I could be bitter. I have what seems to be a sinus infection that has teamed up with my OCD and they are trying to make my life hell. *Trying* Everyone gets sick, everyone, so I keep telling myself! It just happens that the day last week that I willingly left the flat to go to the library and meet Nick off of the train and got a few messages just happened to be when my throat felt roughly dry and I started to sniffle. No sooner than my return home it was in full force and I should have stockpiled tissues.
Now, I can handle a migraine, what I can't handle is the common cold! I have resorted to taking cold and flu tablets but because of that I just cannot feel comfortable with taking my Fluoxetine, as if taking a couple flu tablets and my prescription tablets will make a deadly cocktail. As if, but my OCD is telling me otherwise and I just cannot risk it.
So, 3 days or so without my Fluoxetine hasn't been entirely bad. I have been so caught up with being tired and struggling for breath that my very own symptoms of madness barely get through to me, that or I am just too tired to give it any attention but just wait until I am on the mend, I will be forced to give it my full attention and I am sure that it will threaten me like it has never threatened me before.
Although .. and this is where I need to be somewhat serious. I don't think it is because I have been off of my Fluoxetine for 3 days that I am experiencing hallucinations. I have been experiencing these hallucinations for many many years. Since my early teen years to be quite honest! It is nothing new but new for me to speak to the professionals so bluntly about it. I know maybe 90% of the time what is real and what isn't and when I am so certain is real to be told its not only leaves me in a state of confusion and then I just get on with things. This morning I knew that the giant crow standing in the bedroom wearing a pirate costume and laughing while the walls closed in around me were just a hallucination. I shut my eyes, I looked away I looked back and it was still there for a little while. After looking away a few more times it must have got the hint and flew back to its ship. Afterwards I joked with Nick, who needs drugs, all you need is an illness of the mind and you are set up for life with laughs and the most random things that you will ever see in your life, and all for free and no ill effects ..other than losing your mind - of course!
Oh, and an update on my writing a book, I am still slowly getting there but with every pause to blow my nose and wash my hands has taken up more time than I would have liked. I have barely wrote a thing all weekend but I have been keeping track of all my ideas. I more of less have the middle written out in my head but I need the beginning and and ending still .. and I need to put it where others can read it .. since people aren't really mind readers ...
Monday, 16 April 2012
Thursday, 12 April 2012
The Mood Changes - Oh how it changes!
Alright, I think that my lack of energy along with losing love for everything is slowly passing. I can't help but tuck myself away from the world whenever my mood changes to the ultimate lows, if anything I feel safer and more comfortable away from the world during those times but I also feel that I keep the ones I care about safer if I keep them at a distance from my depressed state!
I wish that I could say that I have done lots and lots after my night out in the town to see that comedy gig but in all fairness it was rather tiring afterwards and it really did have that knock on effect and did I ever sleep and was I ever tired afterwards still. I felt like I could take on anything after such an achievement, adrenalin is such a liar.
I have been spending most of my time reading and longing to write something of my own and I think that I have my idea for a book. Each and every part of writing something is scary, the beginning, middle, and ending not to mention the plot and how I lose my own plot most of the time so how in the world can I keep a made up plot??! Well, I just keep all of my scrap paper around and a pen at all times and when I think of something I write it down, if I don't write it down I will forget it instantly. If anything, the idea of writing a book has cheered me up in the past and at the moment it is cheering me up just by putting it into, or on paper for that matter!
I will need to get back to writing a different kind of writing, a different way of thinking and a whole different kind of escape!
I wish that I could say that I have done lots and lots after my night out in the town to see that comedy gig but in all fairness it was rather tiring afterwards and it really did have that knock on effect and did I ever sleep and was I ever tired afterwards still. I felt like I could take on anything after such an achievement, adrenalin is such a liar.
I have been spending most of my time reading and longing to write something of my own and I think that I have my idea for a book. Each and every part of writing something is scary, the beginning, middle, and ending not to mention the plot and how I lose my own plot most of the time so how in the world can I keep a made up plot??! Well, I just keep all of my scrap paper around and a pen at all times and when I think of something I write it down, if I don't write it down I will forget it instantly. If anything, the idea of writing a book has cheered me up in the past and at the moment it is cheering me up just by putting it into, or on paper for that matter!
I will need to get back to writing a different kind of writing, a different way of thinking and a whole different kind of escape!
Tuesday, 27 March 2012
What a Funk! When does it end??! It must end, it must!
