I think that the first post in a blog is the worst. There are too many possibilities and starting somewhere first is hard. This is my third blog. I keep Bazzle Dazzle for day to day things. I now have A Day In The Life Of OCD and I also have a private blog on OCD-UK. Since that blog is a private one I would like to put some of those blogs onto this one and then add things to this one that I don't feel like I could add onto that one. Oh I hope that doesn't get confusing but I like to write and for me writing is a good kind of release.
So, I have been suffering with OCD since my early teen years. I have memories from my childhood, around the age 6 of these thoughts and the fears. But I don't like to say that I have suffered with it since I was a child. Mainly because those memories are so few and far between and I hardly understood any of it at the time and I don't recall ever thinking anything of it either. I suppose I thought it was normal because it was all I ever knew and I don't actually remember a time where I didn't have these thoughts and fears but it also didn't scare me like it had done while I started into my teen years. Even in my teen years I didn't fully understand where it was all coming from but I knew it wasn't normal or right. I wish that I had the help that I have now. It may have turned out much better since I am not getting any younger.
I can have a good day where I hardly have any of the thoughts and the rituals that keep my fears at bay and the ones that I do have are only half as bad. That one good day can carry on to a few good days or a week and rarely several weeks. However with all of those good days in a row I get anxious because I know that out of nowhere the circle begins again and the bad days will start and they can also last just a day, or days, weeks, months. I just never know one day from the next. Anything can happen and it can set me back to square one all over again.
On the bright side I had spoken to my doctor about what was going on and I am still going through an assessment, another assessment actually. Soon I will start the right treatment and I will have a better way of understanding and coping with this illness.
At the end of the day it is a mental health illness and there is nothing wrong with that. Even though it is still a taboo for some and sadly an illness taken so lightly that it is also just a laughing matter for some. Even though it is not something that can be easily understood by most that even as a sufferer I have a hard time to understand it all sometimes.
I know how I feel and I know how hopeless it can be, how depressing and frustrating. Living in fear of just about everything and unable to live your life normally. Some people have no idea just how lucky they are and I envy them for that. It must be bliss but maybe my opinion on that is just bitter. I don't want to be bitter though.