I spend a lot of time thinking about everything, well just about everything but more than I should be thinking about.
Thinking about life and thinking about all the time I have wasted. My attempts to cut myself out of peoples lives because it makes my own easier for a short while.
My struggles with going out of the house because fear and paranoia overcome any rational thoughts that I once had.
It is not the mere seconds, minutes or hours that I have wasted in total on performing tasks over and over again, until it feels right and that nothing bad will happen afterwards and then to do it all over again because the thoughts returned with a vengeance.
Those days wasted turn into weeks and those weeks turn into months and yes those months have actually turned into years.
I have done nothing to better myself or my life. I have done nothing worth while or exciting. Some may argue that I have done things but my argument back is blurred and full of doubt.
There are only a few times that I could see past what my illness shows me but the thoughts are so dark and sometimes too real and they have taken over my whole life.
I feel like I have let everyone down and somewhere I have really let myself down too. Everything I have attempted ended with failure.
I can't seem to finish anything that I have started, even the things that I enjoy. Books that are a hand full of pages left to read are put aside and plans that I had are forgotten.
I am so tired.