Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Goodbye November! See you next year!

It is the last day of November and I can hardly believe my eyes and I had to look twice at the calendar to be sure! Where has this month gone??? I have barely finished let alone started anything that I set out to do this month and yes, I know, I have been ill with a nasty cold but that doesn't stop me from being so hard on myself even though most seem to beg to differ on that subject. Being hard on myself doesn't exactly get the job done any quicker or better so why should I be so hard on myself? Everything is there waiting for me to do and it is hardly going anywhere but the moment I manage to get one thing done I have set myself 20 other tasks to do.

I need to learn how to chill out, big time! and I am constantly told just that. I am too 'uptight' and 'serious' and I just can't let my hair down -ever. I don't like my hair down, it always tangles up and I refuse to have it cut because I can never seem to get it cut the way I would like it to be so I am better off with hair nearly down to my bottom then ending up with a haircut I always end up crying over! Not that I am vain, not at all but hair takes far too long to grow back!

I have started to think about the whole idea of 'new years resolutions' and most people tend to have the good intentions on things like, quitting smoking, going on a diet, joining a gym ... I am not going to wait until the first day of the new year to attempt to get my life back on track and as scary as it all seems I need to give living another try. I am learning a lot about not being able to live and that is bound to happen with 6+ months of not being able to do things I once did with some fear and hesitation but I still managed to do where as at the moment I am and have never been happy locked away. Avoiding everything doesn't work. It doesn't make anything better and it will get me nowhere for longer. It is a scary world out there and my mind is a much scarier place. I am probably safer in this world than I am in my own mind! But is it worth the risk?

Come on Margaret, don't be such a chicken, just go outside! NOOO!! I JUST CAN'T! Why can't you?? ...because I am scared. ... Oh! Not this again! ...Maybe we try again tomorrow.
*Everyday at the front door*

Tomorrow is another day but just telling myself that each and every day has lost all effect when tomorrow comes and I avoid even trying. I am not sure where to start at this point but I need to figure this out. I learnt one thing the other night. I have always been a bit of a 'loner' I am shy and quiet and I have never had many friends although! the ones that I could call friends were just that. Since I moved to the UK I have never seemed to meet anyone and for the first time in my life I feel lonely and I want to meet others and make new friends but I am not sure how. It feels worse than the first day of school. I am nowhere that lets me meet anyone and offer to share my juice drink and pudding in hopes of making a new friend. Now I just wouldn't let anyone drink out of my straw or eat my pudding. Is it supposed to be this hard to meet new people and make new friends? I mean, I have met people since I moved over but it is nowhere near the friendships I once had. I feel selfish for thinking it and saying it but is this what happens when you grow up??

Monday, 28 November 2011

I wrote my mother, I wrote my father, And now I'm writing you too. I'm sure of mother, I'm sure of father, And now I want to be sure of you.

Is it really nearing the end of November already?? It only feels like the month has just started!

I am sitting here at the kitchen table with the laptop and Archie is chasing around bits of paper on the floor. Who needs to buy 'cat toys' when you can give them paper and half an hour later I will find him curled up somewhere napping after being played out. Who am I kidding, half an hour??! more like 5 minutes.

The Andrew Sisters is in the back round during my frantic cleaning session that has been abruptly distracted with my blog this morning. My constantly viral and side effects have kept me from dusting and doing the usual household chores for almost a month. The flat is still clean to look at but if you go looking for dirt it will be found but after today you will not even find a cat hair. As long as all distractions are at bay.

I want to get ready to decorate for Christmas but I promised Nick that I would wait until the first of December but it has not stopped me from putting out a Christmas themed dish cloth and a few other little things. I am not ready to face the spider infested hall closet to reach the tree. I am so not ready to face that closet that my Halloween decorations are still sitting in the hallway. I struggle so much to leave the flat that I cannot even get myself out into the outside/inside closet! I couldn't even tell you the last time I took out the garbage or washed the patio and with the high winds one of my climbing plants have toppled over and I will need to trim it back - When - I do not know.

