I have had a horrible set of events over the last week. I tried to ignore them and I tried to get away from them and I can't do either. My two issues are two different people.
My Therapist vs The Manager
Who will win this round on the most cruel robot like creature?
They both win. It was a tie.
I have been having a few clashes with my therapist over treatment. The last session was indeed the last. I have never been made to feel more worthless and hopeless in all my life. Well, other than living in my parents house with all of my siblings but that is a whole different matter right there and it is one that I can't go into because it is just too bothersome and I don't have the energy or a keyboard that could tolerate the whole story.
Being taunted isn't treatment. 'Little miss perfect in her immaculate home with her immaculate shower in her perfect bubble where little miss perfect is always kept safe'
Frankly I think that I have annoyed the hell out of my last therapist. Maybe the fact that I don't see anything wrong with keeping my home spic and span and yes, I look up to Martha Stewart! I love her cleaning tips and her cleaning calendar and yes, I would go as far as sculpting her into a gold statue and praying to her to help me bake, cook and keep my home perfect.
It is not so much the issue of my cleanliness and as she liked to call it 'My perfectionism, because not making your bed everyday would make something bad happen' Not that I have ever stated that I felt that not making my bed as soon as I get out of it would cause something bad to happen. Never said that once, she assumed because she refused to accept that I clean so much because I like a clean house. I mean, I am in my home almost 24/7 because of my ocd fears of leaving the house. Maybe she should have focused on those fears instead of how often I clean out my fridge. Once a week and I think that is OK because it is my fridge and my choice. Not my ocd choice but my choice.
When I told my therapist my reason for not wanting to leave the house. My fears of what would happen when I am out of the house her eyes rolled and she threw her head back and had a laugh. Seriously.
I was ridiculed on the matter and she didn't take it seriously. She also didn't take my story of the time that I was stalked, harassed and nearly grabbed by an old drunken man. Instead she accused me and my ocd of making up that story and told me that I had it all out of proportion and that he was likely just trying to have a conversation with me, but my ocd wouldn't let him.
I don't think that the security guards in Buchanan Galleries saw it that way, otherwise they wouldn't have given him the chase that they did.
My therapist gave me a whole new set of fears from the hour that she spent taunting me that day. The day that I was so proud of, the day where I faced several fears in her words was a wasted attempt because I washed my hands, therefore breaking the rules so I failed. It has taken a lot of people to convince me otherwise.
My therapist ignored my pleas to take the treatment slower and to set tasks that I at least stood a chance at achieving. Instead she set them higher and higher every time and told me that it wasn't going to be easy, if it was then we would all be cured by now.
She gave me the fear that my husband would leave me because he has to take care of me, even though my husband has only ever taken care of me when I am too ill to leave my bed - like when I have the flu.
I think that when the alarm bells sounded in my head I should have listened to them and backed out of her office from the minute that she claimed that she would cure my ocd and when she shook her head in disapproval of my use of the OCD-UK support.
There is a lot that I could say about this woman. I am very angry and annoyed that I feel like I have not only been wasting these 3 months but I am also annoyed that she set me up to fail every time and she made sure that I felt like a failure. 'Do not dust the house for 1 month' and on my 10th day I failed that task and it was the support from everyone else that made me realize that 10 days is a real achievement and that the cbt should have been to see how far I could go with it and that 'failing' didn't exist.
As for the manager in my work.
She has been harassing me over the phone over the last few weeks for me to attend a meeting to set up my return to work. Despite the report from my GP stating that I was unfit for work and that she does not have any idea when I would be fit for work due to the nature of my mental illness ....
And my managers side of the note from the doctor 'I have read from the doctors report that things are looking positive and you should be back to work within the next few weeks'
It really doesn't match up does it? Her bullying tactics make me sick - literally! and even though I have tried to explain to her what I am going through because of the ocd
I have faced some of the worst suicidal thoughts from the ocd and from my own depression. I hate every minute of it and I wish that it would go away but it isn't going to.
The only things that have been sorted is through my GP I am back on the waiting list for another therapist. I don't know how long it will take or even how long it could take. I did admit to the suicidal thoughts and I had to tell her about the violent thoughts that I have been having. Something that I failed to tell my therapist about but there was a lot of things that I didn't feel able to speak to my therapist about and I think that may have doomed it from the start along with her promises of a lifetime cure for my ocd.