My Quiet Life Soon Become Hectic! I am looking forward to crawling into fresh sheets tonight!

Two nights ago I was feeling more tired than usual. This viral infection really has got me down, mentally and physically! When I called it an early night I was in bed for no more than 20 minutes when I started to noticed patches of tiny bumps all over my legs, chest and arms. I could not stop scratching and I have to say, it felt like I had chickenpox's and that thought soon crossed my mind but somehow I was logical! I had chickenpox's at the age of 13 and it is very uncommon to have them a second time around.

At first I attempted to think nothing of it and try to just sleep. I felt exhausted but I just could not drift off so then eventually I called Nick through and asked him to have a look at me. We both had the idea that this was something that I would have to go to the hospital for and that put me into a panic before the words left his mouth. Instead to try to find out what the problem was and if it was serious enough to go to the hospital we phoned the NHS24 helpline and after about 15 minutes of speaking to some very nice and helpful ladies I was asked if I could try to get myself to the hospital that night but if I could not get myself out of the house to phone them again. I did get out of the house and surprisingly for a Friday night this hospital itself was quiet! I must have waited 20 minutes and not a moment longer!

The doctor was a male and normally .. and this may sound odd, but I do get more frightened having to talk to men than I do women. He was lovely though, very kind and understanding. He cleaned off his stethoscope before using it and when I started to cry and apologized profusely for asking him to do such ridiculous things but it was just because I could not fight it he then quickly told me that I didn't need to apologize and it wasn't a problem and he has actually had many other OCD sufferers in his office before and he understands just how crippling the illness can become if it is left untreated.

I was never rushed out of the office. I was checked over and given a prescription for some pills, cream and lotion to help keep my skin from getting dried out from the cream. The doctor also spoke to me about my previous treatment and asked if anything was being done for me at the moment and if I wanted to try CBT again. I explained how put off I had been with the last two therapists and the approach and he agreed with me that I was being flooded and clearly it has put me in a worse state now that I have been left to my own devices, especially after I was given another therapist who would only see me 4 times before she went onto maternity leave.

Despite the bad experiences with the therapists I am still going to try the CBT again. I need to for my own well being. I am just not strong enough to bring myself to it just yet but I hope to get there eventually. As for the visit to the hospital it went much better than the images in my mind. I was so worried that I would be poked and prodded with needles and made to stay in over night I was worked up into a panic attack. When the doctor told me that if the rash doesn't start to go down then he would like me to come back in for tests I just broke down in tears. I looked a right state! But I understood the importance of it and the doctor had more than his weight in gold of patience!

I am still a bit itchy, I broke out in a rash on my wrist earlier tonight after Sunday night dinner at the inlaws. I am home now and able to relax. Well.. only for a short time because I must put the sheets on the bed and the clean laundry away and then be up for 6am to pop into my work place to have a word with the assistant manager before anyone else comes in. I don't mean it in a harsh way towards anyone that I work with, or had worked with but I just cannot bare to see anyone just now and seeing the assistant manager is a bit of a struggle. I have not seen him in over 6 months and I have spent the last 6 weeks trying to get out of the house to visit him.

I would also like to try to go down to the inlaws .. I have a pile of books from the closet from Nicks great grandfather! There are so many old books in there and I would just love to borrow them! My kindle now has over 160 titles on it and that does not include the reading list from the book case and now a new list of books to be on the look out for if I can manage a trip to the library! I am in heaven! Heaven!

OCD, Weather, Guilt ... Nope! No guilt here today!

I wonder if the weather plays much of a part in how we are feeling. I often feel the effects of damp weather on my joints thanks to Fibromyalgia Syndrome! But when it comes to moods or the severeness of OCD from one day to another. I like the colder weather even though my joints ache and makes an awful creaking noise when I get up too quickly. I like the rooms slightly darker, with mysterious looking shadows covering the walls and furniture. I also like that a cup of hot chocolate has never tasted so delicious! Books are read differently, instead of being taken outside to enjoy the heat of the sun I end up taking them into a little corner of the couch, under the light a blanket and a hot drink, any kind of drink so as long as it is hot and caffeinated!

I have had books on my mind over the last few weeks and finally I have allowed myself to have something that I wanted for a long time. Can a long time be a matter of months? I wanted a kindle but for so long I just didn't allow myself to have that kind of money spent on myself. I always feel guilty if I spend too much on myself, whether it is clothes, shoes or a gadget of some kind but it needs to stop. I can't feel guilty for having something that I enjoy and boy do I ever enjoy this magical little device. Don't get me wrong, it could never replace books but it has opened me up to a world of books that I wouldn't have read and it is a vast and great world out there!

I refuse to feel guilty. Instead I coo with glee each and every time I pick up this little device. 83 titles downloaded for free. I am currently reading Jane Austens Northanger Abbey and loving it! OCD you will not win this round with your guilt trips.

The Sincere Avoidance of a Smile. A frown is always much easier these days.

