I have been neglectful lately of just about everything. Everything that I enjoy and things that I don't quite enjoy but need to be taken care of and then there are the things that I did enjoy but somehow seem tainted in the way that I avoid them completely without even realising.
I have more than neglected my blog, the people in my life and lately at times .. the housework. Who says OCD is all about cleaning anyways??! Yes, I didn't do the dishes last night after dinner and no, I did not do them before bed. No, I didn't even think about them while I lay in bed for hours trying to drift off to sleep. Instead I thought about the strings on my violin, a tune in my head and moving my fingers along while imagining the first song that I learnt how to play. Yes, I did wash those dishes first thing this morning along with the other mundane tasks of the day and I just feel nothing. Nothing at all. I don't even feel like me.
Wanting a better life, wanting my own thoughts and finding myself easily frustrated when trying to figure out how to get myself back into the education system where as I cannot even get out of the house for things I really should be doing. Reader - if you can feel my frustration it is only because I really truly am frustrated beyond belief! Ready to howl at the sun, do a rain dance in hopes of snow and including chocolate into a must have diet plan for gaining weight instead of a diet to lose the much hated flab that has accumulated around my waist line ever since that frightful day over 9 months ago that I went into meltdown mode. GAH! I could just scream at the world and punch Gandhi in the face. Why, Why?? I have no idea!
I am mad, mad I tell ya! Hear me roar, scream and kick up a fuss! I am an emotionally damaged mess and it has worn me out. Tomorrow is the next appointment with my GP and the last few days I have felt that I really need to open up and be straight forward and honest about what is really going through my mind and that I need help now and I want help now. It is all getting too much and the thoughts really do overcome who I am and what ever way that I thought that I was dealing with it clearly isn't working. If anything it has only made things worse.
Here is me admitting things that I should have told someone in my teenage years.
-I am addicted to starving myself. I binge and then I starve myself more. I used to be at a weight where I could count my ribcage. I used to weigh myself many many many times a day. Stand in front of the mirror to stare at my protruding bones. Wake up each morning to touch each and every rib with a satisfaction of what I was doing and just for fun I would tuck my fingers under my ribcage because I could.
I still have these thoughts, I have come a very long way since those days and it has only been because of my spouse. Those thoughts won't ever go away and I am aware that just like the OCD thoughts they won't go away and I need help to manage them.
I hallucinate - often. Whether it is visual or auditory it happens and daily. I had terrible hallucinations during my teen years and at one point they scared the living daylights out of me. I didn't know what they were at the time and looking back at it some 10 years later, well .. it never has gone away.
I am scared of the dark and often I need a night light. I always feel like I am being watched and sometimes I catch a glimpse of who is watching me. Sometimes they talk to me, shout my name or simply just put me down and tell me to just end it all now before I make Nicks life all the more worse.
I think about self harm - a lot. I have since my teenage years and I still do to this day. Whether it is scratching my arms up to the point where I cannot feel a thing to having to exit the shower before I can grab my razor. It has gotten to the point where I need someone to sit with me while I am in the shower in order to feel safe - as if the thoughts wont bother me because I have someone there to protect me. Often, I avoid the ironing and especially so if I am alone.
... I am tired already and it is really just the start of it. I don't want to say any more about it and already I am wondering if I should click to publish this. I cannot even begin to explain how exhilarating it felt for a moment to get it out in the open to feeling sick to my stomach for bringing it out in the open.
Dear Maggie,
ReplyDeleteI am glad you clicked publish.
I had a feeling you have been in a dark place lately.
Please open up to your doctor about all of this.
Big Hugs,
Elizabeth-
Maggie, I am glad, too, that you clicked publish. Please tell your doctor about all these and the other thoughts and feelings you're having. There is help to be had. I will be thinking about you.
ReplyDeleteTina
Sweetie, I totally understand what you're going through. I've been there. Those dark times come out, that depression just pulls you under, and you're so overwhelmed you don't know what to do or how to keep your head above water. Sometimes you don't even know for sure if you want to keep your head above water.
ReplyDeleteIt is important to recognize it, which you've done. That's the first major step. The second is to confide in others, to have support, which you've also done by posting this. We all love you and are here for you, always, no matter what. The third is to find a way out. That includes whatever works for you whether it's therapy, medication, blogging, journaling, whatever! That is what you have to focus on now. All the other stuff, the dishes, the things you used to enjoy and don't right now, they just don't matter. YOU are the only thing that matters. Don't focus on the things you're not doing or not feeling like doing. (That's your mind's way of saying you're dealing with too much, you can't deal with the other things.) Instead focus on what you ARE doing. You're recognizing that you are going through a dark time. You are speaking about it, sharing it, getting support. And remember that you are a wonderful person that so many people love. {{{HUGS}}}
I'll join the others in appreciating that you did post this. Thanks. I'm neglecting things, too. Only I don't wash the dishes the next morning. I rarely clean much without my room-mate asking me too, and I divided cleaning the bathroom into three or four smaller tasks done over a couple days because the job was too big. And I just am not exercising, which leaves me irritated with myself.
ReplyDeleteI often keep certain things out of my bedroom. It's nasty to feel afraid of one's self.
I have found it helpful to get verbal about how I'm feeling. I'm good at being a quiet person, and speaking out for myself to a doctor isn't easy. I hope you can use your frustration to help you overcome the obstacles and communicate with your doctor.
You are doing a great job of just keeping going, which can be ridiculously hard. The dishes aren't important, but you are. I hope things improve soon. I know that even coming up with a plan to try with my doctor helps me, because I know I'm doing something that is working towards getting better.
Thanks. I'm doing the same things. I've done the same things. I'm avoiding. I'm starving because it feels like winning. I'm afraid to tell the truth because it makes me feel like any progress I've made up to this point is a lie. I'm scared to disappoint the people who support me by telling them that i'm sliding back into those old habits. I needed to know that it isn't just me. And I hope you know that this isn't just you. Even when it feels terribly terribly lonely and unfair. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteHi there, I am a mother of a thirteen year old daughter, and I am moved to tears reading this. Thank you for publishing, you are so brave! You have given me the insight that my beautiful child fears to give to me, you have helped me so so much today, an awful day, and horrible for her. She too, is so very very tired. Thank you dear girl, thank you with all my heart xxxxxxxxx
ReplyDeleteSteffie.
Steffie, I hope that things begin to get better for your daughter ((hugs))
ReplyDelete