Some Perspective

So this blog is somewhat late considering my last therapy appointment was on Tuesday.

None of the sessions are easy. They are all very hard and to be honest I dread going in for them because every time I have to face some of my biggest fears and slowly we are working on more and more and I am taking on more than I thought was possible but I am still trying to cope with some of my first exposures.

I get really really frustrated when I fail a task and despite two doctors and my therapist telling me that I have not failed anything and that my previous attempt at a month without dusting was amazing that I managed 10 whole days without dusting. I still feel like I failed but if I didn't feel that way then I might not be so determined to try it again with more determination because I know that I can go at least 10 days. My therapist asked if in my opinion it was a task worth trying again. Mainly because it would not be effective if I gutted out my flat to clean every inch of it, or better yet, millimetre of it. This time around the attempt for a week to 10 days without dusting and when I do, I can only carry on with normal housework. I can't go to the extremes.

I am also having to refrain from cleaning out the fridge. I clean it before we get our food shop every week and I will admit that sometimes I sneak in a bit of extra cleaning on the shelves -just in case- My therapist then asked me to ask others, how often do you clean your fridge?
She told me that she hasn't cleaned hers in at least 3 months and it is grimy and spills and it is pretty disgusting and she doesn't care because it wont make anyone ill.
I am not going to argue with her on that one but I still had a moment where I shuddered and thought about a fridge full of contaminated and inedible food then I thought about the waste and then reminded myself that this was her fridge, not mine. It could be mine soon enough since I am not allowed to clean it.

I also have a major task. I have a hand washing rule. I have a piece of paper that tells me when I can wash my hands, how long for, how much soap and that the water is not to be scalding hot.

I use a lot of soap, I burn my hands in the process of washing them and I wash every bit of my hands and that includes under my nails. I wash my hands constantly, well it feels like I constantly wash them and sometimes I wash them again after the first time because it doesn't feel right.

I have to phone my therapist every day to check in. This is like being in counselling for an addiction. This is very hard to stop and I get very upset when I can't do what it tells me to and I want to do these things until it gets to the point of frustration because I would like to stop after several repeating tasks but I can't. That's where the tears come in. I feel dirty, I feel like I need extra time in the shower or just another shower, I feel like I have to clean everything I touch in my home and everything my husband touches, remote for the t.v and such. I felt like ripping the bed apart this morning to wash all of the bedding even though I had just put fresh bedding on our bed on the Monday. I do my phone call and generally she phones me back. She asks how I have been managing. She doesn't ask me if I broke the rules but I tell her how I feel, how it is affecting me and so far that I have listened to the thoughts and done nothing about it. I feel slightly dependant on her support even though it has only been a few days. I have Friday and the weekend to get through with the support of my husband and he is doing this task with me for extra exposure. I wont be able to speak to her until Monday and then my next appointment for treatment on Tuesday.

I am not sure how I will cope but I have my husband here and he is strict. Apparently strict is what I need.

I got a telling off from my therapist for not making every day about treatment. As soon as I go one day without any kind of exposure then it is easier to do that the next day and the next day and so on. I have not done myself any favours for it. With the telling off my therapist gave me a few good points to look at. The main one was that I want to get through this, I want to get better, I don't want to be in therapy for a year or even close to that and she wants me out of therapy as soon as possible because that means that OCD for me wont be an issue in my life. She explained that she is strict with me and my OCD because I am an adult, an adult who does adult things who leads an adult life and that I should be treated like an adult. She may seem slightly harsh with me at times but I know that it is for my own good.

OCD is having a bad effect on not just that kind of health but my over all health. I spend so much time washing and doing everything that the voices tell me to do in order to keep bad things from happening and to keep myself and my husband from getting sick that over all I have made myself ill over it.

Even though I dealt with a few concerns unfortunately I didn't have it in me to address them all. Even though I go in to deal with my sick lines until I am able to get back on my feet and functional again I still need to go in often to give my doctor updates on how I am managing.

Medication is still an option and it is one that I am considering. I had taken myself off of my birth control again through fears but I have been explained everything about it all over again so I feel comfortable with trying it again. As for the medication, my doctor explained the use and how it would help me but I was assured that in no way I had to take it. It was my choice and if I feel like I am coping then it is something that I don't need.
The only thing about coping is I don't cope so well every day.

I think that is everything for this blog. I hope that I covered my events of today and my last treatment session. I don't want to say that I am doing well or feeling positive. Last time my mood was great and within a short while my mood turned back into the crazed depressing mess all over again. Just one day at a time because that is all I can manage at the moment. Well, just.

