I had such a bizarre dream last night. It was only a short dream because I soon woke up as I do every night countless times!
I dreamt that I was standing in my old bedroom in the house that my father built. I saw the lilac bedroom walls with the sheer white curtains moving in the breeze of both windows. My white dresser with the bookshelf with every children's title that was once owned held in that shelf. I wanted to take the books out but I couldn't reach them. I was upset but also very angry!
A very odd dream.
Wednesday, 19 October 2011
Tuesday, 18 October 2011
It is a rare occurrence for me to post twice in one day but here I am before I go to bed with a few passages that I have read this afternoon and wanted to share from The Diary of a Young Girl. I will end up posting these in my favourite books and quotes section but for now they are in a posting of their own. A very lovely but very heart wrenching read. From the moment that I started to read I felt like maybe the ending could end differently and it wouldn't end in the sealed fate that we all know of.
For a young woman she was certainly wise and witty.
Wednesday, 23 February 1944
'The best remedy for those who are frightened, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere they can be alone, alone with the sky, nature and God. For then and only then can you feel that everything is as it should be and that God wants people to be happy amid natures beauty and simplicity.
As long as this exists, and that should be for ever i know that there will be solace for every sorrow what ever the circumstances. I firmly believe that nature can bring comfort to all who suffer.'
'Riches, prestige, everything can be lost. But the happiness in your heart can only be dimmed; it will always be there as long as you live, to make you happy again.
Whenever you're feeling lonely or sad, try going to the loft on a beautiful day and looking outside. Not at the houses and the rooftops, but at the sky. As long as you can look fearlessly at the sky, you'll know that your pure within and will find happiness once more.'
Thursday, 2 March 1944
'Love, what is love? I don't think you can really put it into words. Love is understanding someone, caring for him, sharing his joys and sorrows. This eventually includes physical love. You've shared something, given something away and received something in return, whether or not you're married, whether or not you have a baby. Losing your virtue doesn't matter, as long as you know that for as long as you live you'll have someone at your side who understands you, and who doesn't have to be shared with anyone else!'
For a young woman she was certainly wise and witty.
Wednesday, 23 February 1944
'The best remedy for those who are frightened, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere they can be alone, alone with the sky, nature and God. For then and only then can you feel that everything is as it should be and that God wants people to be happy amid natures beauty and simplicity.
As long as this exists, and that should be for ever i know that there will be solace for every sorrow what ever the circumstances. I firmly believe that nature can bring comfort to all who suffer.'
'Riches, prestige, everything can be lost. But the happiness in your heart can only be dimmed; it will always be there as long as you live, to make you happy again.
Whenever you're feeling lonely or sad, try going to the loft on a beautiful day and looking outside. Not at the houses and the rooftops, but at the sky. As long as you can look fearlessly at the sky, you'll know that your pure within and will find happiness once more.'
Thursday, 2 March 1944
'Love, what is love? I don't think you can really put it into words. Love is understanding someone, caring for him, sharing his joys and sorrows. This eventually includes physical love. You've shared something, given something away and received something in return, whether or not you're married, whether or not you have a baby. Losing your virtue doesn't matter, as long as you know that for as long as you live you'll have someone at your side who understands you, and who doesn't have to be shared with anyone else!'
The Escape Route Is In The Words In The Pages Of My Latest Read - How else do I escape the world where OCD exists?
The last few mornings I have grudgingly pulled myself away from the cosy bed covers and quickly pulled on my fuzzy bathrobe and slippers. The air is getting cold and fast!
Motivation to do anything especially while being under the early influence of Fluoxetine with its horrible toll it has taken on me *Damn you side effects! Damn you! You make me dizzy, you give me headaches, or was that from me walking into the door last night on my trip to the bathroom?*
They should market these pills as an effective diet pill of all things. I have lost my binging rights and my real hunger for food. Ignore me in the same way that my real mind does. Believe me for it is much better that way!
Anyways. The side effects have been relentless. I try to get up to do something -- anything but I soon find myself sat back down waiting for the opportunity to present itself when I can lift myself off of the couch and get back to dusting and the other mundane but important to my ocd tasks of the day.