I started to attempt to write a post yesterday afternoon about avoidance. Well, I soon avoided that subject so let me try this again. Oh, wait -- hold on a moment, the washing machine has just stopped and I need to hang up the sheets to dry. You would understand, wont you? I mean, it is a dry day, slightly cold but it is dry and the air is crisp and the bed sheets would smell lovely if I could just put them out for a few hours.


...No no, I am not avoiding this post. Not in the slightest!

I always feel a relief when I can avoid something that I can't face. Whether it is the colour red or an odd number but it is never long until I feel disgusted and angry with myself for avoiding these and many other things. If I stopped avoiding them and just got on with it I would of course feel distressed and anxious and no doubt I will have a panic attack or two! Eventually I will calm down and maybe not avoiding these things for a second time around would come a bit easier? No.. not in my experience but that is only because I am so quick to give up and refuse to try again until the desperation kicks in! I really am left here alone in this flat day in and day out as if I am locked up with no escape. The keys are missing and I am having a constant confrontation with my own self to where we left them last! Instead of looking for a way out I give up before I even start. I find myself in another world of my own kind, in my mind. Almost like a third mind. Staring into space with the complete numbness of the silence around me with nowhere to go and nowhere to be. I have hardly persuaded myself to leave the house lately. I am throwing my hands up in the air, this is complete maddess! What have I done? Nothing. Nothing at all and I am not enjoying it.

Goodbye October, see you next year. Hello again November, it is so nice to see you again. Would you be so kind to show me the most beautiful autumnal foliage in colours that could not even be created again, not even through a talented artists brush and maybe just that could tempt me out with my set of keys in hand, shoes on the right feet and I could take a long walk and come back with the crisp air on my clothes, mud on my shoes and the once normal feeling in my heart and my soul could feel light once again. I might even give you a smile on my face, lips curled upwards and maybe even a slight glow in my cheeks to show the sincerity of this rarity.

A Very Odd Dream - Somehow with minimum sleep I still manage to dream the oddest dreams!

I had such a bizarre dream last night. It was only a short dream because I soon woke up as I do every night countless times!

I dreamt that I was standing in my old bedroom in the house that my father built. I saw the lilac bedroom walls with the sheer white curtains moving in the breeze of both windows. My white dresser with the bookshelf with every children's title that was once owned held in that shelf. I wanted to take the books out but I couldn't reach them. I was upset but also very angry!

A very odd dream.

     It is a rare occurrence for me to post twice in one day but here I am before I go to bed with a few passages that I have read this afternoon and wanted to share from The Diary of a Young Girl. I will end up posting these in my favourite books and quotes section but for now they are in a posting of their own. A very lovely but very heart wrenching read. From the moment that I started to read I felt like maybe the ending could end differently and it wouldn't end in the sealed fate that we all know of.
     For a young woman she was certainly wise and witty.

Wednesday, 23 February 1944
     'The best remedy for those who are frightened, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere they can be alone, alone with the sky, nature and God. For then and only then can you feel that everything is as it should be and that God wants people to be happy amid natures beauty and simplicity.
     As long as this exists, and that should be for ever i know that there will be solace for every sorrow what ever the circumstances. I firmly believe that nature can bring comfort to all who suffer.'

     'Riches, prestige, everything can be lost. But the happiness in your heart can only be dimmed; it will always be there as long as you live, to make you happy again.
     Whenever you're feeling lonely or sad, try going to the loft on a beautiful day and looking outside. Not at the houses and the rooftops, but at the sky. As long as you can look fearlessly at the sky, you'll know that your pure within and will find happiness once more.'

Thursday, 2 March 1944
     'Love, what is love? I don't think you can really put it into words. Love is understanding someone, caring for him, sharing his joys and sorrows. This eventually includes physical love. You've shared something, given something away and received something in return, whether or not you're married, whether or not you have a baby. Losing your virtue doesn't matter, as long as you know that for as long as you live you'll have someone at your side who understands you, and who doesn't have to be shared with anyone else!'

The Escape Route Is In The Words In The Pages Of My Latest Read - How else do I escape the world where OCD exists?

The last few mornings I have grudgingly pulled myself away from the cosy bed covers and quickly pulled on my fuzzy bathrobe and slippers. The air is getting cold and fast!

Motivation to do anything especially while being under the early influence of Fluoxetine with its horrible toll it has taken on me *Damn you side effects! Damn you! You make me dizzy, you give me headaches, or was that from me walking into the door last night on my trip to the bathroom?*

They should market these pills as an effective diet pill of all things. I have lost my binging rights and my real hunger for food. Ignore me in the same way that my real mind does. Believe me for it is much better that way!

Anyways. The side effects have been relentless. I try to get up to do something -- anything but I soon find myself sat back down waiting for the opportunity to present itself when I can lift myself off of the couch and get back to dusting and the other mundane but important to my ocd tasks of the day.

