I could spend my day writing, actually every day just writing. Although not on actual paper with a pen or pencil. I start out just fine, then I hate it and unlike typing I can't just go back and fix what I don't like. I have to rip it up and throw it in the bin and start over again. This is usually the case for about 4 or 5 attempts and then I just give up all together. This is a 5-10 minute process all together. Usually after the giving up part I make myself a giant coffee and do nothing. Nothing at all. Then I get restless, annoyed and very irritable.
I think that I spend more time annoyed with myself than anyone else. Every time I attempt to do something that is meant to be helpful followed by failure, well I don't think that I need to say how I feel but I will give a hint, It rhymes with bhite.
I managed to go out last night to see a band play in Glasgow. I was really looking forward to going when we bought the tickets months ago. Then the last month I started to dread the idea of going. Mainly the fact that I have a hard time to leave the house because of a recent set back and then because of how stressful the checking has become to being just completely afraid out leaving the one safe place and being surrounded by strangers and their germs. The thoughts of them going to the bathroom, not washing their hands good enough or not at all, then touching surfaces that I might accidentally touch.
I know that there is a certain stigma attached to OCD, being with germs and neatness and David Beckham with all of his cans of beer lined up front facing, all the same way or Katy Perry with freaking out if any pet hair gets on her clothes.
Well, I have to clean clean clean and no I don't enjoy it. On a really bad day I will clean things over and over again. If I want to go out I have to check everything in the house first, make sure that there is no electrical things on or plugged in. The only exception is the fridge.
Then making sure no water is running and that the gas stove is off and by that I have to run my hand over each switch 5 times and then I need to make sure all of the windows are shut and locked, even if they were never opened in the first place, even the patio door. I go around each room to do all of these things 5 times and it does take up a lot of time and this is only one of my many rituals that I have to do. It is annoying on so many levels but what is even more annoying is the times I leave the house to have to go back in to do it all over again. If you think that sucks then it gets worse, the times where I get to the top of the street to have to turn back to do it all again.
I always have to give myself extra time to do all of these things before I have to go out for work, doctors appointments and such. If I don't I will either be late getting there or worse of all not being able to get there at all.
One good thing that has happened despite my major setback at the moment is that I was able to get out of the house last night in decent time, although extremely anxious and just about every worse case scenario running through my head and having to remind myself and remember that none of those things happened and that its not real and its just the OCD. I went out to see one of my favourite bands play. The venue was crowded, it was hot and stuffy but it was also a big achievement. I stayed for the entire gig.
Even though I stayed in the back of the venue to watch it all which before I would have been right up front having all of the fun I still had some fun followed by 'what if this ceiling collapses and we all get trapped' to being so distracted by that thought and several others that I missed part of the show.
At least one bonus, it was so loud that I heard a constant buzzing in my ears all night, which meant that when I went to bed I didn't hear anything that wasn't there. Yes, I hear things that aren't there. I don't know if that is part of the OCD or something else all together. I really am a bag full of illnesses. Stay away in case its contagious.