Lately I find it hard to do anything, even the things that I so desperately want to do and now I am trying to put my foot down. I love my blog, I love to write and why should I stop just because I am feeling sorry for myself!
Not that I was intending to stop but if anything my lack of energy and motivation kept my computer from being switched on.
I had a wonderful weekend and even the Monday wasn't so bad. It had been very tiring but I want to share.
My husband and I went out on Saturday night. I had bought the tickets months ago with much much anticipation to see Jon Richardson. I absolutely adore the man and the anticipation throughout Saturday gave me a tummy ache! Not only did we get to see him live but we somehow managed front row centre seats. Yes, I know with being front row there is a chance of being put into the situation of being spoken to during the show and that didn't happen. Not really.
This is how it went - The woman beside me got up to use the loo .. and I was already bursting, with having too many drinks before the show .. the trip to the pub before the venue clearly did me no favours. It was pointed out that she had left for the toilet and the fear had begun that if I were to leave he would too make the face and I would be singled out but in a funny kind of way. Well. I could not wait, I was bursting. Before she even came back I was off and out of the corner of my eye I saw the look on his face and I laughed out loud and shouted to him 'Just 2 minutes' and holding up 2 fingers (in a polite way of course!) 'Just wait, I will be just 2 minutes!' My face was red through complete embarrassment and somehow I put on a smile and laughed and joked and somehow made it to the loo and back in those 2 minutes, or so I hoped!
After the show was finished I was gutted, it was so great that I hardly wanted it to end! I asked my husband if we could wait outside in hopes of catching him on his way out. So badly did I want to meet him and to tell him not to give up on love and to hopefully if he didn't mind, to sign a copy of his book that I took with my just in case.
The place was cleared out and no one was out there afterwards to my surprise! A Saturday night standing around in Glasgow isn't my idea of safe or fun but somehow I had some determination to say and mean it, 10 minutes. Well, he did come out and I spoke to him and he was lovely and so so nice and although it was a quick chat he had signed my book and my husband snapped a photo of us. An experience that had really had an impact on my low and horrible moods! He is such an inspiration, one who I do actually look up to and to meet such an inspiration had given me even an ounce of hope and determination!
As for the Sunday, well. It was a day of rest and with a hangover it was a much needed rest but as I was feeling so great my husband and I went out for a walk early morning along the canal and then during the evening we took a drive and walked along the reservoir that was just a short drive away.
I slept well that night!
As for Monday - oh this is becoming a long updated post!
I had an appointment, with being off of work for so long because of the OCD it was a mandatory thing. I was horrified but my husband took the morning off of work so he could take me there and be there for me. If he was not there I don't think that I could have managed it. The questions felt like an interrogation and I struggled to answer some and when it came down to the self harm I was honest about it, but when asked what I had done I became so upset I had to refuse to answer and the man, he was very nice about it.
After the appointment was over and done with Nick took me out for breakfast and I was to try to stay in city centre for the few hours until he was done work. I did try but as we said our goodbyes outside of his workplace we spotted two men running off with an armful of goods from one of the shops. As quickly as we looked away to not witness anything it still left me feeling rather spooked!
I walked down to George Square in hopes of sitting to read but it was full of people, go figure! It is a rare heatwave and of course it would be so full!
I wanted to go to the cathedral but I could not remember just where it was and my camera batter turned red.
I had enough. I text Nick to say that I was going home. I didn't even stop at the library on my walk home from the train station. Once I walked through the front door I felt much much better. No regrets. I tried and I managed 20 minutes in town on my own. Maybe just smaller steps next time.
It has been rather hectic and as for today. I just cleaned and cleaned and cleaned some more and read. This heatwave has made it too warm to drink endless cups of tea but it is well worth being able to sit out on the patio and enjoy the rarity of the sun in this country!
On one last note .. It is the kindness of everyone here and the comments that have perked me out of my mood today. Just earlier I had a new comment from someone on here and it had sent me into tears and a realisation that one reason for this blog is to be open to others in hopes of increasing awareness and to offer support for other fellow OCD-ers. The more open that we are the better the help that we can receive.
Not that I was intending to stop but if anything my lack of energy and motivation kept my computer from being switched on.
I had a wonderful weekend and even the Monday wasn't so bad. It had been very tiring but I want to share.
My husband and I went out on Saturday night. I had bought the tickets months ago with much much anticipation to see Jon Richardson. I absolutely adore the man and the anticipation throughout Saturday gave me a tummy ache! Not only did we get to see him live but we somehow managed front row centre seats. Yes, I know with being front row there is a chance of being put into the situation of being spoken to during the show and that didn't happen. Not really.
