Wednesday, 15 June 2011

The Walk With Nick and My OCD - The OCD Version of Events - We Didn't Hold Hands For Long

During the weekend I managed to get out of the house for a couple of hours. At the moment I am pretty much house bound through my own paranoia and fear. It goes too far and the only days I manage to get out is for a ridiculous amount of doctors appointments, treatment and food shopping. Surprisingly food shopping is the most difficult. Too many people and too many things that I have to touch. It needs to be done and I am trying my best. The photos were taken not far from where I live but soon I will need to venture out further so I can't get home as quick. That frightens me already and that was only a thought.

I posted a similar blog to this on my second blog Bazzle Dazzle and it slightly clashes with my Day in the life of OCD. Unfortunately every day is filled with irrational thoughts and fears, compulsions and constant checking. Bazzle Dazzle is my day to day idle chit chat, ranting and thoughts. I can't help it but my OCD invades everything and I am not yet at a stage where I can completely stop my own madness.

I wanted to post some of these photos we took from our walk. Along the lines as a reminder of what I am missing out on and anyone else who is in the same situation as me. I actually enjoyed the walk but I was more than happy to get through my front door and shower and put on my indoor clothes but because of my constant changing of clothes my laundry piles up to a never ending load of washing.

As much as I enjoyed the walk there was just one little incident. A very cute puppy ran up to me. As much as I didn't want to touch it because well it is hardly clean and god only knows what kind of germs it is carrying. I did touch it, petting the dog as if it was a normal thing to do. I didn't want to do it so I had to do it because at the end of the day it is exposure and I need that. My hands were covered with invisible dirt, germs and every other thing that the OCD tells me. I couldn't wait to wash my hands but I was going to let the thoughts run through my mind. The only problem was when my Nick grabbed my hand, then a whole new set of fears started and before I knew it he kissed my germ ridden hand. I went into a complete fit followed by accusing him of bullying me. Maybe it is a fortunate thing that he already knows how much of a bully my OCD is so he doesn't take much notice and slowly he isn't giving into it anymore. It is hard for him too but even harder for both of us if he doesn't.
After about 5 minutes I stopped being in a huff with him and he was no longer enjoying the silent treatment.


  1. It's such a roller coaster ride. But you can look back and the things that you can do in therapy and KNOW you can face it. OCD may try to tell you that you can't, but you've already proved that you can. And you're still alive to blog about it! Good luck!

  2. It is the scariest rollercoaster rides to date! I like to write about what I have accompolished despite the OCD attempting to hold me back. It is easier to look back at it in writing than trying to remember what I have done, especially at that point the OCD likes to have its fun with making me think I have done nothing at all but if it is in writing than OCD can't change it around to suit itself! I hope that anyone else reading my ramblings can see that treatment can work if you let it :)


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