Tuesday, 24 January 2012

Good Days, Bad Days - and the never ending cycle of them.

I am back and in much better spirits. It really is a never ending cycle with these sudden mood changes and I am still learning how to identify them for what they are and I know that I shouldn't let them get the better of me and to take the good days slowly and to take the bad days for what they are.

I am in much much pain today because I over did it yesterday with a rare high energy level! A morning of zumba that totally kicked my butt followed by much needed yoga and then a day of pre spring clean cleaning. I am feeling the pain this morning in muscles through out my body that I would never have known existed otherwise and you know what I am going to do about it? I am going to sit back with a pot of tea by my side to constantly re fill my mug, book in hand and rest. I over did it so I must pay the price!

On Friday I had my doctors appointment. I was open and honest about the problems that I had taking my medication and that I did stop them for 2 weeks. I was not in any trouble although my mind played out so many versions of events of my doctor getting very angry with me and giving me a hard time that I was just waiting for it and when she had thanked me for being open and honest I was in shock and awe! I have a brilliant doctor and she has gone through the medication with me countless times and reasurred me beyond her means.

I felt rather pleased with myself after the appointment so I walked down the road to the supermarket and bought a mid day snack of pain au chocolat and a bottle of water for my trip to the library. The trip to the library had me up most of the previous night in an argument with myself about going and not going. Eventually I told myself that I would not go and only then I was able to drift back to sleep but after my appointment I felt able and ready to do it and I didn't look back. The library and grocery store is 2 minutes away from all of those wonderful books and super polite staff and when I walked in I felt anxious, 20 minutes later I felt right at home with a book on a sofa and listening to the play group that was going on in the children's area which made my heart strings tug. That is another story right there. Most days I am ready to have my tubes tied and other days I argue with myself that maybe 1 child one day wouldn't be a mistake. Like I said, another story for another day.

Slowly I am getting there and there are going to be many bad days and today has all of the makings of a bad day if I let it but I am halfway through Sepulchre by Kate Mosse and I refuse to put it down for any longer than it takes to have a sip of tea.

Tuesday, 17 January 2012

I Don't Feel Like Playing Nice - Or playing at all ... I just don't know what to do with myself

Normally I have it in me to write much much more than this and just like being awake it is a given! But these days I am just so tired and unmotivated and plainly in depression mode that I know that I am wasting precious time and yet I continue doing nothing at all. I just don't know what to do with myself these days!

Just about everything irritates me and it may be because I am not getting enough sleep or because I stopped taking my pills for 2 weeks and now I am back on them but struggling - almost holding a conversation in my head with these little blue and yellow capsules.

And to top it all off I fear having to go to sleep. I cannot sleep and I simply don't want to sleep. I have been having the most frightening and disturbing dreams that I not only scream in them but I am woken up by Nick because I am having a panic attack and this is something that happens more and more. I always wake up with a sore head that later goes forward into a migraine and twice now I have had a bloody nose! The last time that I had a bloody nose was about 5 ..6... maybe 7 years ago!

And to top it all off, with being so moody. I put the tv channel on something that is bound to ruin my day and I sit there and complain and moan about how stupid and pointless and what have you this program and this person is about! If it wont ruin your day let it ruin mine, I seem to bathe in enjoyment out of it for the moment even though it makes me so grumpy!

Wednesday, 11 January 2012

If It Were Possible To Glue My Eyes Opened - That would make it easier to stay awake!

With only a few hours of sleep at most last night I am awake and needing several caffeine filled drinks to keep my eyes opened.
I am determined to stay awake I am determined to stay awake ... I need to stay awake!

If I don't stay awake I will never fall asleep tonight and the cycle will only continue and I just cannot handle this much longer. Come 9pm I am going to have my teeth brushed and the electric blanket switched on and maybe even an hour of t.v in bed if anything decent is on. So I keep telling myself in order to stay awake until then.

Other than this rambling about tiredness and much needed caffeine and blankets I have other things to write about today.

Last night while watching t.v this commercial came on and it has got to be the first commercial I have ever seen that was about mental health/illness and I have to admit that I was in shock. In all fairness it was very unexpected but I think that it was very well done. In case anyone would like to watch it HERE is the link. I think that it is a great start for raising awareness and a simple way to say along the lines 'Listen, mental illness doesn't need to be a taboo, a stigma or any reason to feel uncomfortable around anyone with a mental illness!'
Whenever it comes down to dealing with mental health, not only for ourselves but the general public view it can only go upwards and onwards to a more positive view and it would be great if the stigma would slowly disappear.  Well, that is just how the commercial made me feel - that it was a possibility.

For me it is all about learning how to cope with the good days and the bad days and the really good days and the really bad days. I was very naive when I went in for treatment and what better way to learn just what I wanted out of it. Whenever I went in for treatment I thought and said that the reason behind it was because I wanted my life back and getting my life back turned out to have nothing to do with the treatment. Touching public bathroom items, not washing my hands and being given these set goals for not cleaning this and that for a ridiculous amount of time isn't what I would call getting my life back. The kind of treatment that I went in for turned out to be something that I could not cope with and given the factors I was set up to fail. It wasn't for me but it could be for someone else but the relationship that you build with your therapist is important. Beyond important. It is a must. I wish that on meeting my first and second therapist that I stood up and ran out of that office and fast and never to look back. I feel scarred for life. Someone experimenting their methods on an unsuspecting and helpless victim. It is one thing to learn about OCD from a textbook but when it comes to the reality of a sufferer no textbook with endless pages could ever be filled with enough information on the subject!