This is how it went - The woman beside me got up to use the loo .. and I was already bursting, with having too many drinks before the show .. the trip to the pub before the venue clearly did me no favours. It was pointed out that she had left for the toilet and the fear had begun that if I were to leave he would too make the face and I would be singled out but in a funny kind of way. Well. I could not wait, I was bursting. Before she even came back I was off and out of the corner of my eye I saw the look on his face and I laughed out loud and shouted to him 'Just 2 minutes' and holding up 2 fingers (in a polite way of course!) 'Just wait, I will be just 2 minutes!' My face was red through complete embarrassment and somehow I put on a smile and laughed and joked and somehow made it to the loo and back in those 2 minutes, or so I hoped!
After the show was finished I was gutted, it was so great that I hardly wanted it to end! I asked my husband if we could wait outside in hopes of catching him on his way out. So badly did I want to meet him and to tell him not to give up on love and to hopefully if he didn't mind, to sign a copy of his book that I took with my just in case.
The place was cleared out and no one was out there afterwards to my surprise! A Saturday night standing around in Glasgow isn't my idea of safe or fun but somehow I had some determination to say and mean it, 10 minutes. Well, he did come out and I spoke to him and he was lovely and so so nice and although it was a quick chat he had signed my book and my husband snapped a photo of us. An experience that had really had an impact on my low and horrible moods! He is such an inspiration, one who I do actually look up to and to meet such an inspiration had given me even an ounce of hope and determination!
As for the Sunday, well. It was a day of rest and with a hangover it was a much needed rest but as I was feeling so great my husband and I went out for a walk early morning along the canal and then during the evening we took a drive and walked along the reservoir that was just a short drive away.
I slept well that night!
As for Monday - oh this is becoming a long updated post!
I had an appointment, with being off of work for so long because of the OCD it was a mandatory thing. I was horrified but my husband took the morning off of work so he could take me there and be there for me. If he was not there I don't think that I could have managed it. The questions felt like an interrogation and I struggled to answer some and when it came down to the self harm I was honest about it, but when asked what I had done I became so upset I had to refuse to answer and the man, he was very nice about it.
After the appointment was over and done with Nick took me out for breakfast and I was to try to stay in city centre for the few hours until he was done work. I did try but as we said our goodbyes outside of his workplace we spotted two men running off with an armful of goods from one of the shops. As quickly as we looked away to not witness anything it still left me feeling rather spooked!
I walked down to George Square in hopes of sitting to read but it was full of people, go figure! It is a rare heatwave and of course it would be so full!
I wanted to go to the cathedral but I could not remember just where it was and my camera batter turned red.
I had enough. I text Nick to say that I was going home. I didn't even stop at the library on my walk home from the train station. Once I walked through the front door I felt much much better. No regrets. I tried and I managed 20 minutes in town on my own. Maybe just smaller steps next time.
It has been rather hectic and as for today. I just cleaned and cleaned and cleaned some more and read. This heatwave has made it too warm to drink endless cups of tea but it is well worth being able to sit out on the patio and enjoy the rarity of the sun in this country!
On one last note .. It is the kindness of everyone here and the comments that have perked me out of my mood today. Just earlier I had a new comment from someone on here and it had sent me into tears and a realisation that one reason for this blog is to be open to others in hopes of increasing awareness and to offer support for other fellow OCD-ers. The more open that we are the better the help that we can receive.
Thursday, 8 March 2012
The Long Awaited Appointment With Honesty.
It is surprising how much a rant and cry can help and not to mention all of the support that I have had from everyone around me. It felt good to let out the frustration and even after the sick to my stomach feeling for it slowly faded away I actually feel exhilarated and on the path to some sort of idyllic freedom. I don't even think that I am over exaggerating this and after my morning migraine I am feeling quite productive even if I have only managed to wash the kitchen sink and put on a load of laundry to wash. I plan to do more and I wont get ahead of myself here, baby steps all of the way. If I tire myself out then I will surely fall into the trap once again; lots of energy to no energy at all followed by even worse feelings of self loathing and god knows what else.
I spoke to my GP and it went well. I was open and honest about so much and it was utterly terrifying and I had the feeling as if I had just jumped out of a plane, climbed a mountain and swam across the River Thames. Meaning, it felt good but extremely tiring and it would explain why I fell asleep on the couch slumped over with a book in my hand and the cat on my lap for several hours once I arrived home safe and had a cup of coffee which had done me no good at all in staying awake!