I did find the motivation this morning to do the task of rearranging the bookcase. No motivation was actually needed because I can often be found in front of it with stacks of books all around me and a notepad, to write down any titles I forgot that I had. Somehow I rearranged it with room for at least another 15 maybe even 20 books to fit in. Okay, that might just be a really bad calculation paired with excitement and I am likely to find that I can only fit another 10 titles in there before it becomes crammed. Will I find that out after my excitement fades or when I find myself with 20 new books to add and where I am left with half with nowhere to go.
Hoarding books is excessive - possibly. Rearranging the book case - excessively - yes - constantly.
On a high note today, I am pleased with my latest purchase of Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. I am in love with the price tag of £1 and I am looking forward to reading it but only after I have finished The Diary of a Young Girl and then I may attempt my second hand copy of Claudius the God and His Wife Messalina by Robert Graves. I am really looking forward to it after I finished I, Claudius but it may be on the back burner if I can't bring myself to pick it up and open the pages. I am tempted to buy some latex gloves but then I read that they become porous after 20 minutes of wear. I know that I would be better off to face the fear but it is crippling me. It is a goal, let us finish at that!
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| The fruits of my labour. Don't be fooled, there is a second row of books behind each shelf! |
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| If only I could lay in bed and read for the day -- But I would only fall asleep despite how much I am enjoying the book! |
Thursday, 13 October 2011
Trick-Or-Treat -- Maybe The Ghouls, Ghosts and Goblins can scare away my OCD on Halloween night!
Brrrrr I can feel the chill in the air this morning! Still, Autumn is my favourite season and October is my favourite month. I don't mind the cold weather and at the moment I still keep the bedroom window opened just a tiny bit to let the chilly air through into the bedroom, all day and night. I love the weather here in Scotland, despite all of the rain, I just have a collection of umbrellas! You are an idiot to leave the house without one tucked in your bag because it is likely to start raining while your out even if there is not a rain cloud in sight, in Scotland they are all rain clouds and they will catch you out when you least expect it!
So, today I did manage a task and I am feeling quite proud of myself!
I braved the hall closet out in the communal hallway of our flat. Thankfully the students that are across the hall don't use it and for what we keep in there comes down to three plastic storage containers, Archie's cat carrier, the fan we use in the summer (very rarely) and some paint trays. So you might wonder what is so bad about going out into the hall closet? Well, it is full of spiders. SPIDERS!! EEEEEKKK I would never kill one but I am more than frightened of them. I would go as far as saying a phobia. I will cry, I will scream, I will jump on top of furniture and scream for help as if death is trying to touch me. Oh I hate them so much, especially when they look like they are running on all 8 creepily thin legs towards me.
I did get in there as I constantly looked around and up and watching everywhere I moved and everything I touched and typical sods law the box I wanted to take out was at the bottom of the pile and if that wasn't so bad it had a trail of spider webs surrounding it. I did get it out but without lifting it. Thankfully none of the neighbors were in the hallway, being on the ground floor it is unavoidable to avoid them when they walk through the door. So, as I am pushing this container across the floor, squeamish and washing my hands and arms isn't something that can take away the feeling of spiders. Well, I got it in the flat and if it wasn't for avoidance I would have just taken what I wanted out of it in the hallway without dragging it through my doorway.
The end result. Halloween decorations! Ahhh I love Halloween!! It is right up there with Christmas in my books! Halloween isn't celebrated over here like it is back where I grew up. I have never seen a house decorated here, not even a pumpkin on the doorstep. I miss looking out the window and seeing the swarms of children walking down the street in groups trick or treating and waiting for the door bell so I can hand out candy to the kids who always end with a 'THANK YOU!' and seeing all of the costumes, especially the ones who make such a unique and fantastic effort! I miss seeing the houses so extravagantly decorated with the lights, the music, the man made graveyard with limbs poking out of the ground, the carved pumpkins with the elaborate designs and the simple faces, even the ones with the pumpkin 'guts' spewing out. You have to love it all. I never thought that a country could be so lame with the lack of Halloween celebrations but here in the UK they lack the enthusiasm in celebrating the night of ghouls, ghosts and goblins!
Every year that I have been in the UK I celebrate Halloween but I don't buy candy because we wont get anyone knocking at our door. I still lay out the newspaper on the floor with a pumpkin for my husband and one for myself to carve. We light them and set them out on our doorstep during the nights before and on Halloween night we light candles all around our living room, bring out all of the Halloween candy and spend the night watching cheesy horror movies.