It will be a busy day of cleaning and that I am looking forward to. It feels like old productive me with a hint of the usual distraction. I am also working on a skirt for the tree, sewing on little white beads and embroidering snowflakes and seeing what else I can do with a large piece of leftover midnight blue fabric. I have the fabric bought to make our own Christmas stockings too and the snaps for some handmade crackers! Now I just need to find my creativity. I am sure that I stuffed it in a drawer with everything else, including a bill that is now overdue (oops..)

Oh and I need to finish making the Christmas cards and find my address book which has also been stuffed into a drawer somewhere and make sure that they are sent for the first of the month. I hope that I can make time for Charlotte Bronte and a cup of tea tonight!

Monday, 21 November 2011

Left Foot Left Foot Left Right right...right...left left??? foot?? huh?

This morning was a morning of routine. Nick is back to work after 9 days of holidays and that means I am back to crawling out of bed at the same time - Although I wait until he is in the shower before my sorry excuse for crawling out of bed could be viewed. What has happened to me? I am a morning person! I love morning, I love the crack of dawn, the sunrise, the crisp air and the quiet! Morning is the best time to get things done so why did I crawl back into bed after Nick left for work. No, not only did I crawl back into bed but I took Northanger Abbey with me and I switched on the electric blanket. I read for about an hour and started to feel my eyes gain weight. I switched off the book and blanket and I closed my eyes. I woke up at 11:00 and it felt like a guilty pleasure.

My day is slowly getting there. The laundry is on and I have attempted Zumba. Thankfully on the wii with all blinds and curtains shut! I tripped over my feet countless times, laughed at myself and now I feel tired out. Time for a cup of tea and catching up with Jane Austen. Oh, I still have housework to do but that work out has left me exhausted! If I ever have trouble sleeping at night I will just attempt to stumble over my legs - I would make a terrible centipede or anything with more than two feet! I don't think that I could bring myself to attend a class. I would die of embarrassment and shame and I would likely knock over everyone else with my stumbling. Can stumbling be a new dance? I think so, I have mastered it, I am a pro! No rhythm needed, no sense of direction and most of all its a work out on its own!

Anywho. Now that I am up and able and putting away this zumba disaster I am bringing out the photos of St Andrews.
I just love old buildings!

Nick and I at the beach. No, definitely not bikini weather in November!

I wanted to walk down the path and see the view of the beach
but it was private property, so I took a photo of the plaque instead!

The castle ruins. We didn't go through to tour them this time,
I would like to save it until family and friends visit.

One of the university buildings, there was so many it was
hard to keep track of! I envy those students!

Love the fall colours!

A happy detour. Slightly lost at one point thanks
to my weak bladder. It was worth it.

The golf course. Of course. tehehe.

Inverkeithing ... or as I called it .. Incarthinking.

I love not being able to pronounce the names of the places,
Not! .. I end up with Incarthinking and Nick will never let that
one down!

Who knew that golf could be so dangerous!

Saturday, 19 November 2011

St Andrews, Autumn Colours and Crisp Air - A perfect time to get away from the ocd, but it still tagged along. It must of hid under the car!

I am sitting here nearly falling asleep. I wanted to blog yesterday while the trip to St Andrews was still fresh on my mind. It still is but I just can't seem to get rid of this bug and feeling tired all of the time is getting the better of me. Thankfully the rash has cleared up and after a visit with my GP on Friday it was agreed that it is likely to be an allergic reaction. I just don't know what I could be allergic to and now it is constantly on my mind when I am wanting to have something to eat. I always have the same things in my diet, I am plain and boring and I don't tend to have anything different. I am allergic to dairy and I know that sometimes I am naughty and I can't resist a bit of ice cream or milk chocolate but I can't see that being the cause of the rash.

Anyways! Something other than ill health!

St Andrews was lovely. The trees were all in lovely fall colours, the air was crisp and the scenery was beautiful! We were there for just one night and it was such a big achievement and I am so proud of myself for managing to not only leave the flat but to travel 2 hours away and stay a night. Once we got into our hotel room I stayed in for the night. I couldn't face going out, not even downstairs to the restaurant to have dinner. Thankfully I had a good sized breakfast the next morning!

