Saturday, 31 December 2011

I Don't Think That I Am Ready For A New Year, But lets try it out anyways. The time machine must not be far behind by now.

Where did another year go to. Will it come back? Yes, of course it will come back, in memory form and when time travelling becomes a reality I will travel back and do some things differently, or if given the chance I might look differently at the whole situation and decide not to change a thing. Lets just see how things go first.

This will be my last post of 2011 and I feel a bit sad about another year finishing up and all of the things that I failed to do and my mind is racing towards all the things that I want to do and already I am getting ahead of myself.

The holidays have taken its toll, I have been hit by that mental truck and it reversed and ran me over again and again... and again. My ocd must have bribed that driver.

Farewell 2011 and Good Night.

Tuesday, 27 December 2011

I Am NOT A BahHumBug! I am just glad that is all over and done with for another year,

Another Christmas done and dusted, I feel tired and sore and I am just about ready to go back to bed, despite only being out of bed for 10 hours today. On a good note, I ended my t.v viewing with the first of three part series of Great Expectations and it was so great that I had forgotten all about the cup of tea that Nick had made for me. Thankfully it was still warm but being so late I hope that the caffeine doesn't keep me awake.

I hope that everyone had a safe and happy Christmas. Over the years I have learnt many things about this time of the year and the main thing is just feeling content. Let the good times stay in mind and let the snarky comments ride off of our imaginary feathers back into those murky and bleak puddles of ill heartedness. It is close to another new start of another new year and I have been working very hard over the last 7 months to get back on my feet. I have had many 'ups' over the last week and some 'downs' and at the moment the painful feeling of being hit by a truck sort of down but I am going to tuck myself away in bed with the blanket on and the last few pages of A Christmas Carol and try again tomorrow, and if tomorrow doesn't work out.. well.. then it doesn't work out but I can't go to bed on a negative note, what if the negativity of it all sets my new day to a bad start. That just may be the ocd talking.

Well, I am just about falling asleep here but I wanted to take a quick moment to write, clear my mind of some of this madness and hope to god that tomorrow is a brighter day and on with the post holiday clean up, even though there is not much to clean up to the non ocd eye and being hit by the mental truck has left me wrapped up in emotional bandages and cosy blankets.

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Hectic Before Christmas - I thought that Christmas was hectic enough on it's own.

It has been a very hectic time and with Christmas around the corner the hectic days have not stopped despite constantly resting, but then again I cannot sit still and my mind races a million miles a minute and spending much of the time on the couch I started another one of my many 'projects'

I had to put my tree skirt aside, sewing on so many tiny beads had made me feel a bit sickly, a motion sickness type feeling and that was very odd, as reading in the car and doing jigsaw puzzles are the only other things that give me the same queasy feeling!
I will slowly get the tree skirt done, I may need to take a stomach tablet before starting it again.

I did how ever manage to crochet a baby blanket in just under 3 days. I started on one night and in 2 hours I had 10 squares made. The next day a total of 32 and last night 48 and put together and the border done. It was all very last minute but I wanted to gift a blanket to Nicks cousins baby girl and I could not find one that I liked enough to gift and I am pleased that I went ahead with the little project. I will post a photo after it has been gifted, I don't want to risk giving away the surprise! I hope that they like it *Fingers crossed!*

Today I must try to rest, properly rest. Give my hands a break and try to calm my mind. Who am I kidding though? Even when I have to sit and rest I find something to do while I 'rest' I really cannot bring myself to sit still, I fear that I am wasting time with just resting! why not do something while resting? is that still considered resting?

Alright, before I start to go on too much about this resting malarky, here are the photos from my triumph of a walk along the canal!


Friday, 16 December 2011

What a Day, and another day and another day. I need a rest!

I need to try this again. I made an attempt to start a post once I got home from my doctors appointment today and instead I found myself in the kitchen, sleepy eyed and attempting to make a quick lunch and a hot chocolate that turned into two. Once I had my lunch I logged on to the computer and found myself falling asleep. I shut down the computer, put the electric blanket and tv on in the bedroom, pjs and before I knew it I was out like a light. It has been a few hectic days in a row and it has left me feeling drained.

It all started on Wednesday, I was feeling rather anxious about Thursday because I was having Nicks cousin over for coffee and cakes and to finally meet her baby girl (who is just beyond adorable!) When Nick got in from work on Wednesday night we went down to his grandmothers to check in on her as she has caught that terrible viral infection that has been going around. I was very nervous about just leaving the flat but even more nervous about being around someone who I know has a cold but I was more concerned about her health than to stay away. I armed myself with flowers and home baking and we set off. The visit went well and despite her feeling so unwell she took time to ask me how I was feeling and encouraged me to keep on trying to go out and get my life back because it would be terrible to waste it away. She is such a lovely woman.