It may not be the same as what I grew up with in Canada and maybe before my lifetime is over the Scots will soon learn how to celebrate this night in style, whether they learn to or not it won't change how I celebrate it now. All the same except for the lack of trick-or-treat-ers, and without them I have a new Halloween tradition with my husband and we also have time for an extra two cheesy horror movies that night.
I feel like I need more decorations! I won't be buying the pumpkins until a few days before Halloween, besides, they may look out of place with the fuchsias in bloom on the patio.
So, today I did manage a task and I am feeling quite proud of myself!
I braved the hall closet out in the communal hallway of our flat. Thankfully the students that are across the hall don't use it and for what we keep in there comes down to three plastic storage containers, Archie's cat carrier, the fan we use in the summer (very rarely) and some paint trays. So you might wonder what is so bad about going out into the hall closet? Well, it is full of spiders. SPIDERS!! EEEEEKKK I would never kill one but I am more than frightened of them. I would go as far as saying a phobia. I will cry, I will scream, I will jump on top of furniture and scream for help as if death is trying to touch me. Oh I hate them so much, especially when they look like they are running on all 8 creepily thin legs towards me.
I did get in there as I constantly looked around and up and watching everywhere I moved and everything I touched and typical sods law the box I wanted to take out was at the bottom of the pile and if that wasn't so bad it had a trail of spider webs surrounding it. I did get it out but without lifting it. Thankfully none of the neighbors were in the hallway, being on the ground floor it is unavoidable to avoid them when they walk through the door. So, as I am pushing this container across the floor, squeamish and washing my hands and arms isn't something that can take away the feeling of spiders. Well, I got it in the flat and if it wasn't for avoidance I would have just taken what I wanted out of it in the hallway without dragging it through my doorway.
The end result. Halloween decorations! Ahhh I love Halloween!! It is right up there with Christmas in my books! Halloween isn't celebrated over here like it is back where I grew up. I have never seen a house decorated here, not even a pumpkin on the doorstep. I miss looking out the window and seeing the swarms of children walking down the street in groups trick or treating and waiting for the door bell so I can hand out candy to the kids who always end with a 'THANK YOU!' and seeing all of the costumes, especially the ones who make such a unique and fantastic effort! I miss seeing the houses so extravagantly decorated with the lights, the music, the man made graveyard with limbs poking out of the ground, the carved pumpkins with the elaborate designs and the simple faces, even the ones with the pumpkin 'guts' spewing out. You have to love it all. I never thought that a country could be so lame with the lack of Halloween celebrations but here in the UK they lack the enthusiasm in celebrating the night of ghouls, ghosts and goblins!
Every year that I have been in the UK I celebrate Halloween but I don't buy candy because we wont get anyone knocking at our door. I still lay out the newspaper on the floor with a pumpkin for my husband and one for myself to carve. We light them and set them out on our doorstep during the nights before and on Halloween night we light candles all around our living room, bring out all of the Halloween candy and spend the night watching cheesy horror movies.
It may not be the same as what I grew up with in Canada and maybe before my lifetime is over the Scots will soon learn how to celebrate this night in style, whether they learn to or not it won't change how I celebrate it now. All the same except for the lack of trick-or-treat-ers, and without them I have a new Halloween tradition with my husband and we also have time for an extra two cheesy horror movies that night.
I feel like I need more decorations! I won't be buying the pumpkins until a few days before Halloween, besides, they may look out of place with the fuchsias in bloom on the patio.
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| At least this pumpkin is safe from the carving knife! |
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| Even the fake spiders creep me out! |
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| Easy to do - I just melted a red candle ( Smells like cinnamon too yum!) over the white and let it run down the candle --Thank you Martha Stewart! |
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| Even the family joins in the fun |
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| Archie is even joining in the fun - So as long as he puts his toys away when hes finished with them. |
Tuesday, 11 October 2011
No Shirt, No Shoes, No Socks, No Service
I don't know whether it is down to my OCD or my depression or something else all together but I constantly feel guilty for anything that I may enjoy. Buying clothes for an example is a struggle. Between my own body issues and feeling completely undeserving of something nice and new I end up not only leaving the shops empty handed with despair written all over my face but I never actually make it to the shops at all.