The next morning we went out to put our cases in the car once we checked out. I had no choice but to leave and I was anxious but it soon went down when I started to naturally enjoy myself. We walked along the beach and I collected some pretty shells. I got into a bit of a panic about my hands getting dirty and found the nearest public toilet to wash my hands which didn't help much but it was the best that I could do. We walked along the path by the golf course and then we headed towards the castle and cathedral ruins. I saw the university buildings and they were just beautiful. Overall a really beautiful place but it is so nice to just be home!

I will post photos later on, I need to have a rest before I can get myself to sort them out. I am just so tired

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

I Need To Charge The Camera!

The rash is still here, not where it originally was. It disappeared from one spot on my body and reappeared on another part of me. I am applying cream like an addict and taking the medication that was prescribed for it in hopes that it soon starts to fade away for good!

On a brighter note I am taking a little trip. It is just a few hours away but we are leaving tomorrow morning bright and early to spend a couple of days in St Andrews. I am attempting to get some laundry caught up before the night is over, quickly tidy up the flat and make sure that I have enough tea bags out because tomorrow my mother in law will arrive to take care of our over sized and over clingy cat, Archie.

Today is our 3 year wedding anniversary, despite going away tomorrow to celebrate we have already started by my breakfast being made for me this morning while I stayed in bed for an extra 20 minutes. I am really looking forward to going away tomorrow, a bit scared or if I admit to it .. very very nervous!

I will take lots of photos!

Sunday, 13 November 2011

My Quiet Life Soon Become Hectic! I am looking forward to crawling into fresh sheets tonight!

Two nights ago I was feeling more tired than usual. This viral infection really has got me down, mentally and physically! When I called it an early night I was in bed for no more than 20 minutes when I started to noticed patches of tiny bumps all over my legs, chest and arms. I could not stop scratching and I have to say, it felt like I had chickenpox's and that thought soon crossed my mind but somehow I was logical! I had chickenpox's at the age of 13 and it is very uncommon to have them a second time around.

At first I attempted to think nothing of it and try to just sleep. I felt exhausted but I just could not drift off so then eventually I called Nick through and asked him to have a look at me. We both had the idea that this was something that I would have to go to the hospital for and that put me into a panic before the words left his mouth. Instead to try to find out what the problem was and if it was serious enough to go to the hospital we phoned the NHS24 helpline and after about 15 minutes of speaking to some very nice and helpful ladies I was asked if I could try to get myself to the hospital that night but if I could not get myself out of the house to phone them again. I did get out of the house and surprisingly for a Friday night this hospital itself was quiet! I must have waited 20 minutes and not a moment longer!

The doctor was a male and normally .. and this may sound odd, but I do get more frightened having to talk to men than I do women. He was lovely though, very kind and understanding. He cleaned off his stethoscope before using it and when I started to cry and apologized profusely for asking him to do such ridiculous things but it was just because I could not fight it he then quickly told me that I didn't need to apologize and it wasn't a problem and he has actually had many other OCD sufferers in his office before and he understands just how crippling the illness can become if it is left untreated.

I was never rushed out of the office. I was checked over and given a prescription for some pills, cream and lotion to help keep my skin from getting dried out from the cream. The doctor also spoke to me about my previous treatment and asked if anything was being done for me at the moment and if I wanted to try CBT again. I explained how put off I had been with the last two therapists and the approach and he agreed with me that I was being flooded and clearly it has put me in a worse state now that I have been left to my own devices, especially after I was given another therapist who would only see me 4 times before she went onto maternity leave.

Despite the bad experiences with the therapists I am still going to try the CBT again. I need to for my own well being. I am just not strong enough to bring myself to it just yet but I hope to get there eventually. As for the visit to the hospital it went much better than the images in my mind. I was so worried that I would be poked and prodded with needles and made to stay in over night I was worked up into a panic attack. When the doctor told me that if the rash doesn't start to go down then he would like me to come back in for tests I just broke down in tears. I looked a right state! But I understood the importance of it and the doctor had more than his weight in gold of patience!