Once we had walked through the door, our cat Archie was licking his backside. This may sound pretty disgusting but he had been doing it just about non stop for days and we just assumed that he was being perverted as he is sometimes a bit of a randy cat! Anywho, we just happened to notice a lot of fur missing off of his back end, swollen and red and we did not hesitate but contacted the clinic and took him in. Thankfully it is nothing serious and an injection and a check up on the following day should be sufficient. Ever since I have struggled to stop washing my hands and within two days they are awfully dry and cracked and if I don't stop soon they will end up in the same state as last year when they would not stop bleeding.

That night when we could finally call it a night I was beyond tired. A painful kind of tired but my mind racing and not being able to drift off. Once I did manage to fall asleep I stayed in bed and slept in that morning. Nick had to make his own lunch for work that day and once I woke up at 10am I felt rested. Not refreshed but able to start my day.

I had Nicks cousin over and I was very excited but a tad nervous and I felt like I could not stop shaking throughout the visit! I held the baby and carried her around and I remembered just how much I love babies! I would freak out my husband if I carry on about babies so I will stop here on that! I had a really nice chat with her and I hated for it to end and I will be quick to invite them back in the new year! Like many things I worry about, it is nonsense to worry about. I was able to talk about my breakdown and my OCD and I felt comfortable talking to her about it and she showed nothing but concern and support and I am left thinking that if only more were even as half as understanding and kind then there would be no stigma left when it comes to mental health!

That night we took our kitty, Archie, back to the vets and it went well. Another injection and he should be all healed up in a week. Thankfully. I love my little man even though he is a devious cat who is always getting into trouble! We stopped in to visit Nicks grandmother on the way home and Archie had a little walk around her home and after a nice visit we drove down to Nicks parents and had a little visit with them and again, Archie had a little walk about their home and my mother in law was no where near impressed as they don't have pets and they don't really let any animals in the house. Just glad that Archie was well behaved and didn't leave any messes on their nice carpet! Instead he made himself comfortable on the couch beside Nicks father and the drugs must have kicked in because Archie was fast asleep. I don't think that Archie's good behaviour will be in his favour for a second visit and maybe he should have left a little something for them. haha.

It was very late getting in and it was another night of feeling painfully tired and I had two doctors appointments to look forward to the next morning! My post hardly finishes here. No, don't be silly. When I say hectic I mean hectic!

I had two appointments this morning. The first with a nurse for my asthma check. I seem to have it under control but with the cold weather I should expect to need to use my inhaler more often. 40 minutes after that appointment, thankfully in the same clinic, I had my next appointment, my weekly with my doc. Thankfully I had my kindle and I got a good start on A Christmas Carol. The 40 minutes went by quickly and before I knew it I was in the doctors office and talking a million miles a minute about my hectic days and I was feeling good, I was cheerful and feeling a bit more 'normal' and my doctor said that she has never seen me in such high spirits but she did warn me that because of the events it would be more of an adrenalin and not to get upset when I start to feel tired because I will feel tired and it may last several days and that is perfectly normal and OK and I have done really well already and to take it easy and not to push myself.

Once I left the doctors I started my walk back home. It takes me about 25 minutes to a half an hour to walk home. I started to think that maybe I would just go straight home and have lunch but I quickly told myself no and that I was going to go down to the canal. The snow made everything look so beautiful and I wanted to enjoy it while I can. I would regret not doing it but I wouldn't regret doing it! So with a little detour on my way home I walked down the path to the canal and I was greeted by two beautiful swans, a man with a dog and as I reached into my bag to get out the camera the swans came my way, they must have thought that I was bringing them bread. The man joked that I arrived just in time and I laughed and said how disappointed the swans would be because I had no bread and just wanted to get a photo of them! We laughed and talked about the snow and then we parted. One thing I never do is talk to strangers and yet I managed it and it felt natural and I was not nervous. One for the books, I must remember this day!

I walked along the canal, snapping lots and lots of photos and I was still walking in the direction of my flat but instead of taking the path down when I reached the path to the top of the street I kept on going. I was in no rush and I walked slowly and I enjoyed the crunching of the snow, the cold air and the scenery. I must have stayed out there for half an hour and I loved every minute of it. I am so so so very proud of myself for the last few days and the walk along the canal would be the best way to finish off a good day with a good nap under many blankets and if I have another good day tomorrow than that is great, however, if it is not so great, well then that is perfectly fine I will just rest!