My Extreme Moods - high and lows high and lows high and lows high and lows

So today was a big day with treatment. It went alright compared to what played out in my mind since my mad cleaning spree that ended in me failing my no dusting for a month task.

If it wasn't for the help and support from my therapist I wouldn't have taken on a slightly different approach to the treatment.

I know that I am trying hard but I also know that I am too hard on myself the minute that I fail anything. I hate failing anything but I am willing to keep trying until I get it right.

I don't want to spend my life struggling to cope with this illness and I don't want to spend longer in therapy than I have to. There is no quick cure but being more strict with myself is a must. No more days where I avoid doing my exposures just because I can't face dealing with the stress and anxiety. It hasn't done me any favours in avoiding doing what I should have been doing. If you see my last few posts you would notice how it really did get the better of me. I just hope that my moods improve and I don't face the extremes of the highs and lows.

I will again about the detail of my treatment that I had today but I will post it tomorrow. I want to give it all a good think about and put a few things into practice first.

Just Some Thoughts, out of my head and onto the screen.

I spend a lot of time thinking about everything, well just about everything but more than I should be thinking about.
Thinking about life and thinking about all the time I have wasted. My attempts to cut myself out of peoples lives because it makes my own easier for a short while.
My struggles with going out of the house because fear and paranoia overcome any rational thoughts that I once had.
It is not the mere seconds, minutes or hours that I have wasted in total on performing tasks over and over again, until it feels right and that nothing bad will happen afterwards and then to do it all over again because the thoughts returned with a vengeance.
Those days wasted turn into weeks and those weeks turn into months and yes those months have actually turned into years.
I have done nothing to better myself or my life. I have done nothing worth while or exciting. Some may argue that I have done things but my argument back is blurred and full of doubt.
There are only a few times that I could see past what my illness shows me but the thoughts are so dark and sometimes too real and they have taken over my whole life.
I feel like I have let everyone down and somewhere I have really let myself down too. Everything I have attempted ended with failure.
I can't seem to finish anything that I have started, even the things that I enjoy. Books that are a hand full of pages left to read are put aside and plans that I had are forgotten.
I am so tired.

Finally. I Found My Positivity. It was put in my lunch. Possibly Drugged.

Despite my ongoing downfall I managed to get out of the house without much hesitation today. I mean, it did take me an hour-ish to face getting out but I have gotten to the point where I give myself enough time before going out to deal with it. Rarely I am late for anything and only taking an hour to get out of the house is a reduced amount of time, well compared to the times where I am ready to go out and my shoes are on and everything but I just can't quite open that door and get out. Instead I go back and do all of my checks all over again and several times and then I end up thinking to myself that it really isn't worth the risk in going out anywhere.

The minute that we arrived into city centre and we were off of the train I actually felt pretty excited to do the things that I could only think of doing but could not get myself out to do. We checked out what bands were playing and to my horror a Katy Perry concert was sold out before Alice Cooper. Even though Alice Cooper is getting a bit on the old side I am sure that he can still put on a better live show than a chick who sounds like another Brittany Spears who pretty much sounds like Christina Aguilera and she sounds like Hillary Duff. It is a never ending vicious cycle and such a waste of your parents hard earned money.

The next step was to one of my favourite shops to buy books and browse the CD selection. I stocked up on books. I actually really stocked up on books. I didn't know when I would be back to buy the ones I wanted so it was better to just get them while I was there. If I was there any longer I wouldn't have just bought 9  books. I would have bought 20 or more. I read a lot and I go through books like they are going out of fashion. Just like how I spend Nicks money.

It is a positive note today, well more positive than the last few. I think my mood itself has brightened up because I did have a successful day out of the house. I never had to rush home and we only went home when we did everything that we planned to do. We got to see a good friend who was down visiting. I love seeing him and even though I know that I don't say a hell of a lot I am genuinely fascinated by the majority of his stories and his perfect memory. Despite the amount of Blackadder and Father Ted that I indulge in I can never remember a thing afterwards and even though I read more than a normal person should I can hardly remember what the book is about and that is even while I am still reading it but the effect of putting it down for a few hours or a day or two. I think that being in the right company can make a lot of difference on whether you feel anxious or not. In large groups I feel horrible, anxious and I really can't concentrate on anything that is being said to me or around me. I tend to start to shake, sometimes my hands or my legs and rarely my entire body but it does happen and my mind wonders off and I have a whole conversation going on between me and the voices in my head and it keeps me from even attempting to have a good time. I much much much more prefer the company of certain people and if I am out of my comfort level it is noticeable but for a few hours today I felt a tad bit 'normal' It was nice and I think after the last couple of weeks it was badly needed.

