Sunday, 3 July 2011

Today's Events

I felt fine this morning even though we had slept in and started to run late. We had hired a van man to move some of our things down to our in laws and I wanted to get up early enough to get the weekly shop before Mr van man arrived. Looking at the time 9:30 we figured that we should get up and shower and get something to eat, deal with moving the few things and then we would get our grocery shop done.

I honestly felt fine. I was in a really good mood despite sleeping in. I often ignore the alarm clock and drift back to sleep anyways. It is nothing new. I felt uncomfortable with having a complete stranger in my home and every thought came to mind and then I had Sunday dinner at the in laws on my mind. After what felt like a telling off from my mother in law for not attending these meals religiously it had gotten to the point of stressing over being there to show face to make them look good even though leaving the house I can't handle and even though that incident was a month ago it replays in my head every day several times a day and I have grown to strongly dislike my in laws and this became another reason why. I know the ocd will turn the situation worse than it was but I don't think that she understood that my ocd isn't like a common cold. I don't need a text or phone calls, offers to go out for lunch, dinner or shopping. No I don't want any company and no, I don't get lonely while being a hermit. I enjoy being a hermit and that is mainly because it keeps a lot of my anxiety away. The minute people start stomping into my home they make it worse. I have to spend hours cleaning after they leave and I end up in a worse state and for the love of Buddha, stop asking how I am doing because I can never tell how it is because some people just don't get it and wont ever get it.

So, While I was in the shower doing what you do in the shower. I started to feel dizzy and nauseated. I had only washed my hair and body and thankfully managed to shave. I didn't get to wash my face because at that point I couldn't stand up much longer. I shouted for Nick to come through and quickly. I remember being upset that I felt so unwell and asked him to hand me over my towel and help me out. I had the towel in hand and attempted to pat myself dry while still standing in the shower. Everything went black and really loud then really quiet and then I woke up on the floor. The room was spinning and there was a constant buzzing noise. Nick was trying to talk to me and I couldn't hear him through all of the noise and I had a hard time to respond. For a few minutes I could not feel my body and when the feeling came back my legs felt odd. It turns out my legs were in the shower still and the rest of my body on the floor. My chest was tight and breathing hurt, a lot and I couldn't get any breaths in. Apparently before I collapsed I was mumbling words but I don't remember any of that part.

Nick wanted to call an ambulance and I could only mutter no and the waterworks started. Instead he phoned the NHS 24 and talked to them and eventually the phone went to my ear. While I was still laying on the floor unwilling and unable to move. Eventually I had to ask him to put my towel over me because I was getting embarrassed. My body shaking wasn't because I was cold.

I have a really hard time to talk to strangers and even on the phone I struggle. Nick had to do most of the talking. It helped that he made it known that I suffer from severe ocd. Within minutes of hanging up the phone Nick had helped me to the bed and started to dress me and before he could finish the phone rang and it was a doctor on the phone to go over some more details about my incident. I managed to speak to him for a couple of minutes before I was in tears and another panic attack had started and I had to hand the phone to Nick.

I kept being told that I had to go to the hospital to get checked and I really didn't want to leave the house and I didn't want to sit in a waiting room full of people who are sick. It is bad enough that I am not well but I don't want to catch someone cold. The doctor on the phone wouldn't stop trying to persuade me through Nick to go to the hospital. Eventually I agreed when I was told that I would be seen right away and I wouldn't have to sit in the waiting room and I wouldn't be kept waiting. Nick jokes that I had VIP treatment while I was there.

When I had to breathe into a tube thing I had to ask the nurse if it was clean and she replied it was but she would clean it again before putting the disposable bit on it for me to use. When seeing the doctor she had to wash the stethoscope before touching me with it. I felt so ashamed and so scared.

My incident has been put down to the stress of my ocd and the treatment and now I am on bed rest but I can't fall asleep because I don't think that I will wake up. I try to clean the flat but within minutes of standing up I feel like I am going to black out again.

I had more panic attacks today then what I have had in a month. They are constant and it has made me tired. I am exhausted to the point that I don't care if I wake up or not. I need to get some sleep.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry this happened! I hope you do continue your treatment, but maybe you could take it slower. It sounds like your therapist jumped right into some really hard exposures. It may work better if you develop a hierarchy and start out much much lower on it and work your way up.

    But in the meantime, take care of yourself and I hope you're feeling better very soon!


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