Whenever I spoke to my GP I told her exactly how I felt, how I felt she betrayed me during my last visit when I first spoke about the hallucinations and the threatening voices and how she replied that she had to speak to someone about this to refer me to the right help. It was her duty to. She looked gutted when I told her how I lost the trust in her and how sick I felt once I realised that I just opened up about what was really going on over 3 weeks ago and how I didn't even book my weekly appointment last week because I could not trust her. I quickly told her that I understand now why she has to do what she had to do and I am not angry with her anymore and if anything I understand one moment why but sometimes it quickly changes back to betrayal and I don't like it because I really do feel that she is a professional that I can trust.
My GP was more than comforting and even though I was in her office for nearly a half an hour I at no point felt rushed and I didn't have to leave until I felt like I was ready to exit her office.
She told me that she didn't feel that my hallucinations were something new and she was waiting for me to open up and now that I have we can look into the right therapy and the right therapy will be the right help but I must try my best to be honest about everything even if I get scared. Even though while I just about poured my worst thoughts and actions out to her she couldn't help her facial expressions. The woman looked shocked and I don't blame her but I must admit, her shocked expression made me realise that these thoughts and actions are not right nor are they normal. I suppose that the road to recovery really is a long one .. I just hope that while I walk, jog, run, and hobble down this road there will always be people standing along side it with cups of water handed out in my direction!
I spoke to my GP and it went well. I was open and honest about so much and it was utterly terrifying and I had the feeling as if I had just jumped out of a plane, climbed a mountain and swam across the River Thames. Meaning, it felt good but extremely tiring and it would explain why I fell asleep on the couch slumped over with a book in my hand and the cat on my lap for several hours once I arrived home safe and had a cup of coffee which had done me no good at all in staying awake!
Whenever I spoke to my GP I told her exactly how I felt, how I felt she betrayed me during my last visit when I first spoke about the hallucinations and the threatening voices and how she replied that she had to speak to someone about this to refer me to the right help. It was her duty to. She looked gutted when I told her how I lost the trust in her and how sick I felt once I realised that I just opened up about what was really going on over 3 weeks ago and how I didn't even book my weekly appointment last week because I could not trust her. I quickly told her that I understand now why she has to do what she had to do and I am not angry with her anymore and if anything I understand one moment why but sometimes it quickly changes back to betrayal and I don't like it because I really do feel that she is a professional that I can trust.
My GP was more than comforting and even though I was in her office for nearly a half an hour I at no point felt rushed and I didn't have to leave until I felt like I was ready to exit her office.
She told me that she didn't feel that my hallucinations were something new and she was waiting for me to open up and now that I have we can look into the right therapy and the right therapy will be the right help but I must try my best to be honest about everything even if I get scared. Even though while I just about poured my worst thoughts and actions out to her she couldn't help her facial expressions. The woman looked shocked and I don't blame her but I must admit, her shocked expression made me realise that these thoughts and actions are not right nor are they normal. I suppose that the road to recovery really is a long one .. I just hope that while I walk, jog, run, and hobble down this road there will always be people standing along side it with cups of water handed out in my direction!
Tuesday, 6 March 2012
Neglected.
I have been neglectful lately of just about everything. Everything that I enjoy and things that I don't quite enjoy but need to be taken care of and then there are the things that I did enjoy but somehow seem tainted in the way that I avoid them completely without even realising.
I have more than neglected my blog, the people in my life and lately at times .. the housework. Who says OCD is all about cleaning anyways??! Yes, I didn't do the dishes last night after dinner and no, I did not do them before bed. No, I didn't even think about them while I lay in bed for hours trying to drift off to sleep. Instead I thought about the strings on my violin, a tune in my head and moving my fingers along while imagining the first song that I learnt how to play. Yes, I did wash those dishes first thing this morning along with the other mundane tasks of the day and I just feel nothing. Nothing at all. I don't even feel like me.
Wanting a better life, wanting my own thoughts and finding myself easily frustrated when trying to figure out how to get myself back into the education system where as I cannot even get out of the house for things I really should be doing. Reader - if you can feel my frustration it is only because I really truly am frustrated beyond belief! Ready to howl at the sun, do a rain dance in hopes of snow and including chocolate into a must have diet plan for gaining weight instead of a diet to lose the much hated flab that has accumulated around my waist line ever since that frightful day over 9 months ago that I went into meltdown mode. GAH! I could just scream at the world and punch Gandhi in the face. Why, Why?? I have no idea!
