Friday, 24 June 2011

The Negativity, it is still here and there and over there and right here.

I made it to my treatment on Wednesday. Thankfully my therapist didn't put me back in the disabled toilets and make me touch the surfaces that I fear most. I was mainly fearful of going to my last appointment for that reason and then the other reasons, my feelings of complete failure with my best attempts with CBT.

I am honestly trying my hardest but I am just not moving forward. Maybe it is normal? I mean to do well one day and do horribly for the next 2 weeks? I feel more unstable lately and I have gone back to feeling chest pains and my face going completely numb just from my anxiety alone. I cry far too much in one day and I feel like maybe I should drink more water? What if crying to this extent makes me dehydrated and then they will have a reason to put me into the hospital.  I feel depressed and I feel completely hopeless and helpless. I am scared that I will turn into someone who isn't me, like someone else completely takes over my mind and they make me want to do things that I don't actually want to do, worse than the things that I am already forced to do. My illness is worse than my childhood bully and I would really just like for it to stop and leave me alone.

My doctor mentioned again about the medication that they could prescribe me. I just can't bring myself to take any kind of medication. I can't even take anything for the migraines and my average is about 3 a week. Is this normal? I want to look it up online but then I know that I will turn my illness into 10 illnesses and I will lock myself away from the world all together.

My thought today, if I took the medication maybe then I wouldn't have to do treatment. I could just live on the pills and I wouldn't have to face any of it. I don't think that is how the medication route works but then again I wouldn't be able to try it out anyways because I fear medication.


  1. I just found your blog and am sorry to hear you are having such a tough time lately......I hope things get better for you soon. I don't know if you'd finid my blog helpful, but check it out if you want: Good luck, you are in my thoughts!

  2. YOU CAN DO THIS!!! I am right there with you - doing ERP at the same time! And believe me - I had a "slam dunk" with the first two exposures on my hierarchy, and then WHAM! I was hit with a horrible time! I have done the same exposure now for three weeks and I'm just starting to come out of it! The first two weeks were HELL. I felt horrible - compulsing like crazy. YOU CAN DO THIS. I'm cheering for you!!!

  3. Hey thanks Janet, I will bookmark it and have a look at your blog.

    I find that it helps me in one way to put things into perspective when I write it but it sometimes helps to read others experiences with OCD and how they cope. Not that I am happy for anyone to have it and I wouldn't wish it on anyone!
    I don't think that I am at any kind of coping stage and I lack the stragety to cope. I hide away like a hermit and it is all I really know. Not that it helps, it doesn't help at all.

    Canuck, I really appreciate your enthusiam. I really hope that we can get through this. CBT is still new to me and the exposures are driving me back into my compulsions x a million! I feel worse at the moment for it but it is good to know that eventually we will come out of it.

  4. Oh my. I just have to say that migraine medication is (for me at least) MIRACULOUS!! I don't take any other medication but that one, and I LOVE it.
    Turns a day from useless into completely normal. When I first started taking it, I chose not to read the insert with all the possible side effects, so as far as I know, I don't have any side effects at all.


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