After the lunch date we went off our separate ways and I was up for getting a few things done in town that I haven't been able to.We finally looked at a chair for the living room. One that I looked at online 3 weeks ago and that we planned 4 weeks ago to have a look in the shop. It doesn't feel like it has been 4 weeks since the original plan of 'we need an armchair' but it has been. I wasn't kidding when I said that I struggle to get out of the house.

I am going to look into some medication. I have heard some good things and some bad things but if I look it up and ask the right questions then maybe it could be a way forward. I can't control my thoughts and I can't stand the idea of CBT where I don't try to control them, shut them out or ignore them. I don't want to hear them. I don't want to be forced to do things that I don't want to do and then to do them again and again and again. I don't want to be kept from doing the things that I want to do. I applied for college and I didn't make the interview. I waited 5 years to go to college and I was kept from doing something I dreamt of for so long. I don't want this to be my life any longer. I don't know how much the medication could do for me and I don't know yet if I could manage to take it. I don't want to get my hopes up but there has got to be some kind of light at the end of the tunnel. Even if its a string of blue Christmas lights so as long as they aren't burnt out by the time I get there.

The Negativity, it is still here and there and over there and right here.

I made it to my treatment on Wednesday. Thankfully my therapist didn't put me back in the disabled toilets and make me touch the surfaces that I fear most. I was mainly fearful of going to my last appointment for that reason and then the other reasons, my feelings of complete failure with my best attempts with CBT.

I am honestly trying my hardest but I am just not moving forward. Maybe it is normal? I mean to do well one day and do horribly for the next 2 weeks? I feel more unstable lately and I have gone back to feeling chest pains and my face going completely numb just from my anxiety alone. I cry far too much in one day and I feel like maybe I should drink more water? What if crying to this extent makes me dehydrated and then they will have a reason to put me into the hospital.  I feel depressed and I feel completely hopeless and helpless. I am scared that I will turn into someone who isn't me, like someone else completely takes over my mind and they make me want to do things that I don't actually want to do, worse than the things that I am already forced to do. My illness is worse than my childhood bully and I would really just like for it to stop and leave me alone.

My doctor mentioned again about the medication that they could prescribe me. I just can't bring myself to take any kind of medication. I can't even take anything for the migraines and my average is about 3 a week. Is this normal? I want to look it up online but then I know that I will turn my illness into 10 illnesses and I will lock myself away from the world all together.

My thought today, if I took the medication maybe then I wouldn't have to do treatment. I could just live on the pills and I wouldn't have to face any of it. I don't think that is how the medication route works but then again I wouldn't be able to try it out anyways because I fear medication.

It is a bit negative

Treatment is in a couple of hours from now and the panic has really set in. Last night I was determined that I would skip this one but Nick insists that I go. I really don't want to go out let alone do anything that raises my anxiety. I am sick of feeling scared of just about everything but I don't want to deal with it right now. I would very much like to crawl into my bed and go deep under the covers and hopefully wake up to find that my OCD is gone and it left a little note to say that it wouldn't be back.

Just Another OCD Filled day

I have been avoiding writing anything about my struggle with OCD for the last few days. Things have not been going as well as I hoped. I am feeling ashamed with myself for not bouncing back within a few days or weeks of my breakdown. It has been over two months and I still don't feel right. Anxiety and panic attacks are at an all time high and my depression is at an all time low. Going out is still a no no and it is hard because I want to go out and look for a super comfy armchair for our living room but I just can't quite get out that front door on my own. I hate the way that it restricts my living and my own freedom to go out and do what I want when I want feels like a distant memory. I don't feel like I had really done all of those things or accomplished anything at all.

I feel like today is an over all bad day followed by many other bad days. I had to be forced to bed last night because I could not stop checking the stove. I would check and check and go back again and check. Scream because I want to stop checking but I have to go and check again and it gets so frustrating.

Treatment is not until Wednesday this week and I am dreading it. I don't feel up to challenging the OCD and facing the exhaustion that follows from the extreme anxiety. My husband tries his hardest to be tough on me and to keep me on the right track but it ends badly when I get upset and tell him that I want a day that I can just give into the OCD because I just can't face dealing with the highs and lows. On the plus side I have not failed my tasks entirely. I clean as normal but I leave the dust. It is getting noticeable and I am struggling to touch any surface in my home that has the layer of dust. I know because I don't want to touch it that I should just run my hands over it and not wash my hands for the better part of the day but like I said I just rather do what it tells me to do because I just can't face another day of treatment.