I am mad, mad I tell ya! Hear me roar, scream and kick up a fuss! I am an emotionally damaged mess and it has worn me out. Tomorrow is the next appointment with my GP and the last few days I have felt that I really need to open up and be straight forward and honest about what is really going through my mind and that I need help now and I want help now. It is all getting too much and the thoughts really do overcome who I am and what ever way that I thought that I was dealing with it clearly isn't working. If anything it has only made things worse.
Here is me admitting things that I should have told someone in my teenage years.
-I am addicted to starving myself. I binge and then I starve myself more. I used to be at a weight where I could count my ribcage. I used to weigh myself many many many times a day. Stand in front of the mirror to stare at my protruding bones. Wake up each morning to touch each and every rib with a satisfaction of what I was doing and just for fun I would tuck my fingers under my ribcage because I could.
I still have these thoughts, I have come a very long way since those days and it has only been because of my spouse. Those thoughts won't ever go away and I am aware that just like the OCD thoughts they won't go away and I need help to manage them.
I hallucinate - often. Whether it is visual or auditory it happens and daily. I had terrible hallucinations during my teen years and at one point they scared the living daylights out of me. I didn't know what they were at the time and looking back at it some 10 years later, well .. it never has gone away.
I am scared of the dark and often I need a night light. I always feel like I am being watched and sometimes I catch a glimpse of who is watching me. Sometimes they talk to me, shout my name or simply just put me down and tell me to just end it all now before I make Nicks life all the more worse.
I think about self harm - a lot. I have since my teenage years and I still do to this day. Whether it is scratching my arms up to the point where I cannot feel a thing to having to exit the shower before I can grab my razor. It has gotten to the point where I need someone to sit with me while I am in the shower in order to feel safe - as if the thoughts wont bother me because I have someone there to protect me. Often, I avoid the ironing and especially so if I am alone.
... I am tired already and it is really just the start of it. I don't want to say any more about it and already I am wondering if I should click to publish this. I cannot even begin to explain how exhilarating it felt for a moment to get it out in the open to feeling sick to my stomach for bringing it out in the open.
I have more than neglected my blog, the people in my life and lately at times .. the housework. Who says OCD is all about cleaning anyways??! Yes, I didn't do the dishes last night after dinner and no, I did not do them before bed. No, I didn't even think about them while I lay in bed for hours trying to drift off to sleep. Instead I thought about the strings on my violin, a tune in my head and moving my fingers along while imagining the first song that I learnt how to play. Yes, I did wash those dishes first thing this morning along with the other mundane tasks of the day and I just feel nothing. Nothing at all. I don't even feel like me.
Wanting a better life, wanting my own thoughts and finding myself easily frustrated when trying to figure out how to get myself back into the education system where as I cannot even get out of the house for things I really should be doing. Reader - if you can feel my frustration it is only because I really truly am frustrated beyond belief! Ready to howl at the sun, do a rain dance in hopes of snow and including chocolate into a must have diet plan for gaining weight instead of a diet to lose the much hated flab that has accumulated around my waist line ever since that frightful day over 9 months ago that I went into meltdown mode. GAH! I could just scream at the world and punch Gandhi in the face. Why, Why?? I have no idea!
I am mad, mad I tell ya! Hear me roar, scream and kick up a fuss! I am an emotionally damaged mess and it has worn me out. Tomorrow is the next appointment with my GP and the last few days I have felt that I really need to open up and be straight forward and honest about what is really going through my mind and that I need help now and I want help now. It is all getting too much and the thoughts really do overcome who I am and what ever way that I thought that I was dealing with it clearly isn't working. If anything it has only made things worse.
Here is me admitting things that I should have told someone in my teenage years.
-I am addicted to starving myself. I binge and then I starve myself more. I used to be at a weight where I could count my ribcage. I used to weigh myself many many many times a day. Stand in front of the mirror to stare at my protruding bones. Wake up each morning to touch each and every rib with a satisfaction of what I was doing and just for fun I would tuck my fingers under my ribcage because I could.
I still have these thoughts, I have come a very long way since those days and it has only been because of my spouse. Those thoughts won't ever go away and I am aware that just like the OCD thoughts they won't go away and I need help to manage them.
I hallucinate - often. Whether it is visual or auditory it happens and daily. I had terrible hallucinations during my teen years and at one point they scared the living daylights out of me. I didn't know what they were at the time and looking back at it some 10 years later, well .. it never has gone away.
I am scared of the dark and often I need a night light. I always feel like I am being watched and sometimes I catch a glimpse of who is watching me. Sometimes they talk to me, shout my name or simply just put me down and tell me to just end it all now before I make Nicks life all the more worse.