The few times that I have made it to the shops my husband always argues that if I like it that I should have it and even though part of me wants it I would rather put it back on the rack and leave it since I can't justify spending that £13 on that top or that £20 pair of shoes. Instead of me spending money on these two things my husband instead argues that hes buying it because he can justify the purchase. I have these two items and it has been weeks since the purchase. The top I have worn twice. Twice I have felt guilt with it on and every time I see it hanging up in my closet I think about how lovely it is but within seconds I go back to feeling like money could of and should have been better spent on someone else. As for the shoes I am still to wear them. They aren't my typical converse shoes, these have heels. They made me feel good when I tried them on in the shop but every time I tried them on in the house, attempting to break them in I quickly take them off and put them back in the box.
It bothers me to the extent of tears of these purchases. I don't understand why I should feel guilty but I just do. I hardly spend money on anything except for bills and the food shop and I don't think twice about spending money on anyone else, as long as it isn't on myself.
The few times that I have made it to the shops my husband always argues that if I like it that I should have it and even though part of me wants it I would rather put it back on the rack and leave it since I can't justify spending that £13 on that top or that £20 pair of shoes. Instead of me spending money on these two things my husband instead argues that hes buying it because he can justify the purchase. I have these two items and it has been weeks since the purchase. The top I have worn twice. Twice I have felt guilt with it on and every time I see it hanging up in my closet I think about how lovely it is but within seconds I go back to feeling like money could of and should have been better spent on someone else. As for the shoes I am still to wear them. They aren't my typical converse shoes, these have heels. They made me feel good when I tried them on in the shop but every time I tried them on in the house, attempting to break them in I quickly take them off and put them back in the box.
It bothers me to the extent of tears of these purchases. I don't understand why I should feel guilty but I just do. I hardly spend money on anything except for bills and the food shop and I don't think twice about spending money on anyone else, as long as it isn't on myself.
Sunday, 9 October 2011
Gobble Gobble
This year is the first that I am not sitting down to a Thanksgiving meal. I am giving my outdated kitchen a break as I am so thankful for all of the past meals that I have made without my oven giving up on me!
Thursday, 6 October 2011
Hello Fluoxetine, My Name is Margaret - Can we be friends?
Last night after my usual bedtime routine I sat down on my side of the bed. Glass of water on my night table and the box of 30 capsules. Slowly I took one of the pills out of the packet and even though it took me a few minutes of staring at the red and yellow capsule and thinking to myself 'is this really what I want to do?' I did it. I just did it, I had to do it. My OCD is relentless and it has given me no other choice. I am not longer going to look at the medication as a 'happy pill'
With nothing but my thankfulness to another blogger for her kind words, her view of the medication and I quote off of the comments page
''I will tell you one thing though... in my experience my meds are not happy pills. They are "help me move the thoughts along pills." I still feel depressed, sad, happy, silly-- everything I used to feel. The only difference is that instead of an OCD episode knocking me out for a few weeks, I only suffer for a few days and I can handle and identify the symptoms better to help myself more during those few days''
I don't think anyone has said anything as frank as this about the pills. It gave me a different way to look at them and without it I don't know how much longer it would have taken me to get there. I don't care what my past therapists think when it comes to their disapproval of OCD sufferers speaking to each other, without those other sufferers I would be in a much worse place then I already am. No one knows your OCD like another sufferer.
So here I am, glass held up with another pill to take tonight ''here is to good mental health and a way forward'' It is all gradual steps and this is one step that was gradually taken but better late then never. I am in no hurry to get back into treatment. I want to try this approach with the medication first and to at least find a way to help myself before I ask others to help me. Treatment is hard. I wouldn't put anyone off of going for treatment but I think that I just wasn't strong enough to cope with the demands but when I am strong enough to cope with the demands of treatment then I can see it being successful. Until then, I have a book called 'Brain Lock' by Jeffrey M. Schwartz that may be helpful. It is also a second hand copy and that alone is something that I have trouble handling and breathing once I open the pages are not only difficulty from a panic attack but I become too frightened to breathe in case I breathe in the germs off of the pages. I have not been to a library in over 2 years. 2 years of books that I could have borrowed wasted. I would have had to move on to another library to get my fix.