I am still a bit itchy, I broke out in a rash on my wrist earlier tonight after Sunday night dinner at the inlaws. I am home now and able to relax. Well.. only for a short time because I must put the sheets on the bed and the clean laundry away and then be up for 6am to pop into my work place to have a word with the assistant manager before anyone else comes in. I don't mean it in a harsh way towards anyone that I work with, or had worked with but I just cannot bare to see anyone just now and seeing the assistant manager is a bit of a struggle. I have not seen him in over 6 months and I have spent the last 6 weeks trying to get out of the house to visit him.

I would also like to try to go down to the inlaws .. I have a pile of books from the closet from Nicks great grandfather! There are so many old books in there and I would just love to borrow them! My kindle now has over 160 titles on it and that does not include the reading list from the book case and now a new list of books to be on the look out for if I can manage a trip to the library! I am in heaven! Heaven!

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

OCD, Weather, Guilt ... Nope! No guilt here today!

I wonder if the weather plays much of a part in how we are feeling. I often feel the effects of damp weather on my joints thanks to Fibromyalgia Syndrome! But when it comes to moods or the severeness of OCD from one day to another. I like the colder weather even though my joints ache and makes an awful creaking noise when I get up too quickly. I like the rooms slightly darker, with mysterious looking shadows covering the walls and furniture. I also like that a cup of hot chocolate has never tasted so delicious! Books are read differently, instead of being taken outside to enjoy the heat of the sun I end up taking them into a little corner of the couch, under the light a blanket and a hot drink, any kind of drink so as long as it is hot and caffeinated!

I have had books on my mind over the last few weeks and finally I have allowed myself to have something that I wanted for a long time. Can a long time be a matter of months? I wanted a kindle but for so long I just didn't allow myself to have that kind of money spent on myself. I always feel guilty if I spend too much on myself, whether it is clothes, shoes or a gadget of some kind but it needs to stop. I can't feel guilty for having something that I enjoy and boy do I ever enjoy this magical little device. Don't get me wrong, it could never replace books but it has opened me up to a world of books that I wouldn't have read and it is a vast and great world out there!

I refuse to feel guilty. Instead I coo with glee each and every time I pick up this little device. 83 titles downloaded for free. I am currently reading Jane Austens Northanger Abbey and loving it! OCD you will not win this round with your guilt trips.

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

The Sincere Avoidance of a Smile. A frown is always much easier these days.

I started to attempt to write a post yesterday afternoon about avoidance. Well, I soon avoided that subject so let me try this again. Oh, wait -- hold on a moment, the washing machine has just stopped and I need to hang up the sheets to dry. You would understand, wont you? I mean, it is a dry day, slightly cold but it is dry and the air is crisp and the bed sheets would smell lovely if I could just put them out for a few hours.

...No no, I am not avoiding this post. Not in the slightest!

I always feel a relief when I can avoid something that I can't face. Whether it is the colour red or an odd number but it is never long until I feel disgusted and angry with myself for avoiding these and many other things. If I stopped avoiding them and just got on with it I would of course feel distressed and anxious and no doubt I will have a panic attack or two! Eventually I will calm down and maybe not avoiding these things for a second time around would come a bit easier? No.. not in my experience but that is only because I am so quick to give up and refuse to try again until the desperation kicks in! I really am left here alone in this flat day in and day out as if I am locked up with no escape. The keys are missing and I am having a constant confrontation with my own self to where we left them last! Instead of looking for a way out I give up before I even start. I find myself in another world of my own kind, in my mind. Almost like a third mind. Staring into space with the complete numbness of the silence around me with nowhere to go and nowhere to be. I have hardly persuaded myself to leave the house lately. I am throwing my hands up in the air, this is complete maddess! What have I done? Nothing. Nothing at all and I am not enjoying it.

Goodbye October, see you next year. Hello again November, it is so nice to see you again. Would you be so kind to show me the most beautiful autumnal foliage in colours that could not even be created again, not even through a talented artists brush and maybe just that could tempt me out with my set of keys in hand, shoes on the right feet and I could take a long walk and come back with the crisp air on my clothes, mud on my shoes and the once normal feeling in my heart and my soul could feel light once again. I might even give you a smile on my face, lips curled upwards and maybe even a slight glow in my cheeks to show the sincerity of this rarity.