I think about self harm - a lot. I have since my teenage years and I still do to this day. Whether it is scratching my arms up to the point where I cannot feel a thing to having to exit the shower before I can grab my razor. It has gotten to the point where I need someone to sit with me while I am in the shower in order to feel safe - as if the thoughts wont bother me because I have someone there to protect me. Often, I avoid the ironing and especially so if I am alone.
... I am tired already and it is really just the start of it. I don't want to say any more about it and already I am wondering if I should click to publish this. I cannot even begin to explain how exhilarating it felt for a moment to get it out in the open to feeling sick to my stomach for bringing it out in the open.
Tuesday, 14 February 2012
Forget Baby Steps, I have done a bunny hop!
Today is Valentines Day, so the calendar, yahoo and all supermarkets say!
Of course I wished my husband a Happy Valentines day after I woke up and realised, oh that is today!
But no, I didn't get him a card or a stuffed teddy bear holding a heart and neither did he get me any of those things. We wont be going out for dinner and no he didn't buy me any jewellery, and if he did I would certainly be disappointed in him for spending money on something I don't tend to wear, and for what I do own it does me just fine when I need to put on a dress and high heeled shoes. I am just a plain Jane and I don't like a fuss being made.
This morning, the usual 6:30 rise and shine and the news being put on for the weather and travel updates the first thing mentioned the moment the sound was up enough for me to hear it, but not that the neighbours would be woken up by the question that was being asked 'What is the secret to a long and happy relationship' ugh, honestly? is what I said. What ever happened to common sense? Treating your spouse how you would like to be treated, yes yes, men are from Mars and women aren't but deep down don't we all want to be treated equally and be loved and shouldn't that be enough? I don't need gifts to know that I am loved and I would no doubt feel suspicious if a gift or flowers were bought for me, especially randomly like when I am not the one picking out a bouquet of something bright and cheery while picking out the weeks worth of ingredients for the meals. No doubt the OCD takes pleasure in making me feel paranoid and suspicious, then again when do I not feel paranoid and suspicious, even of strangers across the street. I think that I would almost rather be the OCD and not the person with OCD because it sounds like the illness itself is having a great time!
I am more thankful and happy for the times where my husband washed the dishes and he is thankful and happy that I have learnt to stop nit picking about the water and soap suds ending up everywhere on the counter tops, the floor and somehow the fridge. That is enough for me and if this Valentines Day he feels like doing the dishes and helping me to prepare dinner that is fab and if he feeds the cat too as I hate touching cat food, well that would be super!
On another note and this is one that I must share, photos and all!
I was searching on line for a bookstore in the West end of Glasgow and I just couldn't put a name to the place let alone the opening hours. I still am yet to find it but instead I found this amazing, breath taking shop with the description that sounds like something out of a dream that I would never want to be woken up from, well, except if the husband was to make a pot of tea. (Tea obsessed, yes.)
This place, this wonderful wonderful place has book cases from the floor to ceiling, filled with books, vintage books, slightly new books and some real treasures to be found. Not only are there the filled to the brim cases but books stacked from the floor to my own height and with only enough room to walk the circuit around the shop! It was heaven and I asked my husband upon finding this shop on line if he would drive me down and check it out and within an hour we set off! It makes me realise just how far that I have come and I am addicted and I must must must return to this place but I am afraid that it will be one of these magical places where it was there once but to never be seen again and that would be heartbreaking! and I am not being over dramatic.
HERE is the link with further information about this truly amazing shop and if you are in the area it is worth checking out! For those who aren't in the area, get your butts over to Scotland immediately or else you will not just risk missing out but because you surely will!
I am already counting the days until Saturday where I plan on going again. This time my husband will hopefully park the car closer to the shop, not that I grudge the 15 minutes it took us to walk there from what we thought was an alright place to park .. not that it wasn't but it turns out there were closer spaces that would have saved us at least 14 minutes and that could have been another 14 minutes spent on looking at all of these books. I will need to take more cash and more reusable carrier bags, being that the books are so so cheap, my 1898 copy of J.M Barrie's A Window In Thrums only set me back £1 where as a copy of PG Wodehouse 2010 hardback The Code of The Woosters was just £2.50 and my last purchase and how that happened that I only took away 3 books is beyond my comprehension! The second volume of the works of Francis Thompson Poems published in if I am correct, 1913 and again, £1 ..