With nothing but my thankfulness to another blogger for her kind words, her view of the medication and I quote off of the comments page
''I will tell you one thing though... in my experience my meds are not happy pills. They are "help me move the thoughts along pills." I still feel depressed, sad, happy, silly-- everything I used to feel. The only difference is that instead of an OCD episode knocking me out for a few weeks, I only suffer for a few days and I can handle and identify the symptoms better to help myself more during those few days''
I don't think anyone has said anything as frank as this about the pills. It gave me a different way to look at them and without it I don't know how much longer it would have taken me to get there. I don't care what my past therapists think when it comes to their disapproval of OCD sufferers speaking to each other, without those other sufferers I would be in a much worse place then I already am. No one knows your OCD like another sufferer.
So here I am, glass held up with another pill to take tonight ''here is to good mental health and a way forward'' It is all gradual steps and this is one step that was gradually taken but better late then never. I am in no hurry to get back into treatment. I want to try this approach with the medication first and to at least find a way to help myself before I ask others to help me. Treatment is hard. I wouldn't put anyone off of going for treatment but I think that I just wasn't strong enough to cope with the demands but when I am strong enough to cope with the demands of treatment then I can see it being successful. Until then, I have a book called 'Brain Lock' by Jeffrey M. Schwartz that may be helpful. It is also a second hand copy and that alone is something that I have trouble handling and breathing once I open the pages are not only difficulty from a panic attack but I become too frightened to breathe in case I breathe in the germs off of the pages. I have not been to a library in over 2 years. 2 years of books that I could have borrowed wasted. I would have had to move on to another library to get my fix.
Tuesday, 4 October 2011
The Sludge is Very Hard to Wash Out of My Hair!
Before I upload the next set of photos I wanted to take some time to write.
I know that compared to how much I usually write, the month of September looks appalling! As much as I enjoy writing I just could not face writing much of what I have been going through. I didn't have writers block. When it comes to writing about a life with OCD writers block is impossible to have. Time can be impossible to find some days but writers block is just non existent in the world of my OCD.
I have been in an awful place over the last few weeks. I have gone back to feeling even less myself than usual. Like a dark cloud stalking me over head and when it rained it poured and what it poured felt like sludge seeping into my mind and I just become unable to think for myself. As if someone else is doing all of the thinking and I am the string puppet in the most depressing puppet theatre show in the history of puppet theatre! Instead of being beaten with a wooden stick I am being beaten with my OCD and it feels like it is winning. Always one step in front of me. Its behind the curtain! No, wait! It is behind me! Now its on the other side of the stage! I really just cannot get away from it. My mind generally doesn't feel like my own and no matter what I do or try to do I just can't. I end up doing everything that I don't want to do and when I want to just simply sit down and read I feel guilt for trying to take care of me.
I have decided to try the medication. I plan on getting my prescription filled and start taking them tonight. My fears of medication may be irrational but it is even more irrational to live like this. This is not living, not even in the slightest. I want to live but I don't want to live off of a happy pill. You know that saying, damned if you do, damned if you don't. That is exactly what it feels like BUT I could very well not be overall damned if I do. I just need to give it a try and then wait and see where this goes.
I know that compared to how much I usually write, the month of September looks appalling! As much as I enjoy writing I just could not face writing much of what I have been going through. I didn't have writers block. When it comes to writing about a life with OCD writers block is impossible to have. Time can be impossible to find some days but writers block is just non existent in the world of my OCD.
I have been in an awful place over the last few weeks. I have gone back to feeling even less myself than usual. Like a dark cloud stalking me over head and when it rained it poured and what it poured felt like sludge seeping into my mind and I just become unable to think for myself. As if someone else is doing all of the thinking and I am the string puppet in the most depressing puppet theatre show in the history of puppet theatre! Instead of being beaten with a wooden stick I am being beaten with my OCD and it feels like it is winning. Always one step in front of me. Its behind the curtain! No, wait! It is behind me! Now its on the other side of the stage! I really just cannot get away from it. My mind generally doesn't feel like my own and no matter what I do or try to do I just can't. I end up doing everything that I don't want to do and when I want to just simply sit down and read I feel guilt for trying to take care of me.
I have decided to try the medication. I plan on getting my prescription filled and start taking them tonight. My fears of medication may be irrational but it is even more irrational to live like this. This is not living, not even in the slightest. I want to live but I don't want to live off of a happy pill. You know that saying, damned if you do, damned if you don't. That is exactly what it feels like BUT I could very well not be overall damned if I do. I just need to give it a try and then wait and see where this goes.
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