I will upload the photos once I am rested. I think that I am going to retire to my bed any moment and switch that blanket back on.

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

I Tried I Didn't Fail .. Even though I didn't quite make it out the door.

"You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don't try to forget the mistakes, but you don't dwell on it. You don't let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space."
Johnny Cash

Okay, so I didn't quite get out of the house yesterday. I was close, so close but it just didn't happen but that is okay because I tried. I had it in my head to go out, gave myself some tasks to do and this time I refuse to look at it at a failure. I attempted it and that counts for something and it doesn't mean that it was my last chance. I will have many more chances to try, but not for the next few days as we are back to having bad weather! 70mph winds, hailstones and apparently lots and lots of snow over the next few days. But once the snow and wind stops I am going to try to get out there, wrapped up warm and go for a walk along the canal since it has been months and months and months since I was last down there for a walk, despite it being right behind our flat.

I want to see the snow covered trees, the frozen waters and hear that lovely crunch crunch crunch of the snow beneath my feet and then to come home and have a mug of hot cocoa, it will never taste as good as it does when you come in from the cold! I didn't quite fail, I tried and I am proud of that and I am going to keep trying.

This is the time to curl up with a blanket on the couch, a mug of hot cocoa and a good book, or my proudly owned kindle with over 300 books .. I lost count after 300. I am a book addict, is that healthy? I am sure it is somewhat healthier than my chocolate addiction.

Monday, 12 December 2011

Done, Done & Nearly Done - I have plans to leave the house today, lord have mercy!

Phew. This morning I have successfully completed putting together my homemade Christmas cards and wrote out the rest of the envelopes. Waiting for the glue insert to dry then I can put them in the allocated envelopes, add the stamp and here it goes - walk down to the postbox by the main road and post them! and to top it off, walk even further down to the post office and send the ones that need to go overseas since today is the last day that I can send them in hopes that they arrive on time! This is something that I need to do, not just so the cards arrive on time but as we all know, my struggles of leaving the house has kept me from doing things that I need to do and should have done ages ago and I need to get back to trying, even the best attempts can go wrong but how can I give myself credit if I don't try. Yes, I will panic, I will check that everything is off and that the windows that have not been opened are shut and that I have locked the door countless times. I will get into a panic when I leave the front door and I will feel hopeless after the 10 minutes it will take to get to the main road (it is a fair distance but panic + walking = speed walking which means I burn calories faster? well. There is a bright side to everything!)

I know that once I make it to the post office, which is about a 20 minute walk, maybe a bit longer depending on the traffic I will feel so proud of myself for getting there and then I will go back to feeling hopeless for the walk that I have to face to get home! but I know that once I reach my front door I will have the biggest smile on my face along with a sense of achievement and some much needed exhaustion! I am wired, completely wired! 3 weeks of ironing DONE! Dishes Done, housework - NEARLY DONE! woot woot.

I am going to nip into the grocery store on my way home, as I walk past it anyways and I am going to pick up the few things that I need to make a much loved holiday family recipe so I can get a start on this Christmas baking malarkey! Okay, now I need to say goodbye and log off and get a shower and attempt to leave the house while the rain is off! Phew!

Oh, and I had the oddest dream last night. I was back in my home town and the library that my mother used to take me to had closed down and was for sale and I was thinking about buying it but I came to the conclusion that we could not be as frugal living in Canada as what we are living in Scotland (and that is something that is important to me, even in my dreams where I could dream of having anything for goodness sake!) and that my home is in Scotland and I would miss it here more than I miss my hometown! What an odd dream!

Tuesday, 6 December 2011

George MacDonald Has Just Summed Up OCD - While I was browsing through the land of fae.

I just happened to start reading this book 'Phantastes, a Faerie Romance for Men and Women' by George MacDonald and it has really struck a chord, has me hooked. It has become an addictive read but one that I have to read slowly so I can savour every letter of every word of every sentence of every paragraph. I just love it and I just wanted to quote one of my favourite few lines in the book, and just in case you would like to know more about the book you can click HERE and if you would like to download it to read for free click HERE as it is part of Project Gutenberg which is just without a doubt amazing and I wish that books were available like this when I was younger!

'My spirits rose as I went deeper; into the forest; but I could not regain my former elasticity of mind. I found cheerfulness to be like life itself - not to be created by any argument. Afterwards I learned, that the best way to manage some kinds of pain fill thoughts, is to dare them to do their worst; to let them lie and gnaw at your heart till they are tired; and you find you still have a residue of life they cannot kill. So, better and worse, I went on, till I came to a little clearing in the forest.'