Monday, 20 June 2011

Just Another OCD Filled day

I have been avoiding writing anything about my struggle with OCD for the last few days. Things have not been going as well as I hoped. I am feeling ashamed with myself for not bouncing back within a few days or weeks of my breakdown. It has been over two months and I still don't feel right. Anxiety and panic attacks are at an all time high and my depression is at an all time low. Going out is still a no no and it is hard because I want to go out and look for a super comfy armchair for our living room but I just can't quite get out that front door on my own. I hate the way that it restricts my living and my own freedom to go out and do what I want when I want feels like a distant memory. I don't feel like I had really done all of those things or accomplished anything at all.

I feel like today is an over all bad day followed by many other bad days. I had to be forced to bed last night because I could not stop checking the stove. I would check and check and go back again and check. Scream because I want to stop checking but I have to go and check again and it gets so frustrating.

Treatment is not until Wednesday this week and I am dreading it. I don't feel up to challenging the OCD and facing the exhaustion that follows from the extreme anxiety. My husband tries his hardest to be tough on me and to keep me on the right track but it ends badly when I get upset and tell him that I want a day that I can just give into the OCD because I just can't face dealing with the highs and lows. On the plus side I have not failed my tasks entirely. I clean as normal but I leave the dust. It is getting noticeable and I am struggling to touch any surface in my home that has the layer of dust. I know because I don't want to touch it that I should just run my hands over it and not wash my hands for the better part of the day but like I said I just rather do what it tells me to do because I just can't face another day of treatment.


  1. I can feel your pain....I am struggling through ERP and feeling massive anxiety and some depression as well. I completely understand that feeling of "I can't do any ERP - I already feel horrible enough and this is going to make it worse." I had a couple of good days and now I'm backwards again. I am trying to take the "Fuck you OCD" will feel better...this too shall pass.

  2. It is far too easy to fall back into it, first without realizing the extent of giving in to the thoughts and once you do it seems never ending. I hope it passes for you soon and you get back on track with your ERP.


Note: only a member of this blog may post a comment.