally I should put it back on but I just put on a very comfortable plush bathrobe and I am too comfy to change.

1 comment:

  1. YAY! You aren't letting OCD win. Good for you. I agree - there are good days and bad days. Someday there will be more good ones than bad. I'm not there yet either, but I know I'm taking steps in the right direction. Look at what you are doing WITH YOUR LIFE!!! You're getting treatment, you're writing a blog, and you're married to the love of your life. I understand that feeling of being not good enough, I have that too. But even though I have a university education - do you know what makes me feel less-than? The fact that I'm not married to the love of my life! We all have "stuff". Congrats!!


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