So this blog is somewhat late considering my last therapy appointment was on Tuesday.
None of the sessions are easy. They are all very hard and to be honest I dread going in for them because every time I have to face some of my biggest fears and slowly we are working on more and more and I am taking on more than I thought was possible but I am still trying to cope with some of my first exposures.
I get really really frustrated when I fail a task and despite two doctors and my therapist telling me that I have not failed anything and that my previous attempt at a month without dusting was amazing that I managed 10 whole days without dusting. I still feel like I failed but if I didn't feel that way then I might not be so determined to try it again with more determination because I know that I can go at least 10 days. My therapist asked if in my opinion it was a task worth trying again. Mainly because it would not be effective if I gutted out my flat to clean every inch of it, or better yet, millimetre of it. This time around the attempt for a week to 10 days without dusting and when I do, I can only carry on with normal housework. I can't go to the extremes.
I am also having to refrain from cleaning out the fridge. I clean it before we get our food shop every week and I will admit that sometimes I sneak in a bit of extra cleaning on the shelves -just in case- My therapist then asked me to ask others, how often do you clean your fridge?
She told me that she hasn't cleaned hers in at least 3 months and it is grimy and spills and it is pretty disgusting and she doesn't care because it wont make anyone ill.
I am not going to argue with her on that one but I still had a moment where I shuddered and thought about a fridge full of contaminated and inedible food then I thought about the waste and then reminded myself that this was her fridge, not mine. It could be mine soon enough since I am not allowed to clean it.
I also have a major task. I have a hand washing rule. I have a piece of paper that tells me when I can wash my hands, how long for, how much soap and that the water is not to be scalding hot.
I use a lot of soap, I burn my hands in the process of washing them and I wash every bit of my hands and that includes under my nails. I wash my hands constantly, well it feels like I constantly wash them and sometimes I wash them again after the first time because it doesn't feel right.
I have to phone my therapist every day to check in. This is like being in counselling for an addiction. This is very hard to stop and I get very upset when I can't do what it tells me to and I want to do these things until it gets to the point of frustration because I would like to stop after several repeating tasks but I can't. That's where the tears come in. I feel dirty, I feel like I need extra time in the shower or just another shower, I feel like I have to clean everything I touch in my home and everything my husband touches, remote for the t.v and such. I felt like ripping the bed apart this morning to wash all of the bedding even though I had just put fresh bedding on our bed on the Monday. I do my phone call and generally she phones me back. She asks how I have been managing. She doesn't ask me if I broke the rules but I tell her how I feel, how it is affecting me and so far that I have listened to the thoughts and done nothing about it. I feel slightly dependant on her support even though it has only been a few days. I have Friday and the weekend to get through with the support of my husband and he is doing this task with me for extra exposure. I wont be able to speak to her until Monday and then my next appointment for treatment on Tuesday.
I am not sure how I will cope but I have my husband here and he is strict. Apparently strict is what I need.
I got a telling off from my therapist for not making every day about treatment. As soon as I go one day without any kind of exposure then it is easier to do that the next day and the next day and so on. I have not done myself any favours for it. With the telling off my therapist gave me a few good points to look at. The main one was that I want to get through this, I want to get better, I don't want to be in therapy for a year or even close to that and she wants me out of therapy as soon as possible because that means that OCD for me wont be an issue in my life. She explained that she is strict with me and my OCD because I am an adult, an adult who does adult things who leads an adult life and that I should be treated like an adult. She may seem slightly harsh with me at times but I know that it is for my own good.
OCD is having a bad effect on not just that kind of health but my over all health. I spend so much time washing and doing everything that the voices tell me to do in order to keep bad things from happening and to keep myself and my husband from getting sick that over all I have made myself ill over it.
Even though I dealt with a few concerns unfortunately I didn't have it in me to address them all. Even though I go in to deal with my sick lines until I am able to get back on my feet and functional again I still need to go in often to give my doctor updates on how I am managing.
Medication is still an option and it is one that I am considering. I had taken myself off of my birth control again through fears but I have been explained everything about it all over again so I feel comfortable with trying it again. As for the medication, my doctor explained the use and how it would help me but I was assured that in no way I had to take it. It was my choice and if I feel like I am coping then it is something that I don't need.
The only thing about coping is I don't cope so well every day.
I think that is everything for this blog. I hope that I covered my events of today and my last treatment session. I don't want to say that I am doing well or feeling positive. Last time my mood was great and within a short while my mood turned back into the crazed depressing mess all over again. Just one day at a time because that is all I can manage at the moment. Well, just.