Wednesday, 25 May 2011

Sky High Anxiety

Over the last month I feel like I have endless doctors appointments. It is nerve racking on its own because it means that I am forced to go out of my comfort zone. I know that is meant to be a good thing. A bit of exposure is never a bad thing so that is a positive note for this blog.

I had a doctors appointment today, funny enough. I was late leaving the house because of my checks. I was feeling too anxious because my doctor is on holiday so I had to see a doctor that I didn't know. On a plus side I got to the doctors office early only because I walked the shorter way even though it put my anxiety sky high. The short cut was not on the main road for most of the way, if something happened to me I don't think anyone would have taken notice. I had every scenario playing through my head and I had to remind myself that it wasn't real.

So, I had gotten myself to the doctors eventually and the receptionist made me feel really really bad about myself. There is this new checking in system on the wall that patients are meant to use. It is all touch screen and it is just something that I cannot touch. Too many people touch it and I don't think its clean and I am not going to touch it to go into a public toilet to wash my hands to make it even worse. So when I started to tell the receptionist that I had a 10am appointment with doctor ... and before I could finish she cut me off to tell me to check myself in at the touch screen.
I froze and I quietly said to the woman, 'I can't' She just looked up at me as if to say why, and I repeated, 'I can't, I suffer from OCD, I can't touch surfaces'
It's not as though she said anything nice or helpful. I just got this look from her, then she asked, 'date of birth?' and within 15 seconds I was signed it. How hard was that for her? not very. How hard was it for me? Extremely.

I had to sort out for my sick leave from work. I have been off for over a month now and I am trying my best to stay hopeful and sound hopeful about my return. Secretly I am absolutely dreading it but it has to be done eventually and maybe once I get there it wont be so bad. Secretly I have the fears running through my head about my return to work and it has turned into something that I can't switch off. So here are my worries listed below.

-I am going to get the train to work and I am just going to get back on to the other one and go back home.

-I will get to work and not be able to do what I am supposed to do and then be shouted at.

-I will serve someone at the till and then I will panic and wash my hands but I wont be able to stop washing my hands.

-Customers trying to make idle chit chat with me will turn into me thinking I have shouted and insulted them or the other way around, I will see it in my head and then I will spend the rest of the day trying to remember what exactly happened and if those things really did happen.

-The cleaning chemicals will get on my hands and I will panic and then wash my hands until it feels right and what if it doesn't feel right and I can't stop washing my hands.

-My hands will get so badly cracked and will bleed and it will be open to infection. Germs with handling money or chemical getting into my cuts will make me sick and I might die.

-I wont be able to do a full shift because one of the above will happen and I will rush home and then I will be constantly watching my back because I think someone might be following me to abduct me, rape me, torture me and I wont get to go home.

So I am aware that this sounds a bit mad but the thing is, when it is going through my head it is all too real and I am all too convinced that things will happen or they have happened. It is very frightening.

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