I am trying to find some humour in today. At least there is enough hours left in the day for something good to happen.
I found it really hard to leave the house today. I knew well enough ahead of time that I was going to struggle with this and it was the usual. I mean, what is so different from one day to another when all of the routines and checks are the same. Maybe identical? Likely. but I am so hurt, annoyed and frustrated right now that I having a hard time to stay positive and to keep this blog a nice positive place and I am only on my second posting. sheesh. I swear I am not a negative person. I promise. Now will the negativity go away? Please?
I made sure to leave the house early enough that if I had to turn back to check everything all over again (yep, it felt like one of those days) then I would have enough time to turn back, do it all over again and walk back to catch my train. Thankfully I never turned back. I kept reminding myself that I checked the stove and everything else the usual 5 times and I even listened for a gas leak and there was none. Everything was in the clear.
I made it for my appointment half an hour early. I was so impressed and even more impressed because I remembered my book. So at least that half hour waiting wouldn't drag by. Before I knew it I had been there for an hour. Not that I was so caught up in my reading material that I lost track of time. No, I checked the time what it seemed like every five minutes. I was getting more and more anxious by the minute. I even started to fear that I would have to make a trip to the ladies toilet and I would miss my appointment slot and then I would get into trouble and taken off of the list again. Every possible outcome made me forget that slight urge of a visit. Just like when your watching t.v and you feel like you need to ah, and then you get so caught up in your program that you forget about it.
I couldn't understand why I had been waiting so long. I mean I checked in, stated my time of appointment, name and who my appointment was with. I was told to have a seat and here you might think, silly girl. You didn't have an appointment that day or you were scheduled earlier or later on in the day. Well. No. They forgot that I was there. If I had ever felt invisible it was definitely for those 40 minutes after my appointment should have started that I was still there. The whole time people coming and going. The staff stopping in font of me to the water cooler for a drink. Eventually, and I think eventually fits here. Not that I was acting impatient. I was actually too nervous to go up and say anything, but then the same woman who checked me in called down to me, asking who I was and whom I was waiting to see.
Within 5 minutes my therapist was rushing down the hallway, very apologetic. Once we were in her office I could see how annoyed she was. She assured me that this never happens and she is deeply upset and angry that they never called her to say I was in. Especially the fact I was so early and every other appointment that I have with her she will personally come out and make sure that I have arrived if she hasn't had word.
So once all of that was over with I had a 20 minute session. Fair enough that I was very agitated but I wish I prepared myself better because I have never rushed home so quickly in my life.
I had a call on my mobile phone while I was walking home. Not knowing who it was I declined. I couldn't handle much more as it was. Eventually when I arrived home, quickly unlocked the door, rushed in, locked the door and checked twice that it was locked I finally breathed.
I got myself settled in and then I picked up my phone to dial that number back. This is where the positivity comes in because I struggle to talk to strangers, even over the phone. So here I am, calling a number that I have no idea if I know that person on the other line. Well, unfortunately I did.
The new manager of the cafe I work in. She hasn't spoken to me once since I had my complete break down and had to call in sick. I am still on my sick notes and the doctors are reminding me that there is no rush and it is important that I get back on my feet before rushing back to work when I clearly can't handle leaving the house.
Well, she starts by asking how I am doing and what can they do to get me back in the workplace and soon and I am left standing there thinking, is she out of her mind? I can barely leave the house and she knows that. She tells me how she phoned HR and that she would like to come see me at my home, since I am unable to leave the house. To discuss my 'condition' and for myself to give them some notes on it.
Every time that this replays in my head and believe me, it wont stop. As much as I would like it to it wont stop. It seems to get worse and worse. I am in a bad enough state as it is and I couldn't stop crying though, I still can't. I don't even know what she can and can't do.. I don't enjoy being off of work, I want to be normal and live a normal life. Go out my front door without resulting into a panic followed by a fit of tears. I am especially scared if I'm forced out of my job. I don't know what is worse. Being forced back before I am ready or forced out completely
I am feeling like a failure most days but then I don't want to go around feeling sorry for myself. I don't want to come across as either one but I am finding it hard to keep at it and to not give up.
-This blog was something previously written but edited. This is about 4 weeks old. Like a puppy.