I did find the motivation this morning to do the task of rearranging the bookcase. No motivation was actually needed because I can often be found in front of it with stacks of books all around me and a notepad, to write down any titles I forgot that I had. Somehow I rearranged it with room for at least another 15 maybe even 20 books to fit in. Okay, that might just be a really bad calculation paired with excitement and I am likely to find that I can only fit another 10 titles in there before it becomes crammed. Will I find that out after my excitement fades or when I find myself with 20 new books to add and where I am left with half with nowhere to go.

Hoarding books is excessive - possibly. Rearranging the book case - excessively - yes - constantly.

On a high note today, I am pleased with my latest purchase of Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. I am in love with the price tag of £1 and I am looking forward to reading it but only after I have finished The Diary of a Young Girl and then I may attempt my second hand copy of Claudius the God and His Wife Messalina by Robert Graves. I am really looking forward to it after I finished I, Claudius but it may be on the back burner if I can't bring myself to pick it up and open the pages. I am tempted to buy some latex gloves but then I read that they become porous after 20 minutes of wear. I know that I would be better off to face the fear but it is crippling me. It is a goal, let us finish at that!

The fruits of my labour. Don't be fooled, there is
a second row of books behind each shelf!

If only I could lay in bed and read for the day
-- But I would only fall asleep despite how
much I am enjoying the book!

  

Trick-Or-Treat -- Maybe The Ghouls, Ghosts and Goblins can scare away my OCD on Halloween night!

Brrrrr I can feel the chill in the air this morning! Still, Autumn is my favourite season and October is my favourite month. I don't mind the cold weather and at the moment I still keep the bedroom window opened just a tiny bit to let the chilly air through into the bedroom, all day and night. I love the weather here in Scotland, despite all of the rain, I just have a collection of umbrellas! You are an idiot to leave the house without one tucked in your bag because it is likely to start raining while your out even if there is not a rain cloud in sight, in Scotland they are all rain clouds and they will catch you out when you least expect it!

So, today I did manage a task and I am feeling quite proud of myself!

I braved the hall closet out in the communal hallway of our flat. Thankfully the students that are across the hall don't use it and for what we keep in there comes down to three plastic storage containers, Archie's cat carrier, the fan we use in the summer (very rarely) and some paint trays. So you might wonder what is so bad about going out into the hall closet? Well, it is full of spiders. SPIDERS!! EEEEEKKK I would never kill one but I am more than frightened of them. I would go as far as saying a phobia. I will cry, I will scream, I will jump on top of furniture and scream for help as if death is trying to touch me. Oh I hate them so much, especially when they look like they are running on all 8 creepily thin legs towards me.

I did get in there as I constantly looked around and up and watching everywhere I moved and everything I touched and typical sods law the box I wanted to take out was at the bottom of the pile and if that wasn't so bad it had a trail of spider webs surrounding it. I did get it out but without lifting it. Thankfully none of the neighbors were in the hallway, being on the ground floor it is unavoidable to avoid them when they walk through the door. So, as I am pushing this container across the floor, squeamish and washing my hands and arms isn't something that can take away the feeling of spiders. Well, I got it in the flat and if it wasn't for avoidance I would have just taken what I wanted out of it in the hallway without dragging it through my doorway.

The end result. Halloween decorations! Ahhh I love Halloween!! It is right up there with Christmas in my books! Halloween isn't celebrated over here like it is back where I grew up. I have never seen a house decorated here, not even a pumpkin on the doorstep. I miss looking out the window and seeing the swarms of children walking down the street in groups trick or treating and waiting for the door bell so I can hand out candy to the kids who always end with a 'THANK YOU!' and seeing all of the costumes, especially the ones who make such a unique and fantastic effort! I miss seeing the houses so extravagantly decorated with the lights, the music, the man made graveyard with limbs poking out of the ground, the carved pumpkins with the elaborate designs and the simple faces, even the ones with the pumpkin 'guts' spewing out. You have to love it all. I never thought that a country could be so lame with the lack of Halloween celebrations but here in the UK they lack the enthusiasm in celebrating the night of ghouls, ghosts and goblins!

Every year that I have been in the UK I celebrate Halloween but I don't buy candy because we wont get anyone knocking at our door. I still lay out the newspaper on the floor with a pumpkin for my husband and one for myself to carve. We light them and set them out on our doorstep during the nights before and on Halloween night we light candles all around our living room, bring out all of the Halloween candy and spend the night watching cheesy horror movies.

It may not be the same as what I grew up with in Canada and maybe before my lifetime is over the Scots will soon learn how to celebrate this night in style, whether they learn to or not it won't change how I celebrate it now. All the same except for the lack of trick-or-treat-ers, and without them I have a new Halloween tradition with my husband and we also have time for an extra two cheesy horror movies that night.


I feel like I need more decorations! I won't be buying the pumpkins until a few days before Halloween, besides, they may look out of place with the fuchsias in bloom on the patio.

At least this pumpkin is safe from the carving knife!

Even the fake spiders creep me out!

Easy to do - I just melted a red candle
( Smells like cinnamon too yum!) over the white and
let it run down the candle --Thank you Martha Stewart!

Even the family joins in the fun

Archie is even joining in the fun - So as long as he puts
his toys away when hes finished with them.