My last appointment turned into an hour of emotional abuse from a 'trained professional' and it has left me feeling very bitter towards therapists and treatment but it has also taught me a lesson. OCD cannot be cured and if someone tries to tell you that they can cure your OCD, run, run fast. I regret not doing that myself and I heard the alarm bells and I ignored them. It is a pipe dream, a fantasy and a lovely thought but it is not a reality. It isn't a Hollywood movie where patient seeks help and the help they get is from a stern but insane therapist who is controlling and sets up the patient to fail each and every task by using flooding and the end result is that the patient cries a bit and then grows thicker skin. The patient then completes each and every task and then poof! the OCD is gone to never return again.

Before I risk starting a bitter rant I better log off and sort out the last few days worth of housework. I wish that OCD had its perks, starting with making chores fun.

Thursday, 5 January 2012

The Trip To The Library - I did it and I liked it!

I was in heaven today, well ... book heaven. It was a wonderful place once I understood the importance of breathing!

I didn't leave to go to the library at the time that I first planned on. I was several hours late and to the point where I met Nick on the way there when he was on his way home from work.

I am now a proud owner of a library card and I made sure to take my large canvas bag with me to the library because I knew that if I would borrow any books it would be several and that is just what happened and to the point where I was slightly tipping over to one side on the walk home from the weight of the books! It felt good.

I have 5 books for 4 weeks and if I can get through them all I will reach my 50 books to read in 1 year goal on goodreads in no time at all.

There was also cds and dvds that could be borrowed but there was an 80p fee for borrowing a cd and £1.80 for a dvd. At that price I might as well buy a copy and borrowing books instead of buying them all of the time would save money in the long run.

I have to admit that it took me a while to feel comfortable at the library and the panic did set in but I just walked around and took my time and told myself that if I didn't want to touch the books that I didn't have to. It was entirely up to me and what I wanted was not only to read just about every book in that building but also the exposure that comes with touching god knows how many other people have touched already books.

So, the 5 books that I have started with are
- 50 Great Myths of Popular Psychology - by Scott O. Lilienfeld, Steven J Lynn, John Ruscio & Barry L. Beyerstein.
- Labyrinth - by Kate Mosse
- A Cat Named Adolf - by Trude Levi
- Even To The Edge of Doom -by William & Rosalie Schiff & Craig Hanley
- The Executioner's Bible - by Steve Fielding

There were a few other books that I spotted but I left there for the next visit. I think 5 to start with is maybe a tad over the top!

I just want to finish reading The Boys From Brazil by Ira Levin before I start on any other book but there is a temptation to start on the others straight away even though I feel dirty after touching these borrowed books.

Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Rain Rain Go Away ... So I can go outside and well ... go outside

It is just coming up for 8:30 and routine is slowly coming back. Ah, yes, routine .. I remember you, it has been a while but I never forgot about you! I longed for you but secretly enjoyed not having you in my life for the first few mornings but it is good to have you back!

Pulling the covers back and stepping into my slippers at 6:30 felt good. Switching on the shower for Nick and putting the heat on, also good. The usual of making his breakfast and packing his lunch and laying out his 'getting ready for work stuffs' also good and maybe a tad excessive but it isn't something that I think twice about doing and I think that one of the best things about being in a relationship is being able to take care of the other person ... even if that sounds gooey and mushy I stand by it and wouldn't have it any other way!

The weather has been horrible and despite trying to leave the house to go to the library that is just under 15 minutes of a stroll from our flat I cannot bring myself to get out that front door. It is normally because I cannot face leaving the house in general but the idea of rain water touching me, seeping through my skin and the chemicals in the water in my mind is enough to make me close the door and cry while taking off my shoes - If I even get as far as putting them on.

I badly want to go down to the library and have a look around. I don't know if I can bring myself to touch the books but I am determined to give it a try. Wearing gloves would take it too far and even though I have let my OCD go far enough over the years I think that wearing gloves would bring it to tipping point and it would really ruin any enjoyment out of one of my few and favourite past times. I will try again tomorrow because it will be raining throughout the day today. Yes, I refuse to wear gloves for my OCD but I refuse to leave the house because of rain water. OCD doesn't have to make sense. Either you got it or you don't.

Tuesday, 3 January 2012

Routine Routine Routine Routine! Routine is a very important thing, OCD or no OCD, Routine Routine Routine Routine!

The holidays will take their own toll and that is there gift to me and it is one that I wish that I could re gift but I would feel far too guilty to hand it over to another poor soul!

I am going to just have to accept that as much as I love holidays my anxiety is not keen on the change and I am going to need to start to get into some better habits of dealing with the changes in routines when it comes to the holidays. I need more self discipline. I used to have so much of it that I could have lent some out and I would not have missed it. I am not going to fall into the same trap next year when it comes to the holidays. I will get up the same time each morning, 6:30am and I will go to bed the same time every night 10:30pm and if I want to go to bed earlier, that is alright because I will waste no time in opening up my latest read.

I hate change in routine and yet some how I have changed my routine to the point that my anxiety is at an all time high and the temptation to find a 'safe zone' in some daft place in my flat to curl up into to escape the stress but instead I am going to force back my routine, I know that I would be happy, well, happier to have the routine and with the routine there is no chance of me wasting any precious time that I will not get back. At least with the sleep deprivation I have not wasted much time laying awake. My mind races and I have many thoughts that I think are important and I try so hard to remember but come morning I can only remember bits and pieces of them and they make no sense. However, keeping a notebook and pen beside the bed means that when I have these extraordinary thoughts I can write them down and so I did and they are as irrational as my OCD! They are mind boggling and creative and almost genius.

Alright, well. Nick has made me my breakfast this morning and it is being served. Scrambled eggs, potato scone and toast and the second of many cups of tea for today!