I am sure that it is not unusual when starting a blog of any kind you think 'Where do I start?' But seriously. Where do I start?
I suppose that I would like a blog that is possitive even if my entry isn't on the most possitive days, which I have not had many of those in quite a while and I would like them to come back, soon.
This is the start of my therapy and I hope that my new journey through this is a good one. I will try to remain optimistic and hopeful, despite how hopeless it can feel at times.
So here I go. First day of therapy. Almost like a first day at a new school.
You don't know anyone there and you have no idea which way to turn down the corridors to get to which ever room your meant to be going to, although they all look the same anyways.
Getting out of the house has been torture over the last few weeks. I can actually count on one hand how many times I have stepped foot out there in these past 3 weeks. Some outside activity has been successfull and other times not so much. I guess it it better to forget about those unsuccessful times and remind myself the times that I enjoyed and how good it felt.
So here I am, trying to leave the house on time. To be exact, 5 trips around the house to check that everything is off and unplugged. No taps or toilets are running and the gas stove is completely off. Only 15 minutes late getting out of the house, not so bad.
Once I get to the train station I realize that I had missed the earlier train and the next one is delayed. Seriously. No snow, no ice, not even a drop of rain in Glasgow. There was sunshine! Eventually it was cancelled and I was going to be late. I felt anxious enough as it was and trying to keep a smile on my face without bursting into tears and rushing back home was difficult.
Eventually I make it to the clinic. I asked the receptionist where I was meant to go. She pointed down to the stairs and off I went. To be told by the next receptionist that it was actually upstairs that I was meant to go. After trying to pay attention to her directions and trying to remember them off I went.
I made it upstairs and could not remember for the life of me where I was supposed to go. Thankfully this place was just full of receptionists. So here I am, asking a third one where I am meant to go. I said, I have an appointment with dr ... and I am not sure where to go.
As she tilts down her glasses and takes a look at me, it is apparent that she doesn't understand what I am saying. Is it my accent? am I doing that thing when I talk where it is not quite loud enough, I babble a bit and my Canadian accent is definitely there. So it is! So I am! Not again..
She replies... 'Are you here for the weight management sessions?'
........ Ok I can laugh at that now
I quickly shake my head, I look down, next to tears. I was frightened enough as it was but now extremely self conscious. She gave a list off the top of her head of the other departments. Is that the right word? Departments?
Eventually she said the right one and I could only muster up enough to shake my head yes, and she pointed down the corridor and I was off.
Forth receptionist was a success!
This was the first therapy session. The woman seemed nice but I am still wary. What if the therapy she is using on me is all wrong? what if some of the questions I couldn't be totally honest answering because I am so ashamed and it will affect my treatment from being successful. Well that part happened. Some questioned I got so flustered I could hardly answer. I maybe looked at her a few times while she spoke to me. But here I am, a grown woman, staring at the floor through the majority of this session.
I don't know why I don't remember more of the session, I remember every step getting there but that is about it. Well that and the questions I couldn't bring myself to answer truthfully. And the ones that I did, I had a whole other set of questions too, 'why?'
And I really didn't want to tell her why. Could I tell her that? could I say to her, 'I don't want to tell you why' I don't think it would be wise, what if she kicks me out of her office and tells me to stop wasting her time?
This is difficult, but as the woman says, we are going to aggressively tackle your OCD. We are going to have a zero tollerence policy towards it. I don't know if I like the aggressive approach. What if she takes this on too quick and I get frightened off like my driving lessons?
Next appointment is Tuesday. I just hope that I can focus more and maybe relax a little and not get so flustered.