I struggle with touching things, especially along the lines of such used books and yet my enjoyment overcame the worst of the thoughts. Yes, I did wash my hands a lot after touching the books and even when I touch them now that they are in my home I still find myself scrubbing away but that is not just a baby step, that is a bunny hop!
Of course I wished my husband a Happy Valentines day after I woke up and realised, oh that is today!
But no, I didn't get him a card or a stuffed teddy bear holding a heart and neither did he get me any of those things. We wont be going out for dinner and no he didn't buy me any jewellery, and if he did I would certainly be disappointed in him for spending money on something I don't tend to wear, and for what I do own it does me just fine when I need to put on a dress and high heeled shoes. I am just a plain Jane and I don't like a fuss being made.
This morning, the usual 6:30 rise and shine and the news being put on for the weather and travel updates the first thing mentioned the moment the sound was up enough for me to hear it, but not that the neighbours would be woken up by the question that was being asked 'What is the secret to a long and happy relationship' ugh, honestly? is what I said. What ever happened to common sense? Treating your spouse how you would like to be treated, yes yes, men are from Mars and women aren't but deep down don't we all want to be treated equally and be loved and shouldn't that be enough? I don't need gifts to know that I am loved and I would no doubt feel suspicious if a gift or flowers were bought for me, especially randomly like when I am not the one picking out a bouquet of something bright and cheery while picking out the weeks worth of ingredients for the meals. No doubt the OCD takes pleasure in making me feel paranoid and suspicious, then again when do I not feel paranoid and suspicious, even of strangers across the street. I think that I would almost rather be the OCD and not the person with OCD because it sounds like the illness itself is having a great time!
I am more thankful and happy for the times where my husband washed the dishes and he is thankful and happy that I have learnt to stop nit picking about the water and soap suds ending up everywhere on the counter tops, the floor and somehow the fridge. That is enough for me and if this Valentines Day he feels like doing the dishes and helping me to prepare dinner that is fab and if he feeds the cat too as I hate touching cat food, well that would be super!
On another note and this is one that I must share, photos and all!
I was searching on line for a bookstore in the West end of Glasgow and I just couldn't put a name to the place let alone the opening hours. I still am yet to find it but instead I found this amazing, breath taking shop with the description that sounds like something out of a dream that I would never want to be woken up from, well, except if the husband was to make a pot of tea. (Tea obsessed, yes.)
This place, this wonderful wonderful place has book cases from the floor to ceiling, filled with books, vintage books, slightly new books and some real treasures to be found. Not only are there the filled to the brim cases but books stacked from the floor to my own height and with only enough room to walk the circuit around the shop! It was heaven and I asked my husband upon finding this shop on line if he would drive me down and check it out and within an hour we set off! It makes me realise just how far that I have come and I am addicted and I must must must return to this place but I am afraid that it will be one of these magical places where it was there once but to never be seen again and that would be heartbreaking! and I am not being over dramatic.
HERE is the link with further information about this truly amazing shop and if you are in the area it is worth checking out! For those who aren't in the area, get your butts over to Scotland immediately or else you will not just risk missing out but because you surely will!
I am already counting the days until Saturday where I plan on going again. This time my husband will hopefully park the car closer to the shop, not that I grudge the 15 minutes it took us to walk there from what we thought was an alright place to park .. not that it wasn't but it turns out there were closer spaces that would have saved us at least 14 minutes and that could have been another 14 minutes spent on looking at all of these books. I will need to take more cash and more reusable carrier bags, being that the books are so so cheap, my 1898 copy of J.M Barrie's A Window In Thrums only set me back £1 where as a copy of PG Wodehouse 2010 hardback The Code of The Woosters was just £2.50 and my last purchase and how that happened that I only took away 3 books is beyond my comprehension! The second volume of the works of Francis Thompson Poems published in if I am correct, 1913 and again, £1 ..
I struggle with touching things, especially along the lines of such used books and yet my enjoyment overcame the worst of the thoughts. Yes, I did wash my hands a lot after touching the books and even when I touch them now that they are in my home I still find myself scrubbing away but that is not just a baby step, that is a bunny hop!
Thursday, 9 February 2012
Hello - It has been a while, I hope that you are all well!
Avoidance is such a silly thing when you think about it. Generally it is for some pretty silly reasons why I avoid things but at the time of avoiding you could not tell me just how silly it is without causing me to go into a fit of tears and panic.
I have avoided many things over the last few weeks and one of these things has been my blog. I just had nothing that I could write about that I felt worth anyone reading. It wasn't even a self pity thing and yet I am wondering just how much it is worth being read already. Instead of stopping where I am and deleting another start to another post I am going to keep on writing Got it OCD, I will not stop because this post is also for me!
