Saturday, 25 June 2011

Finally. I Found My Positivity. It was put in my lunch. Possibly Drugged.

Despite my ongoing downfall I managed to get out of the house without much hesitation today. I mean, it did take me an hour-ish to face getting out but I have gotten to the point where I give myself enough time before going out to deal with it. Rarely I am late for anything and only taking an hour to get out of the house is a reduced amount of time, well compared to the times where I am ready to go out and my shoes are on and everything but I just can't quite open that door and get out. Instead I go back and do all of my checks all over again and several times and then I end up thinking to myself that it really isn't worth the risk in going out anywhere.

The minute that we arrived into city centre and we were off of the train I actually felt pretty excited to do the things that I could only think of doing but could not get myself out to do. We checked out what bands were playing and to my horror a Katy Perry concert was sold out before Alice Cooper. Even though Alice Cooper is getting a bit on the old side I am sure that he can still put on a better live show than a chick who sounds like another Brittany Spears who pretty much sounds like Christina Aguilera and she sounds like Hillary Duff. It is a never ending vicious cycle and such a waste of your parents hard earned money.

The next step was to one of my favourite shops to buy books and browse the CD selection. I stocked up on books. I actually really stocked up on books. I didn't know when I would be back to buy the ones I wanted so it was better to just get them while I was there. If I was there any longer I wouldn't have just bought 9  books. I would have bought 20 or more. I read a lot and I go through books like they are going out of fashion. Just like how I spend Nicks money.

It is a positive note today, well more positive than the last few. I think my mood itself has brightened up because I did have a successful day out of the house. I never had to rush home and we only went home when we did everything that we planned to do. We got to see a good friend who was down visiting. I love seeing him and even though I know that I don't say a hell of a lot I am genuinely fascinated by the majority of his stories and his perfect memory. Despite the amount of Blackadder and Father Ted that I indulge in I can never remember a thing afterwards and even though I read more than a normal person should I can hardly remember what the book is about and that is even while I am still reading it but the effect of putting it down for a few hours or a day or two. I think that being in the right company can make a lot of difference on whether you feel anxious or not. In large groups I feel horrible, anxious and I really can't concentrate on anything that is being said to me or around me. I tend to start to shake, sometimes my hands or my legs and rarely my entire body but it does happen and my mind wonders off and I have a whole conversation going on between me and the voices in my head and it keeps me from even attempting to have a good time. I much much much more prefer the company of certain people and if I am out of my comfort level it is noticeable but for a few hours today I felt a tad bit 'normal' It was nice and I think after the last couple of weeks it was badly needed.

After the lunch date we went off our separate ways and I was up for getting a few things done in town that I haven't been able to.We finally looked at a chair for the living room. One that I looked at online 3 weeks ago and that we planned 4 weeks ago to have a look in the shop. It doesn't feel like it has been 4 weeks since the original plan of 'we need an armchair' but it has been. I wasn't kidding when I said that I struggle to get out of the house.

I am going to look into some medication. I have heard some good things and some bad things but if I look it up and ask the right questions then maybe it could be a way forward. I can't control my thoughts and I can't stand the idea of CBT where I don't try to control them, shut them out or ignore them. I don't want to hear them. I don't want to be forced to do things that I don't want to do and then to do them again and again and again. I don't want to be kept from doing the things that I want to do. I applied for college and I didn't make the interview. I waited 5 years to go to college and I was kept from doing something I dreamt of for so long. I don't want this to be my life any longer. I don't know how much the medication could do for me and I don't know yet if I could manage to take it. I don't want to get my hopes up but there has got to be some kind of light at the end of the tunnel. Even if its a string of blue Christmas lights so as long as they aren't burnt out by the time I get there.

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