It is the last day of November and I can hardly believe my eyes and I had to look twice at the calendar to be sure! Where has this month gone??? I have barely finished let alone started anything that I set out to do this month and yes, I know, I have been ill with a nasty cold but that doesn't stop me from being so hard on myself even though most seem to beg to differ on that subject. Being hard on myself doesn't exactly get the job done any quicker or better so why should I be so hard on myself? Everything is there waiting for me to do and it is hardly going anywhere but the moment I manage to get one thing done I have set myself 20 other tasks to do.
I need to learn how to chill out, big time! and I am constantly told just that. I am too 'uptight' and 'serious' and I just can't let my hair down -ever. I don't like my hair down, it always tangles up and I refuse to have it cut because I can never seem to get it cut the way I would like it to be so I am better off with hair nearly down to my bottom then ending up with a haircut I always end up crying over! Not that I am vain, not at all but hair takes far too long to grow back!
I have started to think about the whole idea of 'new years resolutions' and most people tend to have the good intentions on things like, quitting smoking, going on a diet, joining a gym ... I am not going to wait until the first day of the new year to attempt to get my life back on track and as scary as it all seems I need to give living another try. I am learning a lot about not being able to live and that is bound to happen with 6+ months of not being able to do things I once did with some fear and hesitation but I still managed to do where as at the moment I am and have never been happy locked away. Avoiding everything doesn't work. It doesn't make anything better and it will get me nowhere for longer. It is a scary world out there and my mind is a much scarier place. I am probably safer in this world than I am in my own mind! But is it worth the risk?
Come on Margaret, don't be such a chicken, just go outside! NOOO!! I JUST CAN'T! Why can't you?? ...because I am scared. ... Oh! Not this again! ...Maybe we try again tomorrow.
*Everyday at the front door*
Tomorrow is another day but just telling myself that each and every day has lost all effect when tomorrow comes and I avoid even trying. I am not sure where to start at this point but I need to figure this out. I learnt one thing the other night. I have always been a bit of a 'loner' I am shy and quiet and I have never had many friends although! the ones that I could call friends were just that. Since I moved to the UK I have never seemed to meet anyone and for the first time in my life I feel lonely and I want to meet others and make new friends but I am not sure how. It feels worse than the first day of school. I am nowhere that lets me meet anyone and offer to share my juice drink and pudding in hopes of making a new friend. Now I just wouldn't let anyone drink out of my straw or eat my pudding. Is it supposed to be this hard to meet new people and make new friends? I mean, I have met people since I moved over but it is nowhere near the friendships I once had. I feel selfish for thinking it and saying it but is this what happens when you grow up??
Maggie, Sometimes it helps me to remind myself to do one thing at a time. I may even make a list, and scratch each item off as I complete it. I make the steps small.
ReplyDeleteThat's hard for me to do. I tend to jump from task to task and idea to idea and end up overwhelmed and paralyzed. I have to remind myself a LOT to focus.
You have some of the most important qualities anyone needs to move forward: fortitude and determination.
I'm very uptight and tense too. Sometimes I will suddenly notice how tightly I'm clenching my jaw, and I don't even know why. My attempts at meditation, relaxation exercises and yoga have helped, as well as medication.
You are asking so many good questions! I'm asking a lot of the same ones. We can get there! Remember--one thing at at time. :-)
Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean about all of it.
I too am way too uptight and have to actually work hard to "chill out." I also find myself clenching my teeth for "no apparent reason" during the course of the day.
Like you, I have always been somewhat of a loner but at the same time I have a few friends. Sometimes I feel like it is so hard to connect with people and I know that it more about my fears and issues.
I may have told you about this before but I know what it's like to be scared to leave the house. I had my first experiences with agoraphobia when I was a child. On one hand, I feel "safe" hiding out but on the other hand, I feel depressed and frustrated because I'm not "out there" living my life. And the more I hide out at home, the harder it becomes to "get back out there."
Maybe take baby steps. The last time I went thru a spell where I was afraid to leave the house was actually this summer. It was all I could do to get to work and then get right back home. It was so taxing on me to go to work during that time. My therapist told me to take babysteps and start out by forcing myself to walk around my back yard for about 5min. then once I was comfortable with that, walk up and down the street, then around the block and then actually get in my car and go somewhere besides work. It did work but it was scary and stressful and took a while to work up to "getting back out there."
I love your Christmas blog with Twas the night before Christmas and all your favorite Christmas shows. I also LOVE Jack Frost and Rudolf :-)
Elizabeth-
Hi! I'm Karin and i too have ocd- the worry about contamination kind right now. I've had pure o, & scrupulosity too but didn't know that that's what they were.
ReplyDeletekeep working on the agaraphobia. Don't let it win. It's been 5 yrs since i got this brand of ocd really badly ( It's always been there in my fear of raw meat contamination ) and there was a time when i was afraid to leave the house. I didn't want my shoes to get contaminated- and there were sooo many things outdoors that just seemed to jump into my path: leaves that may be full of leaf mold, cigarette butts, dog dirt. I didn't have to actually step on them to be full of dread. I seemed to have a 2-3 foot radius all around me and for me to be upset i only had to be in proximity of something 'dirty'. So i know a little of how you feel. keep working at it. One thing that helps me get over some of my fears is by telling myself what good things will come if i do do it. for example, when i was afraid to get the mail out of the mailbox because it might be contaminated- or touch it after my husband brot it home- i imagined all the positives that would happen. For me, it was being able to function more at home by taking care of the bills instead of me sitting around all day afraid of everything and hubby having to call me with the bill totals so i could pay them using my computer. I wanted to feel like an adult again. These hopes spurred me on to 'feel the fear and do it anyway'. I also sat and imagined me doing it and felt the fear/ dread so i flooded my mind for a week or so before i did it.
I too have just (4 yrs ago) moved far away from my family and friends. And i have the same problem. I try to just get out of the house to BE with people, like at an exercise class or something so i get adult contact even tho it's not a close friendship.
I think it would be soo cool to live in england. Please enjoy yourself while there!! Maybe if you can, join a tour group for a weekend travel experience. You may meet a new friend and if not, you've been chatting with people and saw some interesting sites.
((Hugs)). I love your christmas blog design!
Keep fighting your ocd. It can get better.
-karin