I made it to my treatment on Wednesday. Thankfully my therapist didn't put me back in the disabled toilets and make me touch the surfaces that I fear most. I was mainly fearful of going to my last appointment for that reason and then the other reasons, my feelings of complete failure with my best attempts with CBT.
I am honestly trying my hardest but I am just not moving forward. Maybe it is normal? I mean to do well one day and do horribly for the next 2 weeks? I feel more unstable lately and I have gone back to feeling chest pains and my face going completely numb just from my anxiety alone. I cry far too much in one day and I feel like maybe I should drink more water? What if crying to this extent makes me dehydrated and then they will have a reason to put me into the hospital. I feel depressed and I feel completely hopeless and helpless. I am scared that I will turn into someone who isn't me, like someone else completely takes over my mind and they make me want to do things that I don't actually want to do, worse than the things that I am already forced to do. My illness is worse than my childhood bully and I would really just like for it to stop and leave me alone.
My doctor mentioned again about the medication that they could prescribe me. I just can't bring myself to take any kind of medication. I can't even take anything for the migraines and my average is about 3 a week. Is this normal? I want to look it up online but then I know that I will turn my illness into 10 illnesses and I will lock myself away from the world all together.
My thought today, if I took the medication maybe then I wouldn't have to do treatment. I could just live on the pills and I wouldn't have to face any of it. I don't think that is how the medication route works but then again I wouldn't be able to try it out anyways because I fear medication.