I have done my usual over the last few weeks. Doctors appointments and another two trips to the library. Another 2 books read and nearly halfway through another. I started to make plans to go a further distance, this time to the Kelvingrove Art Gallery & Museum, one of my favourite places to spend a day and funny enough I have not been there in well over a year. Well, the thought excited me, I found which bus to take and what time to expect the bus to arrive and well, then it happened. The panic set in and I gave myself a migraine over the thought of it all! It made me give up on the thought of it all but today is another day and another thought... although the thoughts come and go as quickly as my cups of tea each and every day but I realise that what I want to do is something that I need to do and must do, how else will I ever become independent again?
Life doesn't need to be hard or stressful so why can't I take everything as it comes instead of taking everything out of proportion, out of context and turning into things that have not even happened and when given the time to actually think it through realise that the odds of it happening are the odds of my tea canister running out of bags. Yes, it happens sometimes but it isn't so bad when it happens, so as long as I have more to fill it up ... and if I don't then it is a trip to the supermarket and that solves that. All I am saying is, when a problem does appear ... it doesn't have to be overly frustrating to sort out what needs to be sorted, unless of course you have no energy or motivation and then of course that becomes a problem and like me, you would need more than a kick up the backside!
On a brighter note I have done something daring, exciting and unbelievable! I bought two tickets for my husband and I to see the comedian Jon Richardson in Glasgow this March and you just would not believe how excited I have been and not a panic attack over it as of yet. I have it marked on the calendar and it is a positive thing to spot on a bad day, that there will be a night in March that I am bursting with laughter because over all, he cracks me up and has got to be one of my favourite comedians, but it is hard to beat Billy Connolly, and it is also very hard to get tickets to one of his gigs!
I may go out today. It is not even mid day yet and the library doesn't open until 12pm. I have 2 books that I could return and a good hour or so of browsing that I would very much enjoy ... but getting out is still some what of a problem. I have been trying since Monday to return to the library, even as far as getting my shoes out just not on. Key in the door sort of ready and yet here I am. Complete and utter madness!
I have avoided many things over the last few weeks and one of these things has been my blog. I just had nothing that I could write about that I felt worth anyone reading. It wasn't even a self pity thing and yet I am wondering just how much it is worth being read already. Instead of stopping where I am and deleting another start to another post I am going to keep on writing Got it OCD, I will not stop because this post is also for me!
I have done my usual over the last few weeks. Doctors appointments and another two trips to the library. Another 2 books read and nearly halfway through another. I started to make plans to go a further distance, this time to the Kelvingrove Art Gallery & Museum, one of my favourite places to spend a day and funny enough I have not been there in well over a year. Well, the thought excited me, I found which bus to take and what time to expect the bus to arrive and well, then it happened. The panic set in and I gave myself a migraine over the thought of it all! It made me give up on the thought of it all but today is another day and another thought... although the thoughts come and go as quickly as my cups of tea each and every day but I realise that what I want to do is something that I need to do and must do, how else will I ever become independent again?
Life doesn't need to be hard or stressful so why can't I take everything as it comes instead of taking everything out of proportion, out of context and turning into things that have not even happened and when given the time to actually think it through realise that the odds of it happening are the odds of my tea canister running out of bags. Yes, it happens sometimes but it isn't so bad when it happens, so as long as I have more to fill it up ... and if I don't then it is a trip to the supermarket and that solves that. All I am saying is, when a problem does appear ... it doesn't have to be overly frustrating to sort out what needs to be sorted, unless of course you have no energy or motivation and then of course that becomes a problem and like me, you would need more than a kick up the backside!
On a brighter note I have done something daring, exciting and unbelievable! I bought two tickets for my husband and I to see the comedian Jon Richardson in Glasgow this March and you just would not believe how excited I have been and not a panic attack over it as of yet. I have it marked on the calendar and it is a positive thing to spot on a bad day, that there will be a night in March that I am bursting with laughter because over all, he cracks me up and has got to be one of my favourite comedians, but it is hard to beat Billy Connolly, and it is also very hard to get tickets to one of his gigs!
I may go out today. It is not even mid day yet and the library doesn't open until 12pm. I have 2 books that I could return and a good hour or so of browsing that I would very much enjoy ... but getting out is still some what of a problem. I have been trying since Monday to return to the library, even as far as getting my shoes out just not on. Key in the door sort of ready and yet here I am. Complete and utter madness!
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