So it is a Friday night and it is just the same night as any others as far as I'm concerned.
Maybe because I don't have a life to speak of at the moment or maybe because the idea of going out to drink to get completely drunk to wake up the next afternoon with the room spinning and with vomit along my cheek isn't what I am into. Socially I feel awkward. I generally don't have much to say to anyone unless I am in a talkative mood and my ocd is far from controlling what I can say. Yes, my ocd also controls my conversations. When I want to say something I fear how it sounds or what could happen if it is said and that is even if it is idle chit chat. I worry that something that I say could bring on a series of unfortunate events so I remain quiet.
I like my own company. I like not having to worry about what people think of me because no one is there to watch me perform the same tasks over and over again until it is done the right number of times or until it feels right but that is as long the lines of an even number of times. It is all very complicated like my use with numbers. No one understands it but me and with thorough explanations to my husband he has a good grasp on how it works.
Like when I used to go swimming. The key words is *used to* It is something that ocd has robbed me of. Anyways, an example of my number use. When searching for a locker it had to be even numbers. The only safe odd numbers for myself are 5 and 9. So if the locker number was 242 that is usable and if it is 259 then I could use that one too but if the locker number is 139 I could use it if I add the 1 and 3 to make 4 and then the 9 is safe. If the number of the locker was 147 then I could add that into 12 and that could be OK but I would feel uncomfortable because it makes 3 and I can't do anything with a 3. If I used that locker then something bad would happen while swimming. My husband who normally went with me could dive in but what if he didn't come back up for air. It isn't worth the risk so I would search for the right locker in the right row that is not only the right locker number but the right number of lockers down the row.
I think that along the lines of this post it really shows how obsessive compulsive disorder is anything other than in black and white when it comes to understanding how it all works. I could write so many things about this illness and I will never run out of things to say. I wish that everyone in my life could understand that I don't want to live the way that I do and that I never chose it and in no way do I enjoy it. I get frustrated, depressed and physically sick over the anxiety and the over all stress that I wake up with every morning and go to bed with every day.
From the time that I wake up in the morning I have 'things' that I need to do and come bed time I have even more 'things' to do before I can not only get in bed but stay in bed. I hate it when someone claims that they wish that they could be as organized and so neat and tidy like myself but it is tiring and it makes me angry that I can't seem to stop any of it despite wanting my life back. Well, I don't know if I can claim to want my life back since I have suffered with this illness for so much of my life that I don't think that I ever had a life before. So maybe I should state that I want a life. Yes, I want a life and I want it now.
I have not had treatment in weeks. Having to cancel the last appointment because of the fall and it was the last one for the 2 weeks that my therapist would be on holidays. My next one is on the 19th and I have not made any progress. I feel like I am back to my breakdown stage and I feel ashamed. I am slowly learning the tools but I failed to put them in use. Letting my ocd win at everything like several bad games of chequers and the winners prize is a clear mind. What can I say; I am awful at chequers.
On one bright side I have not had the energy to clean half as much and I have been forced with the thoughts without being able to give into them. I still haven't cleaned out my fridge and it has been almost 3 weeks since I last cleaned it. I would refuse to put any fresh groceries in there until it has been thoroughly cleaned and rinsed and at the moment when I open that fridge door to get out the soy milk for my umpteenth cup of tea in a day I am greeted by the filth, the germs and endless crumbs and I don't know how they even got in there. The celery has dirt on it and my containers of soy butter aren't placed together in a neat row. The top shelf is a disaster zone with every bottle randomly placed in and not all front forward facing in a row of 4 followed by rows of 2. I have uneven numbers of bottles in the door and don't get me started on the fruit and vegetable drawers. All that I can do is close that fridge door in a hurry and walk away. Not give into the thoughts of multiplying germs and catching a deadly food poisoning bug. Trying not to over wash the fruit and vegetables and not putting anything back properly. Well, the ocd way of putting things back 'properly'
I am also going to attempt the bus issue on Sunday if the weather is dry. I have not been on a bus in years through fear alone and it is something that I struggle with. Just thinking about it scares me so I am going stop thinking about the idea of it and I will see how it goes on Sunday. Just considering it alone is a step in the right direction but doing it is another matter. Actually doing it is like man taking his first footsteps on the moon. Even if it is only for a couple of minutes. I will try to just sit with the thoughts and I might even touch the seat or the bars. OK, I have to stop here before I bring on another panic attack.